AIBU to ask what more I can do for traumatised children?

Don't let your guilt stop you putting firm boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour. You can be loving and kind but still hold firm on what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. Hopefully the play therapy and input from SS will help. I have worked with teenagers who have grown up in domestic violence and unfortunately the cycle is often perpetrated if there hasn't been intervention at a young age. Your children are still little and you have time to turn this around, but it will take work.

You need to reestablish healthy boundaries.

Write it on a chart, pin it to the wall.

In this family we ..... 'Speak politely to each other', 'Manage our feelings', 'Take time out when we need it'

Start small, use positive framing and absolutely be consistent.

They need to relearn what it means to be in a family - it will need time.

Play therapy will help with this - as will family therapy.

It's going to be a long haul, make sure you have some support for yourself. You need to learn to do the same things as your children.

Thank you for getting your children out of the situation. Staying longer would have harmed them more.

Agreed. In DV cases, both parents have failed the children. The abusive parent for inflicting the abuse and the other parent for failing to protect the children.

I have very strong views on this as we suffered badly as children (severe emotional abuse), but I don’t want to derail the thread.

I haven’t forgiven either parent, and there’s a high chance your children may never forgive you so you must prepare for that.

Best of luck. It’s a fucking awful situation all round.

OP i think you're doing everything you can. And right now what they need is consistency from you. You say the older they get the harder it will be to undo, which would be true if you weren't doing anything about it now. But you are!
The therapy will be really beneficial to them but it's going to take time to see results.
You have to trust that the process will work, stick to your boundaries, be consistent, and hopefully you will gradually see change.

Really wishing all of you the best

You need to put your guilt aside.

That's what will lead to you accepting/excusing unacceptable behaviour. And it won't be helpful to them or society.

Get them the help they need. Love them, be consistent and understanding but don't let your guilt morph understanding into excusing over time.

Don't shoulder this blame alone OP.

You've both failed your children, not just you.

It'll take a long time for experts to unpick everything they've witnessed their whole lives, and to help them make sense of it and feel safe.

But one step at a time and hopefully you'll all get there.

This.

But also don't make them feel that their abusive behaviour of you or anyone else is ever okay.

There'll be lots of sympathy when they're this age. If they continue with this behaviour the sympathy wanes and by the time they're adults if they're still behaving in this way, no-one will really care that they had a hard time years ago, they will just be another abuser that society needs to be protected from.

why do you feel you’re failing them OP? It could be a long road to recovery but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. You don’t need to fix things for them. Be their safe place, access support for yourself whether that’s friends/professional. Have boundaries about behavioural expectations without being unfair/punitive.