AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

I'd die of boredom in the life you describe, hanging out with parents, and I am 54!
I would also divorce anyone who stopped me from going out, meeting friends and travelling.

Are you both very young? It sounds like it's the first relationship for both of you, and he's growing up and out of this pensioner lifestyle. It can happen, when one partner outgrows the other - it's obviously sad and you're entitled to feel a type of way about it, but unfortunately he's not going to suddenly switch back.

Although I can appreciate the change is hard and you miss what your life used to look like, he’s simply enjoying new things and exploring life!
i say this as an introvert homebody who’s partner is quite the opposite, if you don’t want to join in fair enough but you can’t keep him caged, theres a big world out there

You think this is the life of a retiree? Really? The “retirees” I know (or have known, now deceased) are active members of political parties, go on holidays, have dinner parties, do sports and hobbies, eat out, do voluntary work, go to adult education classes, attend dance groups, choirs, concerts, see friends etc etc etc.

Do the ones you know do none of these things??? Even if in your own family, people stop doing anything outside of their home/family as soon as they retire, surely you yourself sometimes go to restaurants/hotels/classes/gyms/concerts and can see that there are “retirees” there? I know/have known precisely one “retiree” who can be described as a homebody and has a similarly narrow life to OP and he has always been the same so it’s nothing to do with his age.

Have you thought about seeking counselling/therapy for your agoraphobia? A lot of people think agoraphobia is fear of leaving the house (which it can become), but truly it is a fear of “the marketplace” - crowds, unknown people, unfamiliar places. Familiar also comes from the word family. So you’re happy with family, not happy with un-family.

You may have been happy, but he can’t have been fulfilled or he wouldn’t have considered the hybrid role and when the others invited him out he would have said no.

I’m sorry you don’t feel ready for this, but as others have said this is going to be a choice between working on your agoraphobia or possibly (maybe even probably) separating with your DH.

It’s a sad story OP but you only have two choices.

Either stay as the homebody you are and resent your husbands new fulfilling life for as long as he is prepared to have you sitting at home moaning about it when he comes home. Because eventually he will stop coming home.

Or realise that you can find enjoyment and fun in a life outside the four walls of your home.

You do both sound very young. I hate to say it because it is becoming such a cliche but I wonder what your age and experience was during lockdown. It sounds a bit as though you both somehow missed out on the spreading your wings excitement of being a young adult and learning just how exciting the world can be. Clearly your husband has had his eyes opened and is enjoying his new job, his increased status, his new salary. If you want to keep up with him then you are going to have to start setting foot outside the door , make new connections and realising that there are other people in the world apart from your families and your cosy 1950 Sunday afternoon teas with them.

Try to find local groups to join, a sport, or a hobby, even think about buying a dog and meeting other dog owners, go to a book group, do anything to widen your very limited horizons .

I think as lovely as it sounds for someone young your life seems small. I think it's great he's trying to include you. Your parents won't be around forever. Life is short. Try to live it and experience new things.

It’s normal to change and develop.

When we were in our 20’s we loved going out, then we had kids and enjoyed family time with the grandparents instead….then our kids left home and we’ve started going out again.

All perfectly normal and acceptable, until you end up in the situation you’re in where you want different things. My DH started a hobby about twenty years ago that I didn’t fancy much but it could’ve left me sat at home a lot on weekends so I joined him…now I do it more than he does!

You need to at least be willing to meet him halfway and try some things, even if it’s just the two of you going for days out (doesn’t have to involve his new mates, he can see them another time)

He still likes your favourite scones and cakes, but he also is enjoying trying macaroons and eclairs.

Someone put it well- He's either going to grow with you, or grow without you. It's your choice which one you want that to be.

Sorry but this sounds like a reverse as in ‘God I don’t want to have to go for tea and scones at his mothers every weekend’ but it seems you actually like this! Maybe he didn’t enjoy always seeing family and wants to broaden his horizons and make friends and see places! Sounds like you’re not compatible!

But the OP’s husband doesn’t share this perspective.

Its fine to live a quiet and family oriented life if its what you have both chosen. Not fine to unilaterally impose this on a spouse who wants more from life.

I also think on your point about “healthiness”: theres is a huge amount of data that shows social isolation is a huge factor in shortening life. Its a major risk factor in dementia etc. To be blunt it is also a risk if the marriage fails if the OP has no other friends.

This doesn’t mean you have to be out drinking every night or going to expensive restaurants but I don’t think there’s any serious dispute that a life with some social variety is healthier than one centred around a small handful of family members.

Perhaps part of the reason he was such a homebody and lived such a quiet life was because he didn't have people to do other things with. He probably was content to live a very small life-but he might not have been.

He is excited about trying some new things and is trying to take you with him not leave you behind. Try a restaurant with him, meet his new friends. Perhaps suggest a quietish place and only meeting two new people to start with.

You owe him to make a little effort. If you don't, he may move on without you. Your life will shrink even further minus him, his parents and his cousins.

Just wanted to highlight the fact there are 4 different types of introvert. Social introvert, thinking introvert, Anxious introvert and Restrained introvert. They all have different traits but share a common theme of needing solitude to recharge. One person’s experience of introversion can be very different to another’s depending on what type they are. As an introvert myself my biggest challenge is all the extroverts trying to fix me! Rather than accepting it’s who I am. Nothings broken nothing needs fixing.

He wasn’t that happy then OP - maybe you meet him halfway, else I can’t see this marriage lasting. Sorry.

This. People change and marriages change over time. He’s trying to include you, trying to bring you with him on this change. That’s a good thing for you and your marriage, if you want it to be.

I’m wondering if you met not long before or during Covid when everyone’s world was quiet and small. He’s just found out it doesn’t have to stay like that.

So people.should never change, grow, seek out new interests or people?

I think the issue is you OP.

I think that the issue is that this cosy little life isn't sustainable. Sorry but parents inevitably age and die.

It seems like your lives are going in different directions, if you want to stay together you need to meet each other half way, he needs to spend some time at home with you and you need to explore a little with him.

A good healthy relationship is about facilitating each other to grow and flourish, not holding each other back. There’s absolutely nothing stopping you making new friends who just want to chill and eat cake and not go to busy places.

Were you very young when you got together? my sisters have had lives like you. I would have withered on the vine. People do change I would say there was something similar when I was young but I am your DH. I was living with my High school sweetheart, had been in nursing for a while but had enough and changed jobs and met people who had done a lot more in life, been to University, nursing wasn’t a degree back then.

So I left him and went to University as a mature student whilst working to pay my way. Ended up living in Birmingham, after living in a small rural community all my life. He still lives there as do 3 of my sisters seeing the same people day in and day out. He just didn’t want to move and I did. Try doing stuff with him, I ended up marrying a man who had been on many adventures and travelled round the world for almost 2 years in his mid twenties. We are now retired and travel about in our motorhome when we can. It’s the continent next year for the 3 months we are allowed. May nip in to a non Schengen zone to extend.

It’s no one’s actual fault if you got together young the brain is still developing until you are round 28 it’s why I’m a big advocate of not marrying and having kids too young.

Do you have friends of your own OP?

You don't know it's social anxiety. The op described her life as perfect before her dh changed, so she was happy with it.

Problem having your parents as your social life is that they won’t be around for ever.

Are you their only social life too @newlifeoldme

If either of you had been my DC and the only time you went out was to come to see me I would have been encouraging you to do other things too.

Many people have to adapt as life moves on. There’s another thread going on when mum has realised her teens don’t want to do things with her like they used to do in the summer holidays. We have become empty nesters, DC have partners, we also have become carers for elderly parents so our lives and time has changed drastically in the last few years

Have a discussion with your DH, the novelty of socialising may wear off a bit so he doesn’t go out so often but maybe you need to try and embrace some of it. Meet in the middle. He shouldn’t completely dump his parents etc either

It wasn’t perfect for him. It wouldn’t be for the vast majority of people, to be honest, it’s massively suffocating. It sounds like you really enjoyed it, but it was never going to be enough for him.

Most adults don’t build their social lives around their parents; or see them twice a week.

Would you be willing to go out more with other friends, or is it the wider circle and socialising you don’t want to do?

I suspect your choices here are going to be to join in and see if you like it too, or to get used to doing a lot separately and hope that neither of you gets lonely. It sounds harsh but this is such a huge difference in preferences and personality. It’s difficult to see how this ends without you having significantly grown apart.

His parents sound stifling. Favourite tea and scones every weekend?! Good grief. How close do you live to them all? Red flags for their expectations of you as they age.