AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

Knew it was adhd. I could have written this post. Sounds like he isn’t on medication. Mine isn’t. Wasted 18 years of my life. Have 2 lovely kids though.
he is so controlling but I had to leave to set an example to my kids.

Christ on a bike poor you and your poor kids

get some proper legal advice about where you stand rather than wringing your hands and saying "he won't accept, he won't like". You have to be stronger than that which sucks but unfortunately you appear to have married a cunt

oh and he definitely won't actually want 50/50 - he'll just say he does to scare you into not disobeying him

You can't live like this@Internationalwomendayheadquarters. Get rid of him for you and your children's sake

This is a bizarre thread. By which I mean: you know he’s autistic and has ADHD but you’re still asking if you’re being over sensitive about his behaviour? What are you trying to get out of this?

I do hope you somehow find a way out of this relationship, though. Wish you and your DC all the best.

I came here to say this

Has his father ever had an autism assessment or has it been mentioned? There’s no excuse for his behaviour but the rigid black and white thinking, hoarding, and routines like the radio must be listened to when eating screams autism to me. There is often a genetic component.

Look up Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. He fits right in.

I would leave over this. Did you sign up to be under the thumb of some kind of angry drill sergeant when you got married ? Your children are going to flee this house of horras soon as they can.

Now you see...THAT is pedantic. Twatish but in no way abusive like the piece of shit you live with. Poor, poor children. I see the boarding school thread is going strong. May I suggest that this is one situation where children are better off out of the family?

This is not pedantic this is controlling weird behaviour

I'm 55 and fight getting "set in my ways" but your DH is being a miserable old bastard. Sorry op

I’m a man and he sounds like a tyrant

You get your ducks in a row, speak to women’s aid and/or rights of women and report him for coercive control. When he’s arrested apply for an occupation order etc.

It won’t be quick but it is doable.

OP, go and get some decent legal advice before you decide to put up with this forever. You’re worried about it destroying him but it’s destroying you and impacting the children. You may also find he’s a better day if he only has to parent 50% of the time.

He’s a bully. Mealtimes are for chatting and it’s where you hear stories from everyone’s day. Why does your DH believe he can dictate the times you are allowed to use the washing machine ?

I couldn’t live like that and it’s not fair on your children. Next mealtime, suggest to your DH that he goes into another room if he wants quietness but you are going to chat with your children during the meal. Put on a load of washing when it suits you and ignore any complaining, just don’t engage.

Bring your children to a fast food restaurant occasionally. Buy them sweets occasionally. You don’t actually need your DH’s permission or actually tell him what they have or have not eaten. Next time you declutter, bring the items to a charity shops/clothes bin/tip straight away without mentioning it to him.

You need to organise yourself.
You and your children are being bullied, abused, and controlled.

This is extremely damaging to your children.

You need to seek advice and support from local domestic abuse charities.

You need to contact Women's aid.

Your children deserve better than this.
It will only get worse.

You are clearly afraid of him.
Please find the strength to get help and protect your children.

They are of an age that you can self report to social services and ask for their help too.

Please don't subject your children to a life like this. I grew up in a home that sounds like yours and trust me, children know. I had a no idea what was normal or not and subsequently chose a husband like my father. Is this what's going on for you?

If you file for divorce, there will be a financial settlement. He won't be able to keep the house just because he wants to. It sounds like he wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage anyway?

It doesn't matter what he "sees" - the law will decide who gets what, not him.

Are you sure he'd really want them half the time? Men don't generally want to do all the work of parenting solo, even that much.

He sounds massively controlling - and unpleasant to live with. Please get some advice from Women’s aid and a solicitor. If he struggles with family life now, it will be even harder when the children are teens. You need to make a bid for the freedom that most of us take for granted as soon as you can - whether that is him leaving or you leaving with the children. What you describe is no way to live OP - sorry 💐

Please speak to a divorce lawyer and find out what your likely divorce outcome looks like - financially and in terms of custody. It may be better than you fear.

It doesn’t sound like anyone is benefitting from you staying married.

Exactly!

You are being too passive. You do have options because this man is abusive. Call women's aid. Get a solicitor. Let the police know what is happening. Nobody is going to save your children from this monster except you.

I’d say neither - he’s dictatorial and you’re not being over-sensitive. My FIL is like this - he tried it with me so I left and stopped visiting. Maybe it’s time for you to leave your DH?

He sounds weird. What do the kids think of his behaviour?

Honestly, your best option is to talk to a solicitor and find out your options. He can be as possessive as he likes about the house but realistically, if you split, one needs to buy the other out or the house gets sold.
On the flip side, that also means your money and assets are fair game so you could potentially bargain with them - he gets the house, you keep the money (depending on amounts etc).
Fundamentally, you sound scared (understandably) and he sounds like he’d like a life on his own.

Not an excuse, but have you/he considered he may also be ND? Doesn’t make a difference to how you deal with this really as you need to protect your dc regardless but may help to understand the reasons behind his behaviour.

If you’re not going to leave, you’ll need to build more flexibility into your life. Tell him he’ll need to eat elsewhere/on his own as you’ll be talking to the children at the table from now on.
Take the kids to McDs if you want to, he’s not the boss.

When you say he’ll go mad what do you mean? Shouting? Sulking? Aggression?