AIBU to ask what more I can do for traumatised children?

Maybe you should take your own advice and move on from your ‘point’.

Did you say you're a teacher?

Bloody hell.

I am neither of those things. I am a fierce defender of children, especially the vulnerable, which is why I feel so strongly about the after effects for those who had no choice in their upbringing. If your children were in my school they would get all the love, care and support they need, but there would be natural staffroom discussions around why on earth this was allowed to go on for so long when the effects on your children are so abundantly clear.

Schools have to deal with the awful consequences and, as a result, I confess that I struggle with sympathy for the person who allowed it to happen as well as the perpetrator. I am saying to you the things I cannot say to parents. And you are hearing things you know are true but no one will say in real life precisely because we have the children’s best interests at heart and therefore need to support the people who ultimately failed them as well.

Some good advice in this thread but I would also add - for the love of god do not introduce a new DP, do not move one in, and do not have another baby. Prioritise your existing children. They need it.

Best of luck.

ENOUGH with the victim blaming of poor @CherryBerryBlossom. She feels crap already, (I am also a victim of DV so I know the guilt only too well), so she does not need randoms online telling her that she is to blame...she was a victim, she has got out as soon as she felt able to, and that's the end of it. It is not as easy as "just walk out", the abuse makes you unable to think clearly, you wonder if it is "just you over-reacting" as I'm sure her XH told her many times.

She needs, and deserves our support...all of you who are piling in telling her that she's not done well enough...you clearly, luckily for you, have no idea how DV works and how it affects your ability to function. And yes I am cross on this poor woman's behalf...fuming actually.

@CherryBerryBlossom gentle days that work for you all sound good, ditto being all in bed together - your warmth (physical and emotional) will help the kids to regulate their emotions and to feel safer. Do just enough so that the kids get tired but not worn out, and small treats like an ice cream at the end of each day reinforce good behaviour, not as bribes but in recognition of a great day had by all. It sounds like you have enough professional intervention organised, so no need for any more of that just now...just build happier times for all of you, one day at a time and try not to get derailed when the kids behave badly, let them know in calm but firm terms that that isn't how you want to behave to each other now, and then try and get back on track. For a long time I ended each day with a "thank you for a lovely day" with my DC after we got out...and very gradually, they helped me to build each day to be lovely, because they realised that they wanted it to be like that too.

In all of this, don't forget yourself - the cliche is that you can't pour from an empty cup, but it's true, so try and find something that helps you - a quiet half hour with a book or your fave programme, or even a massage or getting your hair cut. Or therapy of your own. Once you manage to get yourself a bit calmer, the kids' emotions will feed from that - you regulate the emotional temperature for all three of you.

The very best to you my dear girl, you have done so well getting out, I am proud of you xxxxxx

Yes OP, the best thing you can do for them right now is to help them feel safe and secure. Building resilience and independence come after that. Of course having an adult in charge and having boundaries and consequences also make children feel safe and secure so don't forget those. But they need to be things that can be implemented calmly - ie losing a small amount of NEXT WEEKS pocket money, or explaiing calmly that you will not be doing something until you are asked nicely.

Don't forget that it will be important to teach them how to handle and deal with things in an appropriate way so lots of reminders of what 'good behaviour' actually looks like, talking about how to handle difficult situations as they arise, how to handle conflict with other children etc. Reflecting back on things they do and discussing what could they do differently next time and why. It sounds like you're working hard to get this right OP, well done.

Don't be silly.

I'm being kind to the OP, not 'hammering' anything, but you appear to be inserting yourself here between us and making it into something it isn't.

Please move on to someone else's posts now.

Keep going OP, things will get there in time.

As an aside more is now being done to protect children from an abuse parent after the parents have split up.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-action-to-protect-children-from-abusive-parents

If there isn’t already a court order in place then you can legally withhold contact on safety grounds until the time your ex goes to court to get a court order and then the courts decide.

Try to parent on instinct. Not using scales, that’s not real life. Implement boundaries, be firm. Do NOT tolerate abuse from them. They will be angry at you, in their minds you did not protect them and mother is the primary attachment. Let go of the guilt, parenting on guilt is disastrous - it will stop you from being firm and the boss. Don’t rely too much on schools and outside services - usually tick boxes and half arsed fluffy measures.

Yes you’ve moved on and you feel guilty - but that’s only the beginning. Now you need to NOT TOLERATE abuse from your kids. Show them a different model. One where you are the boss, and you are worthy and deserving of basic respect and kindness- and then you will return that.

Naminf emotions can only do so much, it will not change the behaviours. The more they see you as kind, respectful and IN CONTROL, the more they will slowly start to feel secure in your parenting and motherhood.

That's great that school are aware of everything.

And yes the dependence is expected and it's ok!

If you think of how children generally develop (in the absence of trauma or other needs going on) - babies are completely dependent on you which we expect and accept, and they gradually learn that the world is safe and adults are predictable. As they grow they gradually take steps further out into the world (while returning regularly to their safe adult for check-ins and comfort if anything goes wrong). True, healthy independence emerges because they can trust that they're not only safe but they have somewhere to return to when they need it. Your kids are rebuilding their view of the world as being safe so you need to meet them where they're at - they're not as "far along" this process as other kids their age.

Now, think about how our emotional regulation develops. Again, babies are completely dependent on us to soothe them and comfort them (they cannot do it by themselves), toddlers start independently exploring the world a bit more but remain almost fully reliant on their safe adults to manage their big feelings - gradually over time, they learn healthy ways to express emotions and cope with big/scary feelings and events. This ability to self-regulate develops via thousands of incidents of co-regulation (a safe, calm adult being alongside them to calm them down and help them work through the big feeling and assert healthy behavioural boundaries). Again, your kids aren't as far along in this emotional regulation process as their peers are so they need you to meet them where they're at and give co-regulation support at an intense level, like you would with a younger child.

Step by step OP x

Again I think she does realise that. It’s in her opening post. Hammering her over the head with it won’t help the situation, the more guilt she feels the less likely she is to hold boundaries in place for her kids which is one thing she needs to do to stop repeating the behaviour. If you keep grinding someone down they will collapse and OPs kids don’t need that.

People have told her she bears some responsibility, she had already said she feels responsible, that bit has been secured so those attacking can relax and let her get the right information in order to get the support for her children she is seeking.

But she is taking responsibility? Have you read her posts? She is taking responsibility and is trying to do the right thing. Yes she stayed, now she has left and is trying to move on. How is that hiding behind ‘well done you’ve left’?

Implement some boundaries. They sound like they are screaming out for them. Don’t be weak, be strong.

Boundaries = safety and love. They need to feel secure, then need to know you are in charge.

Well done for getting out. Try to stop beating yourself up - you did what you could when you could. When you knew better, you did better. People can't live through what you went through and just do the "right things". It will improve for both you and your children.

There is lots of support out there for trauma-informed parenting. The group below does online courses and has various resources. I'm sure there are others if you search

facebook.com/groups/TIPtraumainformedparenting/

Agree completely. Op has repeatedly said how guilty she feels

How long ago did you leave? Change is unsettling for children and even non-traumatised kids can play up in the weeks / months following a separation and 'loss' of a parent, so don't be too hard on them or yourself. Show them consistency, boundaries, kindness, good conflict resolution. Children learn by copying, give them the best examples possible going forwards and trust that time will help them heal.

edit: point above taken, post too judgmental.