AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

On the one hand I really get hating change, especially when you've got a situation that works well for you and makes you happy and it's over and gone forever. That's a hard thing to process.

On the other hand I can't help agree with a lot of PP. It is a very small and narrow life. These people won't be here for ever, even the younger folk are likely to want to start doing other things as they get older. This cosy lifestyle isn't sustainable and I think it's very sensible for your DP to be branching out and finding other people that he can have meaningful relationships with.

Good for him!

Your "perfect life" sounds dull and limiting - there's a whole world out there, go see it. He's inviting you to join him and you're not interested, it says more about you than him.

No. It was clearly perfect for you.....and he went along with it. Your world was so small it's claustrophobic. That level of interdependency isn't normal or healthy. Effectively it's a cage you want him to live within and you try and spin it as a nice guilded one with people he loves and cream tea so that's ok......it's not. It's still a cage because you don't want him to live outside it. He's not out clubbing until 3am, he just wants to try a cafe or Korean BBQ. Shit I bet you £10 he mentions Padel next.... You have three options, keep your canary in its perfect cage, he'll be bored and resent you. Learn to fly with him. Set him free.

Did you meet during COVID?

If London isn't for you why not suggest exploring less busy places?

OP isn't even living like a hermit, or even spending any time alone so I don't think she sounds like an introvert. I'm an introvert. I need time on my own. If I had all day every day with my DH under my feet then every Saturday surrounded by my in laws and DHS nephews that's not any time on your own at all! OP sounds like someone who wants to make sure she is surrounded by familiar people at all times. That's not introversion. If she was, she'd be relieved when he buggered off somewhere and she could have time on her own not trot off for some scones with MIL!

Seems he wasn't as happy with your life together as you thought he was and the new job has opened his eyes as to how life can be.
I understand it is a huge change for you but life doesn't stand still, don't get left behind

I am not the most sociable person - have never liked parties for instance - and now we are older my husband goes out without me eg to the pub if I don't feel like it. He WFH and I don't work but we have lots of time apart.

But to never go anywhere except seeing family is extremely unusual and limited. You don't have a friend to have a cuppa with? You don't go to the cinema or theatre as a couple? You don't go out for meals alone or with others? And you've never had time apart?

He has realised what he's been missing . I think you will have to accept that and I think you are losing out by not compromising.

But do you find change really hard? Are you extremely anxious? Are you on the autism spectrum?

Perfect for you maybe but clearly not for your DH.

As comforting as this sounds, it’s almost as though you’re stuck at childhood. Adults go out into the world and make new connections and have new experiences. There may be reasons you have to examine why you feel jolted by him wanting to do all this new stuff, new places, new people - be careful here, you may well be left behind.

Perfect for whom?

you?

what about him?

So you want your husband (who clearly actually wasn’t a hone body - he was accommodating your needs to the exclusion of his own) should spend the rest of his life hiding away at home with his only friends being his parents his in-laws and his cousins, when clearly he doesn’t want that?

What’s wrong with him going out? If you don’t want to, that’s up to you: you’re married, not joined at the hip.

Coming at it from a different angle, you’ve been married quite a short time, perhaps in a relationship for a while before that, but what did you do before you met? If your social life now revolves around his family?

it’s difficult when people change in a way you don’t expect, and tbh spending time with someone’s work friends is always a bit tedious as they have a lot in common that you’ll never be able to join in with properly, but I agree that you need to meet him halfway on this, or spend a lot more time on your own. Doing the same thing with family every weekend sounds so stifling, especially if working full time from home. What do you talk about?!

You sound like a nightmare to be honest and it sounds like your world was very insular which isn’t healthy.

My husband is very sociable and loves being out and around people. I’m not like that but I can’t be married to someone who is and expect him to never do that. So we compromise, sometimes I go out when I’d rather not, go to things I’d rather not and he doesn’t go out as often as he’d like if it’s something I don’t want to go to.

I’m not saying you need to go with him to everything but you need to meet him halfway.

I also agree with what other people have said about being an introvert. It means you re-energise from within yourself, rather than from other people. Not that you live like a hermit.

How old are you?

You sound very inflexible and reluctant to try anything new. You are likely to be left behind if you don’t at least try to broaden your horizons.

However, if you really don’t want to, you need to make it very clear to DH. It is definitely better to be single than in a relationship that isn’t working any more.

I'm wondering if this is the person OP married, and he went along with it because he loved OP but has got fed up of it. He has to spend all his weekends round his mum's and every day just speaking to OP? how suffocating! Why would someone apply and take a job where he has to her in the office 4 days a week and do so many other things off they were truly happy? Of course that's his fault for not saying it's not what he wanted to do but maybe he's just got bored.

I was going to say exactly this.

I’m also an introvert but definitely not a homebody. I absolutely love exploring the world, meeting new people, having new experiences and my job means I have to interact with people most of the day. It KNACKERS me out until my bones hurt all over sometimes so I have to be alone for a bit to recharge. Definitely wouldn’t avoid that feeling though, there’s no way I could lead an insular life again as I did when I struggled with social anxiety years ago.

I think you may indeed have social anxiety. You can overcome it with help and your life will open up so much. I don’t blame your DH for wanting to explore and get out there, you get one shot at life after all…

She’s saying he’s a totally different person and she doesn’t even recognise him all because he sometimes sees friends on the weekend! It’s dramatic and controlling.

When I was younger (from late teens - mid 20s) I was in a long term relationship. I thought I was happy being a homebody, not really seeing many friends or going out much because that’s what he liked to do. When that relationship ended, my world became so much bigger and I realised what I’d missed out on.

Don’t get me wrong, I am introverted but I still get out there and do things.

@Thepeopleversuswork exactly that. I am an introvert and I am very sociable and love going out and seeing friends. It just means that I need to carve out time alone in all of that, otherwise I get exhausted.

Isn’t it obvious?

Did you get together just before or during Covid?

Your life sounds very insular by most peoples standards.

Is there any compromise for you?
His life is evolving and changing. He is trying to involve you. A conversation between you both needs to happen.
I think you need to accept that he is unlikely to revert back to your "old life" and work out what you both want going forward and work out of there is a compromise on both sides.

So true. I really dislike the way “being an introvert” is being rebadged to describe behaviour which is grumpy, insular or controlling. Its not an automatic excuse to be really negative and antisocial.

It sounds like his old life was a bit stifling and a new job and new people have opened his eyes to other things, which isn’t bad.

You should try it yourself? If not with his friends then find new things for yourself to get out and try.

It’s a bit strange at this point to put so much focus on family.

The life you describe as “perfect” would be incredibly monotonous and stifling for many people.

There is a whole world out there - do you not want more for yourself than tea and scones with your mother in law every Saturday?