Thanks for all the different perspectives I appreciate it.
We've spoken about it. I was completely honest with him. He now knows I’ve been married and divorced 3 times. Naturally, he had a lot of questions, and we talked through everything openly.
I've had a great deal of support from family, friends and professionals over the years. I was 22 when it happened. I've had time to process it, and I don't intend to spend the rest of my life defined by one chapter of my life or trapped in it. I'm incredibly grateful I didn't have children from that marriage, and even more grateful that I got out safely. Looking back, I can see that I was young, naïve and lacking the life experience I have now. I almost certainly wouldn't make the same decisions today, but there's very little to be gained from spending your life regretting choices that can't be undone. All I can do is learn from them.
Someone very close to him was in an abusive relationship and, tragically, didn't survive it. He told me that when we discussed my first marriage, so he understands that abuse is rarely as simple as people looking in from the outside often imagine. I was honest with him and he responded with compassion rather than judgment.
Being in an abusive marriage isn't something I introduce myself with. It isn't my identity. In truth there are long periods where it barely crosses my mind because it no longer defines who I am or how I live my life.
What has surprised me most is the amount of judgment. I'm genuinely pleased for people who've made consistently good decisions throughout their lives. I certainly haven't. I've made plenty of mistakes some with consequences that have shaped the course of my life. But every good decision and every bad one has brought me to where I am today, and despite my life looking very different from what I imagined, I can honestly say I'm happy.
I never imagined I'd have children with different fathers. That wasn't the future I pictured for myself, but it's the life I have, and I wouldn't change it now because changing it would mean changing my children. They are here, and I love them more than anything. My responsibility is to them. I would never knowingly put them in harm's way, and I've made sure they have access to whatever support they need because I recognise that the breakdown of their parents' relationships inevitably affects them.
All I can do is be the best mother I can be. Thankfully, they have wonderful, involved fathers who love them every bit as much as I do. I've never felt as though I've had to raise them alone. We communicate well, we co-parent respectfully, and our children have strong relationships with both sides of their families. They're surrounded by love, stability and opportunity, with parents who, although no longer together, remain completely committed to putting them first.
I don't claim to have lived a perfect life. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes, and I've experienced things I wouldn't wish on anyone. My life has been far from conventional. But I refuse to be shamed for surviving difficult circumstances, learning from poor decisions, and building a life that is healthy, peaceful and fulfilling.
If I'm honest, there are many things I once wished had turned out differently. I would have liked all of my children to have the same father. I would have liked to finish medical school the first time instead of dropping out and finding my way back years later if if have stuck to it I could have completed my surgical training by now and been preparing to be surgeon by now.I've now been a doctor for eight years, and had life unfolded differently I might have reached that point much earlier. There are opportunities I lost,years I can't get back, and decisions I made that I now see with the benefit of hindsight.
But hindsight is a luxury that only exists because you have lived through the experience. Those years also gave me resilience, perspective and an appreciation for life that I don't think I would otherwise have developed. In many ways, they've made me a better doctor, a more compassionate person and, I hope, a better mother.
I was fortunate to have an incredibly privileged upbringing. I attended a good independent school, the world was my oyster really and had parents who would have done almost anything for me. Maybe that’s why I had the experiences I did. For a long time I didn't truly appreciate how fortunate I was. Then my life unravelled, largely because of my own decisions as well as circumstances I couldn't control, and I felt as though I'd become a disappointment to the people who had invested so much in me.
They never made me feel that way. If anything they did the opposite. Through every poor decision, every setback and every difficult period, my parents, my siblings, friends etc they loved me unconditionally. Whenever I fell, they helped me back to my feet. Looking back, that's one of the greatest privileges I've ever had not the education or the financial security, but knowing that no matter how badly I got things wrong, there were people who never stopped believing I could rebuild my life and I did.