AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

Contact domestic violence support like refuge and ask for advice. This is very controlling behaviour- whether due to narcissistic tendencies or potentially (at a stretch undiagnosed MH / ASD) but either way it’s abusive. Please contact DV for advice before telling him to F off like the other replies suggest xxx

Agree that behaviour is controlling and unreasonable. Your husband sounds autistic or depressed, which may exacerbate /manifest as obsessive compulsive traits.Whatever is going on meaningful discussions about change will be challenging. Is it safe and healthy to stay? Do you love him? What are his strengths and qualities? Any significant context? .

Pedantic or a controlling bastard?

Honestly this 100%.
I know you think you are protecting your children right now, but this is damaging their self worth in so many ways, and it is setting an example for them of the kind of treatment you believe is acceptable from a spouse. Also you might think you are hiding things from them and protecting them but it is incredible what children quietly see and absorb without you realising. Do you want to see them make those kind of choices later on down the line in their own relationships and friendships? Because this is what they are being shown is normal and acceptable behaviour towards those that you are meant to love most in the world.
What happens when they get older and start asserting their own independence and needs more? What happens if they want to make choices your husband doesn't like or agree with? Can you see him giving them the space and support they will need to build their own paths in life? Children have walked out of home and never looked back for situations with overly controlling parent/s. Be careful of how you want your future relationships with your children to be as well as how things are now, you need to look ahead too.
Also is there any possibility your youngest child might thrive more if you are not all collectively treading on eggshells at home. It means home is not really their safe space.
If you were to separate/divorce wouldn't controlling behaviour be taken into account when working out arrangements for your children, and also their own preferences as they are old enough to say what they would like?

Your child's ND came from somewhere. I suspect your DH's rigidity is partly based in that. However, that is no excuse for your children to have to suffer at his hands. What happens when they become teenagers and say no to him, or start to push back, or do things that cause him anxiety? It will happen. If it's anything like my father's reaction to these things, they will never forget it. Oh, and I hold my mother responsible for not protecting us from it by leaving. Yes, it was that bad and I vowed that my own children would never have to live with that sort of thing.

The barking us at during the news if we made the slightest sound was established pretty young. My mother got my father to start watching the later news instead, which worked out, but I still remember.

Contact a support service such as women's aid or the council domestic abuse hub ...... you need to be out of the relationship for the sake of yourself and your children.
I fled domestic abuse with 12yo and 9yo who are both ASD and ADHD. They found the change tricky but were happier being in a situation that wasnt always us walking on eggshells, afraid and sad. In fact within a year both had asked why we had stayed with dad so long.

This is hypocrisy not pedentry. It's dreadful parenting behaviour on his part to discourage children from chatting at meal times. He should turn the radio and TV off and use meal times to ask them about their day/school/ activity . He can always use cath up to listen to radio/ watch TV programmes later . He will regret this we hen your children become surly disengaged teenagers.

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

This is a time for everyone in the family to get a chance to talk to each other.

My DH is very paticular about dishwasher loading, hanging up washing in the "right" way on a clothes dryer, nags the DC (aged 8 and 6) to tidy up and shouts if they don't, and is particularly shouty when WFH and then they argue too much.

He knows he's pretty OCD/anal about so much stuff, but he's always been like this since I've known him (nearly 20 years ago!). So, solidarity OP, but your DH sounds like the next level up.

I suspect my DH is probaby autistic and I know everything is attributed to this these days, but i actually think he probably is.

Sending hugs, it's tiring to live with at times.

Would he respond to calm discussion and agree to things if brought up in advance at a different time? For example, could you tell him that you understand listening to the tv/radio at mealtimes are things he enjoys but it’s difficult for the rest of you to eat in silence. Could you agree to a compromise? Either certain days it is switched off, or he/you all eat somewhere else or whatever works? With the sweets, could you find out what exactly is his concern. Is it about the impact of sugar on teeth? Is it the hyperactivity they may bring? Something else? The driving behaviour with overtaking needs to stop. Again, a discussion whilst not in the car would be best. My first thought on reading your post was OCD tendencies but nothing was said about intrusive thoughts. He definitely sounds neurodiverse though. If so, a good thing there is there’s probably a particular reason for each behaviour (not just being a d*ck) and if you can both puzzle out the reason, you will be able to see the edges and work around it together.

The only problem is that you are still with this abusive and controlling man. Leave.

Seeing your mum be abused and being abused is far worse for kids than the short term downsides of a divorce.

Perhaps it's time to put them in a new school far, far away...

It sounds to me that he has PDA traits of autism which would explain (not excuse) his behaviour with regards to control.
He sounds like he possibly has OCD with regards to his particularity over certain things as well.
And definatley sounds overstimulated by family life..
Sorry you're going through this, fully ND household, I'm married to a PDAer and have 3 PDA kids as well and it's a challenge.

Could you perhaps just speak to a solicitor with regards to your rights on this one? So that you know if things get too much what you can do with regards to contact and finances.? You can often get free advice. Or speak to an organisation like womens aid, just for advice because it is abuse and even if you're not ready now, there may be a time when you need to leave.
Remember your happiness matters too in all of this.
Staying for your son or worrying about it destroying your partner isn't going to end well for you.. Can you imagine spending the rest of your days dealing with this? .

He's behaving like this, in front of your kids so what example is it setting them? How is constantly being told to shut up effecting them? Especially your ND child who may be extra sensitive to rejection?
Trust me, I was told to shut up, that I was going to be put in a home, that I was stupid, amongst other things and can't ever remember feeling 'safe' as a child and I've carried that into adulthood with me, having very few happy memories of growing up and that's really sad.

I absolutley understand your fear of how to move forward with this but please start to think about getting your ducks in a row, for the sake of you and your kids.

He is seriously abusive.

Making the children sit silently during meals is awful. Meals are meant to be for conversations. It’s a horrible behaviour from him.

I meant they’re all awful but that’s absolutely shocking.

Making you do the laundry at night seems cruel too - presumably this interferes with you getting enough sleep?

Your DH sounds like he is definitely autistic.
That doesn't exclude his behaviour, but it does perhaps explain it. Understand that at the moment you don't want to consider divorce, but clearly you need to make him understand the impact of his behaviour. Dealing with plenty of autistic people (and more than likely being undiagnosed myself), I can guarantee that something like an ultimatum is probably going to make everything 10x worse. If he wasn't this bad before, is it possible he is in burnout? Have a read up on autistic burnout and see if any of it sounds familiar.
I haven't read all the comments, but I'm probably going to go against what everyone else is telling you here... I think you need to handle this gently, sensitively and basically baby him.

Have you ever just told him to shut up and fuck off ? He's an abusive wanker .

The first point, where nobody can speak at mealtimes so he can listen to the radio is enough for me to see there is something very wrong. This is NOT normal or ok for your family. Meals are a time of connection, not complete control.

Why on earth are you with this weapons-grade bellend?

With all due respect what are you teaching you're children. To put up with someone you don't love or respect. Sort a divorce out and don't use your sons adhd as an excuse to stay thats nonsense.

Go and see a lawyer and find out your possibilities. I would think a court would take a very poor view of him trying to force his way into the house and claiming it as his when it's the children's home and your child with SEN requires consistency of abode. Secondly, don't assume all change is bad for your child with SEN. How tense is OH making the family? How much better might life be for you and the other children without OH and would that new ambience benefit all of you? Would your OHbe likely to achieve 50% custody given his behaviour? Could he afford to fight for it if he only works 2 days a month? You seem to have persuaded yourself you can't do much about this situation but it sounds like an utterly exasperating and joyless experience. In the interim, feed yourself and the children separately and let the black hole of misery fend for himself.

That’s disgusting. He sounds incredibly militant and controlling. The specific example of insisting the TV/radio are on at mealtimes is also very bad for children.

If your son has ADHD snd SEN then you owe it to him to get away from his father. Why? Because if you don’t he will never grow up to be the successful, functioning, man you would like. He will end up emulating his father as that eill be his normal male role model. He will expect to dominate and control the eomen in his life. He will learn to be inflexible and to rely on rigid, sngry, outbursts to control those around him.

You owe it to your children to get them away from living under the shadow of this man. A few years of stress snd “I don’t like change” from your don are a very small price to pay to gift your children a world of freedom. And when you show your son that you prize his freedom and that as s family you can get through the upheaval of s separation you are also fostering resilience and building your son’s capacity for courage and energy. If you are not afraid of change he can learn not to be afraid too. Do hard things for your children. They will thank you for it.

Nope… as a man I’m telling you that he is being a dick!! He is also a controlling narcissist and I would be very careful as he will get worse

This sounds like behaviour you would have known about before getting married and having kids no? Because i disagree with all the 'he sounds like a dick' responses. To me he sounds like he has some form of OCD / autism and would recommend you talking to him about it and him getting help / diagnosed. I know it's super late in his life but assuming you loved him for one reason or another at one point despite this and maybe having kids has elevated his symptoms and your awareness of it. My husband has certainly got a form of autism (undiagnosed) and he masks it very well but he has quite low tolerance for things like our 3 year old singing wildly out of tune! He winces and I know he should just enjoy it as much as I do...but he is very affected by noise and unable to filter out conflicting sounds but he's good at masking so he's not telling her to be quiet
He just suffers through thankfully!

@InternationalwomendayheadquartersPS I agree like other posters that your DH screams autistic also.