Struggling to accept DS 3.5 is likely autistic

Also my younger autistic DS hated singing at nursery and hated me singing. We agreed with nursery that he would do coloring in when the singing was happening.
Hes now 19, loves music and played the clarinet for years to a good standard.

Keep going with the speech therapy as long as you can.
As a parent of 2 ND children I want to say it’s quite scary when they are little. But believe in your child, spend time with them, help them to develop this interests and they will come. We think one of DS first interests was the color yellow and later on rocks. He loved physics. Help them to expand their knowledge and encourage it.
what @Sonolanona is very true

I didn't say I found it easy not to compare but that I find it best not to. Not sure why you are having a go? You asked for advice?

Wonderful post 🥰😍

Probably the easiest way to accept the reality of our DC.

Ha sorry. My son is four, about to start school without many words, not properly potty trained and we have his autism assessment next week. I suppose I just have accepted it. Obviously if I do too much comparing with his peers it is a bit depressing. For example he would rather play with football cones than any toys.

Op I could have written so much of this a year ago, although both of mine are ND but my eldest was super advanced developmentally and was so ready for school despite her challenges.

DS was diagnosed a little over a year ago at just under 3.5. He was non verbal until 3, and then when he did speak, was a gestalt language processor, and then with support/SALT input went on to use these to develop more spontaneous speech, albeit very narrative of what's around him (that car is red, the boy has a bear, etc) rather than anything expressive.

He has bowel/bladder issues and potty training seemed a distant dream that we couldn't even begin to imagine cracking, both with the ASD and the medical issues.

We applied to school last November and I genuinely wasn't sure if we could manage mainstream, but applied anyway and decided to give it a shot.

He is now nearly 4 and a half, and starts school in September.

The speech has come on in leaps and bounds. Expressive speech is slowly appearing, although we do sometimes default to scripts for that, but outside of expressing needs/feelings we're getting much more conversation and back and forth. He likes to process everything out loud, which sometimes helps us get an insight into his brain a bit sometimes, even if he can't do that in a conversation. He can follow 2/3 step instructions.

He potty trained himself for wees in November, and tried poos in December but we called it quits because it wasn't going well and he was getting really distressed. He tried again in February, at his own request, and cracked it there and then, not a single accident, although we're still working on coordination for wiping etc.

He still has his meltdowns, but we're getting better at knowing his triggers, and the warning signs, and have been able to communicate these to school. He is a bit more receptive to allowing us to help, and we can reason with him a bit more when needed.

And while some of his challenges are showing up more as he gets older (food/sensory issues) His personality shines through now. He doesn't always enjoy the typical things you'd expect, we were at a party the other day and he didn't join in a single party game, but he has some lovely friends. He is so kind and affectionate, loves to hug/kiss his friends goodbye. He's (mostly) very good at sharing, and loves to make people laugh. His problem solving skills are like none I've ever seen in a preschooler (probably from being non-verbal for so long). He loves his special interests, and can tell you all about them. He's nothing like so many of his peers, and our lives all look a bit different as a result, but he is an absolute joy, as I'm sure your DS is, and we're adapting. He's happy in his own skin, for now, and is so excited for school. I know it will bring new challenges, but I, like you, this time 12 months ago kept telling myself "yeah everyone says he'll change so much in a year, but surely he's not going to change enough to cope in mainstream" and he really has ticked off so much now, he just wanted to do it in his own timescale.

Not the most helpful

DD is ASD since about 7 years. She wasn’t speaking full sentences at the start of reception but quickly made progress. She isn’t high functioning and really struggles at school. She’s now in year 7 at main stream secondary and we are moving her due to bullying. Fitting in is hard but she has one friend. Hard to get her to join clubs. Home life is her salvation. Sorry OP but it’s different for everyone and it’s a long journey. I think she will eventually be fine though and of course we will be supporting her whatever it takes.

I think you just accept it because what other choice is there?

My 8 year old daughter with autism is very delightful and happy. We've had many a rough road but I would happily have many more children like her. I have three other children (neurotypical) and finding them much more tricky...and moody.

@okroger my DS is 4 next month and is basically non verbal still. As with yours he's an awful eater and he recently had to stop attending his childminder because she just couldn't cope with his behaviours when he was dysregulated, which has gotten more frequent and stronger as he gets older. I'm awaiting pediatric appointment to get him assessed for autism and I also think he has SPD for sure. Like you I'm terrified of him starting school next year, especially if his speech hasn't improved. Also he's still in nappies and potty training is nowhere near ready to happen. I'm hoping to secure an ehcp before he starts school because tbh id prefer him to be in a specialist setting. As he's got older he seems to not like being around other children for any length of time so I'm so worried about schooling😭 I hope everything works out for you 😊

My son also wouldn’t join in with any singing or carpet time at that age. He still won’t do class assemblies or singing, but he can sit in the carpet for most of the session but has brain breaks/sensory circuits.

Yes. He’s in mainstream. They’ve supported him really well. He had his EHCP before he started school which helps. Also, he’s definitely in the right place, his reading and writing is expected and he’s very good at maths. Socially there are issues, but we manage those. He goes to clubs rather than play dates as he doesn’t get invited but the clubs help him feel connected.

I've been in that exact situation and felt how you describe. It's really hard to admit and I'm full of guilt but I can't help comparing this to parenting the older ones and thinking about how much easier life was before. I love him so much and it hurts to think that way. Luckily I do still get to do things with the older DC but not so much as a whole family as the younger one takes up all the attention and he won't have things anyone else's way.
He has just finished Reception, he started in nappies, finished fully dry in the day 😀 Most of his speech is still scripts and he can't hold a conversation but he can make his needs known. He developed some lovely bonds with school staff. He had an EHCP for extra support which is very much needed as he can't engage with group learning. He's in mainstream school but I do think specialist is a possibility in the next few years. I can't say it gets easier yet, maybe it never will. But there are definitely good moments, them milestones feel so much more special after waiting a long time for them, even wondering we may never get there. I have ups and downs, sometimes I think he is going to need lifelong care and have a difficult life, other times I look at what he has achieved and remember he is only 5 so there is still the chance he will be a functioning adult.
I do remember last summer, which was before he started school, being an awful time, I was so worried and anxious, I cried a few times. When I think back to that I can actually see that it has got easier in some ways, but that may just be that I have become more resilient.
Not sure if my waffle is any use but I just wanted to show some solidarity 💕

From the school side of things, many mainstreams have plenty of experience of supporting children with ASD. There are plenty of children in mainstream who are pre-verbal in Y6 and who have had successful school journeys up to that point. It may be that ultimately a specialist placement is the best place for your son but don't underestimate what mainstreams can provide nowadays.

My now 8 year old son was diagnosed as autistic at 3.5. He started mainstream school in nappies and unable to follow or understand instructions. He spent a lot of time outside the classroom and didn’t have friends.
Now, he is doing well at school. I still think often how easy my life would be if I’d stopped at 2, he’s the youngest of 3, he’s can be draining talking about the same thing and whilst he used to amuse himself lining things up or writing lists, he struggles to keep himself occupied like his older siblings do. However, he’s unrecognisable to how he was when we couldn’t have a conversation and everything was a battle.