AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

It’s irrelevant whether he is going to Korean barbecues or building a model train set. It doesn’t matter whether it’s happening inside the home or outside,

The point is he is trying new stuff and the OP isn’t. He has in the jargon a “growth mindset” while the OP wants her life to remain in aspic, preserved permanently in the same weekend with no variation.

Its very obvious that this isn’t going to be sustainable for a youngish man who is meeting new people. The OP either opens herself up to try new things, ideas and people or the whole thing blows up.

He could've been bored senseless if that was extent of social life and now taking more opportunities that have presented themselves Good for him

If you want to live such and insular life then go ahead but don't expect him to now he's had a taste of what life can be

How did you even get to meet him if you don't go anywhere

Your husband's new job dropped him into a group that enjoys socializing and he's been exposed to life outside the parental homes and your own. He's discovered he enjoys getting out with different people and enjoys socializing and trying different cuisines and having new experiences.

You can resent it all you want but it won't change the fact that he's no longer content to live an extremely restricted life of visiting parents and staying home. You have a couple options here. Go along when he invites you or stay home and only visit your parents. If you choose to stay home, you and your husband will grow apart and likely split. If you go, you might find you can enjoy spending time with your husband outside the narrow circle you've made for yourself. If you don't, recognize you've grown apart and you no longer are compatible.

You sound like you have social anxiety and have been living a life that caters to that anxiety. Your husband is no longer going to cater to that.

@HollyhocksandPeons

hahha, pissing myself at the idea that it’s only acceptable for teens to go to cafes and eateries….at what age should you only eat and drink in your own home in your view?

and yes he IS developing a person - he is having new experiences, growing friendships and discovering a life behind WFH, OP and his family.

Go on live a little! Plenty of time to stay home when you are old. Carpe Diem and all that!

What do you imagine your life was going to be like when your DPs are no longer around? I've no idea how old you are, but you're treating your "being an introvert" as some sort of disease that means its impossible for you to be a normal social human being. I think you better start making plans for how you will cope when your DH asks you for the divorce.

Isn't everyone a "rando" to start with? If you didn't take a chance on randos you wouldn't have anyone in your life outside of your immediate family.

@newlifeoldme It would be rude to ask what age you are, but as someone over 60 I very much agree with the Lucille Ball
"I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done."
While you feel happy with your limited social interaction - he is not.
Imagine the resentment you will cause if he suddenly looks back and sees things he could have done but did not to keep you "happy"
If your husband is enjoying going out more, could you not try to engage with it a little?
Maybe start by going out just the two of you but to something different?
Then doing an activity with his new friends every now and again.
Nothing stays the same- the relatives will also move on and change with their lives it is natural.

Exactly this - people grown together or they grow apart. The latter ends in sadness. Could you at least maybe try a little bit - you might surprise yourself? And if it’s really not for you then you can at least say you’ve tried.

It will be expected as part of his job that he does socialise with the rest of the team.

Why are his work friends 'randos' HollyhocksandPeons? You sound dismissive of DHs new gang and I couldn't help but wonder why. It feels to me like this new social group have offered DH a lifeline to exchange tea and scones with his mum for Korean BBQ and stuff he hasn't done before with new people who have had different lives. I do like a museum and I read plenty but neither are morally superior to hanging around in a cafe with a new found group of mates. I suspect DH didn't do enough of this as a teenager (too much tea and scones instead) so is making up for it now. We don't actually know how old OP and DH are so he might not be especially old.

Im thinking this is in fact what her DH wants to do every weekend and she doesn't and is bored. I don't take this at face value anymore!

What a weird take - do you think all the billions of adults who love going for brunch, to the pub and for meals out are all behaving like teenagers too? 😂

I'm also not sure what you mean by his new hobbies not being meaningful? So fucking what? It's not like he's sat around with OP solving world hunger, they're sitting at his mum's house, week in, week out, eating the same flavour of scones all the time😴

How condescending! You may look down on what he and he wants to do but doubt they care!

This is fair, especially as it’s clear she’s complaining to his mother, trying to get her on side to curtail whay he does. Which is so unacceptable it’s unbelievable.

Does everything people do have to be “meaningful”? Is going out to eat with colleagues any less meaningful than sitting round his mum’s on a Saturday with a scone? It’s hardly like his life with OP is filled with intellectual meaningful pursuits, from what she’s said.

Your world sounds very small and insular . What’s the matter with checking out new cafes or going to a Korean bbq . Life is for living not being sheltered .

To answer your question, it’s not the job that you should resent. The new situation is clearly what your h is really like (or who he’d like to be)

Your current life would be dull for most people and unless you change things by going out sometimes, you are going to grow apart from your h. If he wasn’t inviting you out then I would be more supportive of you but he wants to have adventures with you which is a green flag. I think that you should accept some invitations before the chasm is too wide.

I think that you should really look into work that isn’t WFH because I suspect that your job is a major reason why you’re struggling with socialising. BTW I think that if you were introverted, you’d be home alone reading etc. You enjoy seeing your ILs and parents because I think that you see them often enough that you have the skills and confidence to do joy that time. If you worked in an office at least once or twice a week, I think you’d be much better at meeting people and being social. I don’t mean you would start being a party animal but the regular in person contact would make you more sociable.

I think it is fine to resent the new job as it has changed everything for you - your world has been disrupted and that is scary.

However I do agree with others in that your DH would not have applied for a job thats 1x a week wfh if he didn’t want to change, or if he wasn’t bored. It isn’t a life really socialising with parents every weekend, and from what I understand you are now socialising with them alone while he is out with friends/ doing hobbies. He has found a big new world out there, and I am afraid you are going to have to support his choices and make it work with him, or walk away.

There are plenty of things people who are introverted enjoy - what have you tried?? what else would you like to do today that doesn’t involve being at your MiL’s? wheres DH, whats he up too? can you join him?

My DH is an introvert, but he married someone who loves travelling and seeing/ trying new things - he has been travelling with me now for 24 years and loves it! Aside from that he plays golf (often alone), goes to the range (alone), he walks, he paints, he cooks. These things make him happy, we compromise…. we have our closest friends over this evening and he is at the range now on his own for a few hours, while I tidy, walk the dogs etc… it works because we have grown together and we do not and should not stifle each others worlds.

Most of the time I'm sympathetic to the posters on here, but there is something about the way you write that sounds quite self-centred.

You write about things being perfect or good for you, and it comes across like now you're a little pissy that he's had the audacity to do perfectly normal things that you're not fussed with. He'd like to explore a few nice coffee shops in London ffs. That's about as gentile as it comes, something that old people do. He's not talking about a month in the middle of Tokyo or going backpacking in Columbia!!

Was it really perfect for him though and was he really a homebody too, as you say? Or is this something you decided on his behalf, and he was simply going with the flow as he knew it pleased you and his parents?

He's clearly more extroverted than you thought he was. You seem very routine orientated and want to have a small world, but most people aren't like this to the same degree as you are.

@newlifeoldme

perfect for you maybe, but evidently not him.

if you don’t adapt, you will lose him.

p.s on weekends do you really never mix with people your own age?

If this is a reverse , then it is beyond tedious .

Also -and this is SO MN

If the sexes were reversed there wouldn't be all the platitudes and ahhh posts , it would be :

"Has your husband always been so controlling"?

"I bet he doesn't say no to the 30% pay rise you're bringing to the table"

"He's not even TRYING to meet your new friends and collegues"

"He's trying to guilt you into changing your new found life and options"

"Of course he's going round family with you , he wants to to keep you in a small circle . I bet his parents are in on it . Stay In Your Lane op "

"He was happy OP , obviously you weren't and d'you know what ? He didn't fucking care that you weren't . That's not a loving partner , that's your Jailor "

Oh and the Icing on the Cake would be
"Don't have kids with this man, you'll be parenting alone "

Only on Mumsnet

Yes. You never know you might enjoy yourself.

You are going to have to be really brave and get out there. I know you were happy with just being around family but that really isn't healthy - you both need to socialise further.

Good luck! You can do it!
X

no, i don’t think this is introverted either, i think it’s a form of social anxiety , i would guess there is a reason behind the op not wanting to go out to new places, socialise with friends, or new acquaintances etc, and it’s not just she loves eating scones with her parents or in-laws. But these things make her uncomfortable, potentially a fear of being judged, about being able to fit in, her conversation skills, etc

but this isn’t about being introverted, if it was she’d be able to mix in small groups, whomever they were,

People are commenting 'he is developing as a person, life is more than ..., ' This is such nonsense, cafe-hopping is not developing as a person and going to Korean barbeques is not either. You can develop as a person inside your own home, if you put your mind to it.
He is just different from you, you married a wrong person, that is all. He thinks that going to restaurants with new found friends (read randos) is meaningful, which is laughable.
I would understand if you wrote - he became a voracious reader, he drags me to museums, theatre, etc. He started doing this charity work with his new friends, I am worried he became too cause-oriented - now, that would be 'living life and developing as a person'. not handing out, like a teenager around cafes and restaurants, like a teenager who never went out to eat before.
You have either to join him in his pursuits or divorce him - you won't have any other options.

What on earth is sad about not going on holiday with your parents?