AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

Your family life will get A LOT worse through the teen years. This is not healthy, sustainable or tolerable. You need to sit him down and tell him you need agency in your own life and so do the kids or the family will have to break up. You need to match his energy on the "non-negotiables" except yours won't be harmful bs. Sounds like his Dad sees eye to eye with you? That may help. He needs to be diagnosed/ therapy/ whatever but failing that, I hope you find the confidence and resilience to put an end to this damaging situation.

Omfg he sounds like my father growing up it's not pedantic it's a controlling bully..
We weren't allowed to talk at meal times
Weren't allowed to speak to him when he came home from work
Weren't allowed to kiss the dog!! ...yes I know this one is hard to believe!
If my mum,me and sister were laughing and having funny,he told up to shut up,latterly when my mother was dying we were laughing and joking,he told us to shut up he didn't want to hear it,I told him to shut up and fuck off into another room if he didn't like it,we weren't going to stop, and he did.
These are just a few examples, I could bore u with 100s more. Thankfully we're estranged from him now,I haven't seen him for 15 years,don't know if he's still alive.
Please please get rid of your arsehole husband, don't put your kids through what we grew up with. X

He’s controlling. It’s an abusive relationship and staying with him will do more damage to your kids then divorce

no one wants to get divorced. I didn’t but ex is a drinker and I had to say no more to protect my dd

why does he work 1-2 days a month v you fulltime

you don’t have a joint account as you are right he would drain it - so would my ex and why we didn’t have one either

you can not live like this for another 10yrs + till adults /late teens

I understand where you're coming from OP but I grew up in a house like that with a 'd'F who did this and was also far worse. My DM enabled him and never questioned his awful behaviour and as a consequence I dislike them both for those different reasons. Yes, it'll be hard to consider separating but please, can you at least think about it...he sounds like a nasty bully. 😕

What advice are you giving the OP? Just because you have normalised your husband's abuse of you and your dd, why would you advocate it for OP and hers?
Your husbands suspected autism does not give him an excuse to abuse. No one should be sacrificing their own mental and physical wellbeing and that of their children, just because someone shows 'traits of ASD'.
Tired of seeing it as an excuse on here.

Have you thought of ringing Womens Aid @Internationalwomendayheadquarters ? Or even contacting Rights of Women for any advice on how to get out of this relationship?

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters you need to stand up for your children. And yourself.

If he shouts at them to be quiet when they're having a meal discussion then tell him NO. "They're just talking which is normal at the meal table so you're being unfair. If you want to eat in silence I suggest you go elsewhere".

As for his driving then I wouldn't let him drive.

Why doesn't he work more than a couple of days a month?

You need to tell him some home truths. Tell him he is sucking the joy out of life.

Ok I’ve read your update and I understand why you are reluctant to leave. Autism and adhd don’t allow him to behave like this Scot free. If you stood up for yourself would he be violent towards you? I understand why you would want him to have your children alone if you split this is a worry for many women and why they stay in relationships for so long and I don’t have any answers other than try to make it as tolerable as possible for the children until you’re in a position to leave.
You aren’t responsible for him

He’s not pedantic as others have said he’s abusive and controlling.

I don't understand posts like this. It seems like a cry for help and advice from others yet anything anyone suggests is always batted off "oh no can't do that because XYZ" "that's not a option" "that isn't do-able" what exactly do you want or need??

You said your son is autistic with ADHD, it can be passed on from a parent and it seems your husband is more autistic than anything else:
He is set in his ways
Rigid thinking
Can't bare noise (that's why he wants quiet at the table)
It's his way or it's the wrong way and no in-between as he cannot see other peoples points of view
He is having meltdowns due to normal every day occurrences.

You need to get him tested for it. If anything maybe even sectioned. Either way this behaviour is not pedantic, it's controlling and abusive and seen as you're hell bent on staying you have to get him seen to my some kind of professional. Your boys will be seeing all this and it will have huge impact on them later in life.

Your examples are not what pedantic mean. He’s a controlling aggressive bully but I think also he may be pedantic in your everyday life which is why you’ve described him like that.
You can’t carry on like this for yourself and you have an obligation to your children to not let them live like this.
Start changing yourself rather than focussing on what your husband is doing and why he’s doing it. The only thing you need to know is that he is doing it and you can’t tolerate it so start either standing up for your children or get out of there.

Pedantry isn’t ruining the lives of those around you.

The whole vibe of this post is of an incredibly irate man controlling his household with little or no push back. How did it get to this point and can you see a future that’s joyful?

Sorry to be pedantic but he is not pedantic. He is a controlling bully. Please go to a solicitor and get some advice. Neither of you are being a good role model to your children. You need to start planning your escape.

Go and speak to a divorce lawyer OP. You don't need to act on it straight away but it might give you some clarity about what your future will look like without this complete arse in your life.

As opposed to the damage your husband is doing now to both of your children? He is abusing you and your children.
You need to keep a diary of every incident, contact Women's Aid for support and start planning your exit. You owe it yourself and your children. Do you really think he would get 50/50 if his controlling and abusive behaviour is recorded? Time to start planning and take action.

Has he been to the GP - ssris might help him chill a bit?

How do you live with it ?
You don’t.
You stand up for yourself and your children.

‘If you want to listen to the tv or radio when we are eating dinner, go somewhere else to eat, but while the children and I are all round the table we will be talking together as we eat, not remaining silent. Your demand is not normal and is detrimental to the children and our family life ’

‘The children want to go to macdonalds so I will be taking them this holiday to experience it and letting them compare the burgers to our normal home made burgers. We will do a taste test and they can learn how to make their own. And how to develop their own views on fast food. Your insistence that they shouldn’t ever go there is unreasonable, unhelpful, and only makes it more attractive to them.’

’while I am driving and in control of the car, it’s dangerous for you to keep telling me what to do as if I’m a learner driver. Please stop interfering with my driving or get out of the car’

‘If you insist in speeding and tailgating, we will no longer be your passengers as your driving is a risk to our safety’

‘ I will no longer be running the washing machine in the night. You are wrong to insist on it as it’s a fire risk and it disturbs my routine/sleep. Now we have solar panels, it’s best to run it during daylight hours so please stop trying to control me’

Please, I beg of you, pack your bags and take your children away from this level of control. Meal times should be for families to come together to discuss their day. With regards to the sweets, I was brought up in a restrictive, authoritarian household. I had body dysmorphia, an eating disorder then a life time of poor relationships with food. I would secretly eat the food I wasn't allowed and then feel immense shame afterwards.

The children can't leave, only you can. Please make the right decision for them. At the very least insist on couples counselling

Surely it’s better for your kids to at least spend 50% of the time not like this. This is no life. And they’ll end up blaming you for not doing anything about it. You all have more to lose by staying.

Why do you do the laundry when he barely works (to bring in cash) and then you let him dictate when it is done?

Why don’t you suggest two eating areas, one for talkers one for news listeners?

He is one of those sad men, and yes I would say this to his face, who thinks he is king of the world ego but actually can only exert control over you, kids and house, and he only does that because you let him.

I wouldn’t do it whilst driving but I would point out his aggressive driving is clearly trying to make up for his micro-penis, macho display of big dick energy, such a guy, well done babe.

Or if you can’t be as confrontational as that I would go down the psychological warfare route, by using decent role models and swoon over them effectively. For example how George Clooney and Amal talk about human rights over dinner and how George married up! I would be swooning and praising traits and individuals who are the exact opposite to him.

When driving and a knob who needs to get past regardless of safety our car says “micropenis” or “big dick energy eh” - occasionally we see amazing driving on the road, safe, caring for those around (think hazard lights as soon as they see a blockage ahead to help slow down those behind) and we swoon over that. “Amazing driving blue (we name cars according to colour)”

We read the weekend papers and if you look there are usually stories of wonderful people, we do this for the kids as role models and examples that counteract what can be described as toxic masculinity, which is what your H is displaying, praising their good ideas and engagement or drive to make the world a little bit better or to give back not just take.

Or how some men are not toxic.

There are ways to express your dislike indirectly, you might have to be prepared to have a stand up row and not back down from time to time but it gets easier.

How about friends? Does he have any? Any you can talk to?

All this might of course be a gamble and he goes nuclear and you split up, would that be a bad thing? You say he would want the kids 50/50 but once they get to 12 they can have independent input and their preferences have to be taken into accommodation.

Basically I would continuously ruffle his ego feathers, if you can’t leave, he would be under no delusion that I found his controlling prick energy attractive, he wouldn’t be getting any sex, I would sigh, roll my eyes, yawn (no one likes to be thought as boring yawning and saying yes yes I know boring barking orders alert yes m’lord), use sarcasm, humour and generally just ignore him and do what I felt was right regardless.

As you say he sucks the joy out of life, I hope you tell him that, and childhood is so very short for it to be devoid of joy is a waste.

Before talking with him, get your own legal advice. He won't get to keep the house because he won't budge, it will all be thrashed out via financial arrangements.

Just imagine the lovely family dinners you and the children will have, in your own home without this awful man.

Leave him to have his dinner with the radio on and take your kids for a Big Mac is my advice. Have one yourself and start thinking about how you can get out of being married to a controlling abusive wanker.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s not a keeper.

Your son will deal with a divorce a hell of a lot better than the next ten years living with an abusive father.

Least worst is a divorce. And you will get the house on the basis of financial input and the kids. If he breaks in....win, because then he is arrested and you get a non mol. There is an upside to their crazy, trust me. Basically, they take themselves down.

If you don’t leave him can you have dinner separately? What else do you protected your kids from? What would happen if you said no to the washing thing or ice cream?

My dad to a tee. He has either got a personality disorder, is a narcissist or is ND and has been undiagnosed his whole life. I suspect a combination. But he’s an absolute nightmare in all these ways. Obsessed with plastics recycling, full commentary when driving about everyone else, won’t waste anything at all and keeps all sorts of crap, will only do laundry when the sun is out and never at the same time as the electric shower, will only eat in certain places he’s comfortable with. YANBU - it’s tedious, controlling, boring and annoying. It’s also definitely not acceptable or normal to that degree. Get your children and you out of there.