Care homes

I would move into my grandads care home tomorrow. He has his own self contained flat, meals either delivered or served in the dining room, they’ll pretty much make whatever you want if they have it and you can order in advance (or cook for yourself in your flat), there are activity stations filled with crosswords, jigsaw puzzle, board games and painting, then daily activities to drop into as you wish. They do scheduled runs to the local supermarket too.

But it’s £7k a month, so I couldn’t afford it anyway - but I’d pay more then that to be all inclusive in an equivalent resort so seems like a reasonable cost.

My DH lives in a care home, where my mum lived for several years before her death. Both have/had dementia, though mum started on residential. It's a lovely place. Beautifully clean, comfortable (less so in the recent heat!), freshly cooked food at every meal and wonderful staff who fill the place with warmth and laughter. I know there are lots of people who don't have good experiences but mine has been wholly positive.

Have you checked if there are service charges that still need to be paid regardless of having to move into a care home or death? These places are often a NIGHTMARE for relatives left to sort them out.

Warden assisted often also means someone there 9-5 5 days a week who doesn't provide much beyond the same level of support a friendly neighbour might.

If you are in the process of buying a retirement flat then maybe the way forward is to find a home that will take her for respite care until the flat is free. Alternatively, retirement accommodation usually has visitor accommodation - could that be rented so she gets to know the other people while waiting for her flat to be ready?

Depends on the home. Do lots of research and lots of visits, talk to residents, look at reviews. If the first thing you're aware of is the smell of piss, leave. My sister-in-law is in a care home because she is physically frail, it is a lovely place, small, friendly, spotlessly clean, run by an independent charitable trust. Her problem is that at 88, she is still mentally sharp, and none of the other 17 residents is, they are all confused/demented to some degree. So she only has staff and visitors to speak to, which is limiting for her, and we found this was the case with all the care homes we visited.
Are there any supported living complexes near her, which might be more appropriate?

We’ve recently had to deal with a similar move to a care home. Look into immediate needs annuities. I had no idea they existed but was recommended to us by financial adviser when selling mum’s house. It’s basically an insurance policy for a very large upfront sum that provides guaranteed care costs paid for the rest of their life with no worry about money running out and forcing a move. It involves large sums and will be calculated based on the person’s detailed medical information and discussions with the care home by the insurance companies. Only an option for elderly people with a property to sell or large amount of savings but for DSis and me the peace of mind is huge. It’s not a nice thought as essentially you are betting against the insurance company how long they will live (and we know they always ‘win’ in most cases) but removes that awful risk and worry about them running out of money if they defeat the calculated odds and live longer. I’m convinced mum will (as we all hope). The home we found for her is wonderful but very expensive and doesn’t accept council funding. With annuity in place we know she’s settled there for the rest of her life - and additionally that her funds beyond the cost of annuity are protected.

MIL is in care with general frailty. It’s not ideal but the peace of mind it has bought the whole family is priceless. No one was willing to be ‘on call’ for her muddling on and falling about at home and neither should they be.
No better use of her assets at this stage in life.

Had your parent had a care needs assessment? Is there any official agreement that a care home is the only option?

You ask what happens if her money runs out? If she is deemed not to need to be in a care home, the local authority can decline to fund her, in which case you are back to square one - minus a lot of money.

we had similar with FIL. He fell, was rather bashed and shaken, had also been not eating / drinking / taking meds correctly, and mil was in the process of dying at the time 😔. He ended up in hospital for a few days and when he came out all he could think of was moving into a home. He was horrified at the prospect of trying to look after himself at home alone.

But there was no way that social services would agree to fund him as he really didn’t need this. Even if we sold his flat he’d only have maybe 1.5 years of funding, and there was no guarantee that SS would agree to ongoing funding if they assessed him as not needing to be in a home.

DH and SIL stuck with it, got carers in, made some changes to his home, reassured him as best they could. 1.5 years on, he’s doing well at home with carers 3x a day - he’s well fed, taking his meds, has regular company - and he has absolutely no desire to move to a home. He doesn’t even remember his fall or the immediate aftermath. He took a long time to adjust to this, and looking back he was grieving the loss of MIL as well. But it has worked out well - for now anyway.

My advice would be to consider whether their needs would be best met in a care home or a nursing home.

@SuddenlyBecoming i work in a care home and I would try your best to keep them at home as long as possible. Not sure were you live but when they are short staffed it's basic care as they are rushing to get everyone done. Could you look into 24/7 living in care so they can stay at home and still have all care they need.

Although things like the difference in decor can sway you, think about what happens if the money runs out. My relative is in one which accepts local authority funded residents, with the NHS decor and all - but the staff are lovely, my relative is happy and, crucially, he doesn’t have to move when the funds run out as they inevitably will. So he has the security of knowing that the place he is happy in is his ‘home’ for good now.

Of course, if there’s enough money around for this not to be a worry, that’s great. Not the case for our family, sadly - we have to go with the battered furniture.

I've just looked up the supported living flat we looked at on houseprices.co.uk and it has sold. Bought in 2009 for £205k and was on the market for about that when we were looking in 2022. The price was on a par with similar properties. It sold for £152k in 2025.

My DM has just done a permanent move to a nursing home. It does seem really nice so far, costs ££££ but only ££ extra than live in care (though at the moment that is being kept on for DF).
Homes vary a lot. You will need at least 2 years fees and if likely to run out a discussion about what would happen.

Have you considered a private place for rehab for say a month to get her back on her feet?

Be prepared for the situation to change quickly. For us, the first fall lead to others, which lead to delirium and seemed to speed up dementia.

In the space of a few months we went from looking for a normal flat near to us, to a supported living flat, to care homes to the dementia floor.

FIL was happy in the home, but MIL never was. It was a beautiful place and she really liked the carers but couldn’t accept that she couldn’t do things for herself (or that FIL couldn’t do things for her anymore).

I would say to have a look around several homes until you find one that feels right. Strangely, price doesn’t seem to reflect quality in this scenario. Also, we found that the care homes that didn’t accept council funded residents weren’t that much more expensive, but were much nicer. The carers were lovely in both, but one had carpets, and the decor was like a high quality hotel (or your own home) and the other was like an NHS ward with lino floors, plastic covered easy chairs and battered furniture. The price difference was small £920 pw versus £1050 pw.

FWIW the supported living flat that we almost bought was still on the market 2 years later having been reduced by about 30% at the time.

Yes like another poster said be careful with the retirement flat. They often have exit fees when you want to sell, you still have to pay the service charge etc if the person is in hospital and they are very difficult to sell (due to above points).

I think it depends on the person. I had a relative that blossomed in a care home. All of a sudden she had a world of friends, bingo, card games and general entertainment. When we went to see her, she would rush off after 5 minutes because she was in the middle of a whist drive! Don't rule them out, they can provide a lovely community for the elderly if they suffer from loneliness. As well as piece of mind for them (and you!) that they are safe and under 24/7 care.

It doesn't always work out well, my gran hated it, but everyone is different. It's so difficult for you and them but try to keep an open mind.

I work in a nursing home OP. Without being too personal, what was the cause of the fall? Is it general frailty? I think that would influence what level of care I would think is appropriate

My Grandma had a temporary stay in a care home after a fall and then decided to stay there as she didn’t feel comfortable living alone and the carer visits were so unpredictable she found it stressful. She is very happy with her decision but it is very expensive as she is in decent health for her age so could be there a v long time. It is definitely an upmarket care home and I think she is the healthiest person in it.

We are in the process of buying them a retirement flat close to us which will mean we can literally be there in 2 minutes.

Without meaning to be nosy, is this just a nice normal flat which will suit a retired couple or is it a McCarthy & Stone or similar retirement flat which will become a massive millstone round your neck? 😬

I’m in the process of viewing local care homes, trying to arrange respite care for my husband who has dementia and a range of other issues. They vary enormously is terms of the quality of the accommodation, facilities etc, with some being genuinely lovely (think high end 4 star hotel standard) and others more basic/older etc.

I’m finding that decor and upholstery are less relevant than the standard of care provided, but the cost is pretty much the same across the board. Care is far more important than nice cushions!! Try to ask around for personal recommendations.

Costs range from £1450 to £1750 per week in this area (East Midlands). You may be able to get local authority support funding, but the application process is lengthy and intrusive. Some facilities will provide care for LA rates but these are not the best places! it’s unlikely that your LA will pay for the fancier places so do you sums and your homework. You may well still have to pay a top up to get better facilities.

However, I am finding that some of the “LA approved” places do get very good word of mouth recommendations from people who have placed relatives in them, even if they appear less well presented in terms of decor etc. Your LA social services should be able to provide a list of places which will accept their rates, but be prepared for them to be full with a waiting list.

Also, look at the Care Quality Commission web site and choose somewhere with a “Good” CQC rating. You can search by postcode.

My DH also has a fall alarm provided by the local authority (annual subscription - it’s not free) which is an excellent service, so worth looking into.

Good luck OP ….. it’s a tough journey.