AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

Kindly - live, try new things, explore the edges of your tiny world. You can live as you describe when you're old. For now, you're young.

But this isn’t introversion, it’s more like some form of social anxiety, as introverted people take energy from small groups or solicitude, it doesn’t mean they can’t go out, stick to the same routines, have no friends and only socialise with family and drink tea and eat scones.

This website can be very narrow minded at times, I've heard people suggest that parents of introverted children should force their kids to be more social and not eg stay at home reading books like they want to. I think it's really damaging for people like me who just weren't built to thrive in busy and social environments. I much prefer spending time with my dh, my parents, and a couple of close friends, but having most of my time alone or with animals. I would be so unhappy if my dh was forcing me out to cafes in London every weekend, it's busy and stressful. I need peace and nature.
So, if the op is still here (which I hope she is) i think she needs to see the alternative view that her life is fine if it makes her happy and she doesn't have to follow her dh activities if she doesn't want to. However she then has to accept the relationship will likely end.

I spent far too much time trying to force myself to like that kind of thing and never knew peace until I started living the quiet life I'd always wanted.

This is a difficult one op. I'm very like you and your DH's change in behaviour would also make me sad however I do think the way you lived before was fairly unusual for a young (assuming) child free couple, the life i more picture for a little old retired couple. YANBU to feel upset about the change in your life but I think you need to try to embrace this new DH or at least encourage him to enjoy it on his own if you don't want to, otherwise it will push him away and I see a split down the line unfortunatley

Snort. It’s not a ‘value’ to spend your weekends eating scones with either your parents or your PIL. Neither is the only alternative ‘drinking and partying’.

I agree with this because my life sounds similar to the OPs. My husband and I enjoy the company of each other, we have a couple of close local friends who we see, and a smattering of friends from previous versions of life that we see a couple of times a year either together or separately. But the main socialising we do is with my parents, brothers and their partners, and his parents.

He obviously wasn’t otherwise he wouldn’t have applied to a 4 day in office role!

I think you have to accept that your old life was never going to stay as it was forever. Not only would your parents not be around forever, but it was inevitable that one or both of you would come to be desperate for something more. Much better that it should be like this than getting enticed into an affair or something.

You are not unreasonable to resent him changing but your life is incredibly small and boring and clearly he was not happy (otherwise he would even apply for a job that required 4 days in the office). He wants to do more with your life and you are trying to hold him back. The best outcome for you 2 will be divorce. So each of you can do what they want. Second best is you opening up your horizons (but it’s unfair on you to have to change).
just sitting at home and never seeing anything and anyone new is not healthy

Some really judgmental replies here, it absolutely is not necessarily "healthier" to go out to restaurants with friends than your family's houses?!!
Some of us are happy with small gentle lives.
Op, I had an ex like this. She changed dramatically suddenly, drinking and partying and it all felt fake. We ended up splitting up unfortunately as I just didn't enjoy those things.
I am now married to a man who has the same values as me. He got his party days out of the way before we met.
Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

YABU I'm afraid. I know its difficult but people should be able to grow within a marriage. That doesn't mean growing apart, he's asking you to grow with him but you're refusing.

His life sounds fuller and richer now.

I could understand if he was wanting to now take huge adventure holidays, or follow a band round the world on their tour, or something very 'different'.

But from what you've said he's suggesting things like a day out, or trying a new restaurant.

Those things are completely normal and what most people do.

As others have said, can you try to embrace it a little? If you insist on being the spouse who refuses to do anything, your relationship dynamic will suffer.

How old are you? I know a lot of families where socialising with family is a big thing.

Aside from visiting family what did you do in your free time? Could you do more as a couple like walking/ theatre / cinema or meals out?

Did you ever go on holiday.

We know a couple where the husband was way more social but his wife wasn’t. It’s like he lives half a life. For their holiday they go to a hotel about 50 minute from home. Same place every year. It’s sad.

I think this is a very insightful post.

OP it sounds as if you have not really gone through adolescence. The life you describe is the sort of life I could imagine being satisfying for a primary school aged child or an older person. It doesn’t sound normal for a healthy young adult.

There’s nothing wrong with this and at one level it’s lovely that you want to spend time with your family. I bet they love it. But it does sound a little bit like some arrested development has occurred.

You do need to accept that while this works for you its fairly unusual and is unlikely to be sufficient for most adults. I think it might be worth exploring this with a therapist: it sounds like you might need some help “launching” yourself a bit.

It sounds as if your husband has started to bridle a bit at this and is sending you a signal that he wants more from life. You need to decide whether to go with him or let him go alone. Change and development can be unsettling but you can’t stop it and you certainly can’t mandate this on someone else’s behalf.

Op, your lifestyle is not that of an introvert, so much as a recluse.

Your first post mentions no plans for children, and I infer from that , that you are young enough to have that as a consideration.

You , hopefully, have a lot of years ahead of you; time to try out different things and decide whether they truly are not for you, or, in fact , you quite enjoyed the change.

A saying where I am from - ‘you’re a long time dead’

It was perfect for you, but it turns out not for him so much. He may have been content with it at the time but he’s tasted the world and freedom now - I doubt he will be able to go back into his box even if he wanted to.

Two choices: either you try to grow and explore with him, or if that’s not possible split and find someone who is on the same page as you.

Must be hard op but actually it sounds like he is living his life in a healthier way now socialising and getting out beyond four walls. He obviously just needed to find the right crowd to broaden his horizons and if he was just falling in with doing what you actually wanted to do because he didn't have options then he possibly would have got itchy feet and become resentful at not doing anything, in time.

I think london trip might be too far too soon Maybe a cinema trip or pizza place.

Maybe he’s not ready to live the life of a retiree

I think it's odd that you don't seem to even want to try a day out with just your husband.

It was perfect for you, but not for him, clearly.

It's nice having strong connections with family but it's also very very unusual to only spend time with the same five or six family members in each other's houses and no one or nowhere else, day in day out.

Ah I get what you mean op, it is sad, you both had your thing and now he’s changed. It is nice in a way but don’t get posters acting like your different is wrong. You’re both just different now. Can you try some of his stuff and compromise a little but also tell him going to his mums on your own was sad for you and you need some of his time too.

For you. But not him.

How old are you both?

The life you describe living together is extremely limiting. You say 'we were so happy' but I think it's you who was 'so happy'.

Whether you consider it growing and evolving as a person or changing, it's upsetting when you feel that that person is moving away from you. You have two options - to try some of these new things with him or to sit st home while he goes off and lives a little. I think if you choose the latter, the writing and well and truly on the wall.

It's no-one's fault.