AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

I fight against my life shrinking. I'm not into skydiving, but I'm not ready to retire.

Nothing wrong with seeing family, but it can be both not either or

OP how are you doing since you posted last ?

I understand introversion. I'm not exactly a social butterfly. But in my mid 40s, I'm now pushing myself out of my comfort zone more because life is for living. My kids are growing up, I want to experience more of the world before it's too late. I refuse to become an empty nester with no interests outside of family.

Op, i think your dh's horizons have expanded and I can't say I blame him. Your existence has been very insular, and suffocatingly parochial. That cannot last forever. The way I see it you're growing apart, and it's nobody's fault really. He's had a taste of broader life experiences and is extremely unlikely to be content or satisfied with your previous existence. You either need to begin pushing yourself outside of your own comfort zone, or accept that you want different things from life. Sorry.

It sounds so harsh as you sound like such a sweetheart but a grown man who only socialising is with his mother is a bit sad. I think it’s brilliant he’s found a group of people he enjoys spending time with and doing new things. Is there a couple in the group you could double date with so it’s a bit less intense? Or could he pick 2 people he is closest with to do something with you so you can be involved and it not be a larger crowd?

But if he isn't happier, why is he so actively pursuing a different kind of life? Why is he booked up until September?

This doesn't mean OP's husband was UNhappy before. It doesn't mean that, because he's found a better mix for him, that what came before was bad. But it's disingenuous to pretend he doesn't see these changes as an improvement.

Your life is very small and monotonous @newlifeoldme

I know everyone is different but it sounds like it was quite a boring life for him at his age.

He is as happy, you are just brining your own bias into it. But as he is as happy now doing all this, removing what he is as happy with is clearly then going to be worse.

But he isn't "happier", just because you can't comprehend people could be as happy as you or those who do more whole living their own lives their own way.

You say it was enough and you were both happy. Well it sounds more like you were happy and he wasn’t complaining. He wants to explore and live a normal life.

Im afraid you’re the unusual one here. Considering you won’t even go out for dinner or to a few cafes or meet any of his friends.

Don't be cruel.

Don’t do that. Just don’t. It’s so mean.

Oh no, don't become paranoid about 'other women' because your husband doesn't wants to eat scones every weekend with his mum. And wanting to meet other people is not 'selfish'.
It's perfectly normal.

I would feel so suffocated if my husband kept policing my mentions of friends.

I understand you feel sad, I hope you will try to join him and enjoy yourself a mix of his new life snd your old life would be nice. Is your husband socially awkward and feels included and accepted for the 1st time. Be careful I married very young my husband was very quiet and shy and a bit geaky, he grew up got handsome and completly changed. Try to let him fly and join In men are pretty sad and selfish once they are influenced by other people complaining only drives them away. Is there any woman in the group that he mentions more.

Yes I was surprised they are mid thirties, which means they are more similar to th4 couple I know I mentioned up thread. I also wonder how much is intertia

bur she says she’s always been like this. And thought she’d found someone happy to live as she wishes. Which is indescribably selfish to try to stop him experiencing new things and enjoying life in different ways. The pressure being applied is horrible his family. Her and his mother are fighting him which is shocking,

I really think inertia is involved here as much as social anxiety.
OP cannot reasonably be described as ‘still young’ given her present age, and I think whatever it takes to shake some action is now pretty urgent, or she’ll become completely ossified in place, and her personality and potential life experience quite unexplored. It’d be such a waste.
(I’d even wonder if a course of testosterone might boost her general interest in life)

Op I think this is a good thing, it's better to broaden your social lives beyond family. If you don't gel with his work friends then I'd take that time away from your partner as an opportunity to do some exercise or join a hobby group or club so that perhaps you can make your own friends.

You’re absolutely right about what introversion actually means - but I don’t think the OP’s issue is about labels. Her DH isn’t suddenly ‘not an introvert’, he’s just in a new job with new people and new energy.

The dynamic of their relationship has changed, and she’s feeling left behind. That’s the bit that needs addressing, not whether he’s introverted or extroverted.”

Absolutely this. A genuine introvert is happy with his or her own company. Not codependent on their spouse or parents.

My point is that very often when people present as “introverts” they are not introverts, they are people with high levels of social anxiety (such as the OP). But there are so many fellow travellers on here who will fall in with this analysis and persuade them that this is normal and sustainable when its not.
l would say introversion is the opposite of social anxiety because normally introverts are perfectly happy in their own company. I don't think anything of going to the cinema on my own, or sitting in a cafe or a pub with a book on my own. Being suffocated by just sitting around with your husband and his mother the whole time is not introversion.

@WhatNoRaisins

I can see how it happens because I think that building a social life and finding compatible friends can be really difficult these days for a variety of reasons. Pretending not to want something that you feel like you can't have is a common coping mechanism and I think that's behind some of this.

Exactly. Pushing people away before they have the chance to reject you: it's a classic self-protection tactic. Teenagers have done it for decades.

The difference is now it has become normalised as an acceptable lifestyle choice to become an "introvert". You see it on here with people piling onto threads to say how much they hate "people" and using awful phrases like "it's too peopley out there" etc.

We do need to tackle it. As you say, it needs to be done in a compassionate and respectful way but it's not healthy to pretend not to like anyone other than your husband and children (or parents) and we as a society need to do a better job of coaxing people out of this in a safe way. And stop pretending its quirky or interesting. It's not: it's a road to lifelong loneliness and stifling dependency.

There are a few of us around attempting to combat the wilful misuse of the term 'introvert', when it's used to mean 'timid, socially-anxious or -unskilled person' or 'misanthrope', rather than what it actually means, which is someone who, regardless of how/how often/how enjoyably they socialise, need some solo downtime to recharge. An actual introvert may be shy or socially-awkward, sure, but they may also be talkative, socially-confident and attention-loving. The thing that makes them an introvert if whether they find socialising a charge on a drain.

The update that you met your husband as guests at an abroad wedding is highly relevant. You must have had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to travel, attend and meet new people. But if you hadn't then you wouldn't have met your lovely husband and his nice family. It's clearly worth making the effort now and again to see what these new experiences can offer!

I agree. "Moving the goalposts" would be suddenly deciding he does want children after all, or that he wants to emigrate. "Do we have to go to Mum and Dad's for tea every week?" isn't, or at least shouldn't, be marriage-threatening.

I think we agree! Ah that statement is a novelty for me on Mumsnet!😉🤐

It's lovely that you're so close to family but at times you need to broaden your friendship group & enjoy different experiences. Your husband hasn't changed at all he's just found new friends to enjoy time with. That's not a bad thing. He's asked if you'd like to join him but you've chose not to. Maybe if you go along sometime you might find you enjoy it more than you thought you would. Obviously your husband does.