AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

My apologies for misunderstanding / badly reading your posts. I do understand the worry about changes as my brother is autistic also. Only you know if a change such as divorce is something that you can help him through but I can’t believe he would be better off staying in that kind of environment.

Your situation is extremely difficult for sure and I can only reiterate that I hope you find a way out.

And you don't think the environment DS is in now isn't contributing?...not being allowed to talk and everything he eats?..
Your husband is a narcissistic bully.
You need go leave...for the sake of the children..and you know it.
They will tear you to pieces in future years for ruining their lives by not protecting them from him.

Not for the first time today I've read a mother suggesting it will be better for her children to be abused with a little attempted ineffective defence rather than protecting the children and showing them a happy life. These are their years of emotional development OP...you can't wait and attempt to undo damage...you prevent it

The point of mealtimes is to be together/chat.

He is so rude listening to the radio/tv!

Get out of there OP! This is controlling and obsessive. No partner should "go ballistic" a our anything, or make you feel you can't pop a wash on or get the kids an ice cream - this is mad. If you're changing how you want to live purely based on his whims then you need to leave because it's genuinely dangerous.
This also all sounds unreasonable anyway (if it was reasonable requests, it's not ok to go ballistic but at least his ideas would be ok) - nobody can talk at meal times!? This is learning basic social behaviour for your kids, dinner table chat is a life skill. Not experiencing a fast food restaurant, whilst nutritionally healthy, is going to make them feel odd at school/with friends. Driving dangerously because he has an ego problem is literally risking their lives.
Please get out of there.

You’re living in a dictatorship, he’s a controlling abuser. He won’t want the children 50:50, or if he starts that way it won’t last, he can’t cope with them now. Please for your sake and the sake of the children, make plans to leave. Live your lives in peace. I guarantee that parenting won’t be an issue.

Op pedantic is someone who wants to show off their knowledge and come across as superior by pointing out minor irrelevant errors.

your husband is controlling.and abusive. Would he really want the kids 50 percent of tn4 time. Are you sure, or are you making reasons not to leave as you’re scared?

Please stick up for your children OP. They should be able to talk at the table, or enjoy treats without him kicking off - unfortunately you are the only one that can protect them from him.

Think she might be on the wrong site

Then you know this bullying behaviour is something your kids need saving from, and that you are the only potential hero in the frame to save them. It IS NOT your fault but it is now sadly your choice whether they have to live with this every day or not. Document his abuse, find the support and then have him removed from the family home. I know it’s easy to type and horrendous to do, but you are strong and brave and you know that this control and bullying of you all is wrong.

As someone who grew up with an abusive parent who the other parent didn’t ever leave but tried to shield me from - they’re already impacted. You all deserve a much better life than this. Who owns the house? I’m so pleased you have your own money! I would get some legal advice and consider leaving and let him fight you for custody. The kids are at an age where their opinions and feelings count for where they live.

Would dh go and see about possible adhd or autism assessment

You’re on the wrong thread.

To be perfectly frank he was probably already too old and set in his ways to become a dad. I had my kids in my early 40s so I’m not saying it to be rude, but his personslity is a disaster as an older parent to young children.

He is doing an appalling job of parenting.

I have read most of your replies to others and I’m afraid it isn’t just a case of him being controlling or pedantic - he is a bully.
Bully’s are abusive in any relationship and I don’t mean with just you.
Unfortunately It’s now at a stage where you are putting your children through what you went through as a child.
They are witnessing his horrible behaviour and will be influenced either by your behaviour towards him or his behaviour towards you.
What happens when you say ‘No’ to him or stand up to him?
Is he ever physically abusive with you or the children??
Does he ever apologise?
Have you ever told him he needs to sort his attitude out? (He can’t be happy living like that) Or, tell him he needs to see someone about his behaviour.
Do you realise that abuse is not just physical? Keep a record of each and every incident, no matter how little, and pay a visit to women’s aid centre just to get advice or even support.
Get legal documents sorted with a solicitor incase he takes things a different way than you do. You don’t seem to want to leave him so you need to play smarter and have things in writing or observed/witnessed by others.
I was you a few years ago.
Why does he only work 1-2 days a week? If you mention it does his ego suffer??
I also paid a visit to my local police station to chat and inform them of what was going on (I hadn’t left him at this stage) but the police red flagged my address meaning they would be straight out if a call came in. X

You know your husband probably has Autism and ADHD as well? He's been masking his whole life, was fine in his own space and now that space contains children who he can't control. You need to support your son but suggest you need to find support/counselling for you and your husband too, to help understand how you both see the culture and behaviours in the home.

It’s the number one phrase from an abusive man “if you leave I’ll take the kids 50%” ..

That’s awful not to let the children talk at mealtimes. Chat at mealtimes is one of the best times for family time. He is controlling and abusive, and this will damage your children. You need to get yourself and the kids away from him.

Jesus. So because he has SEN you would rather him continue living in an abusive household than go through a change that will make his life 100% times better?!? This is wild.

Your children have had to endure an abusive home for a lot of their childhood. You know full well as a parent that is not ok and you need to get rid of him. It doesn’t matter what HE wants, stop letting him tell you, the kids won’t want to go to him for 50% of the time, you know this surely if you know your kids?! They are older and can decide as well!!!! A lot of solicitors offer 30 minutes free, there’s so much you could be doing for yourself and your children. Please stop trying to make excuses and normalise his behaviour. This is just as bad as physical abuse. As someone who works in Children’s Services, the short and long term damage that is being done to them is awful..

Take it from one who sadly knows, this behaviour will escalate, it will damage your children and ultimately destroy you.

Please, please get legal advice and begin getting your ducks in a row.

I really wish I’d posted what was going on with me and with hindsight I know exactly what I’d have been told.

It is such a horrible situation to be in and I totally understand how hard it is to consider rocking the boat but there is a life on the other side and it’s a considerably happier and less stressful one.

What the hell?? Why are you letting him bully and abuse your babies?! The fact they are older as well is shocking, how have you sat back for 10 years and accepted this? Your poor children.. your 10 year old sounds like he has had no childhood and he only has a few years left of it.