AIBU to feel upset after my partner chose gaming over intimacy?

Perhaps there is a big gulf between the two, if putting on lingerie is an unusual thing for the woman to do.

This way of thinking is just so wrong. It’s so main character energy, all about you, self absorbed kinda stuff. Your partner is a human being with his own wants, not just a player in your life. He is allowed to not feel like having sex at any particular moment. So if you turn up in lingerie because you feel like sex, and he isn’t up for it at that moment, he is allowed to say no. To say you’ll never wear lingerie again in that case is unbelievably childish, insecure and petulant.
but also the op must be quite a few years in to her relationship, that’s different from the first few years of heady shag at every opportunity stuff.

Yikes @ "gender equality bullshit" - figures that the posters with the most batshit takes on this situation also have batshit takes on more important matters

Would you call a woman who was watching her favourite show and not in the mood for sex a "loser for prioritising her show over her relationship"?

and tea

There's a big gulf between dressing up in lingerie hoping that he'll like it and getting rejected and thinking, ok well I'm not doing that again and literally never having sex with him again.

That's not weaponising sex that's just thinking, yeah that didn't work for me, I didn't enjoy that, which we all have a right to do, surely.

If what happened to the OP happened to me, no I wouldn't dress up for him again. But I'm lucky I'm not with a loser who priorities gaming over his relationship.

Wow do people use the term tea as a compliment now. I’m getting old

I'd have started without him ...

Regardless of that, it is still saying ‘I want sex and I want it now and I want you to compliment me’ to someone who you know has just started their down time! It isn’t fair and it’s huge double standards.

My husband would have come upstairs but in his head he’d probably be thinking I was in the middle of something and wanted to carry on with that - but we’ve been together nearly 30 years and are in our 50s so he would know he’d need to come upstairs because he should take what he gets nowadays.
But my husband doesn’t game so that’s not a consideration, i dont know a lot about gaming but if you do and know that he can’t stop a game when he’s started then in that scenario you could have said when you’ve finished I’ll be waiting and let him see what is waiting for him

Oh. My. Goodness. That you can’t see the double standards in what you are saying is staggering. The op wanted sex. She put on underwear as a visual message to her husband that she wanted sex. This is the EXACT same as the husband walking in to wherever she is and asking for sex, and then getting sulky that she didn’t immediately jump up. I don’t always want sex - is that not allowed? Do I have to always say yes if a bloke puts on his best boxers?

Maybe I'm in a relationship where I actually like my partner, I like having sex with him

Doesn't sound like it, tbh, considering you also say you’d ’never dress up for him again’ if he didn’t respond the way you wanted and perform on demand. You also say you suspect the OP’s partner ‘will never get that lucky again’, suggesting that you think it’s ok to withdraw and never initiate sex again just because the partner wasn’t immediately responsive the way the woman wanted. Weaponising sex in a relationship is never a good look and not something people who like, love and respect their partners do.

Yikes. You’re exhibiting a very ossified point of view there; but tell us, if the chap initiates the smooching as you prescribe, will he rear back in horror should the lady respond with enthusiasm or abandon? Or should she lie still until he has finished?

She wasn't rebuffed though was she. He had said "let me finish the match and I will come". He said yes, but just didn't drop everything.

Nothing to feel devastated about!

I don't think gender equality is bullshit, and it's not for men to lead on 'intimacy'. That should be equal too. Do you really think women shouldn't initiate sex?

Every single one of you knows that if you made the effort to get vulnerable enough to put on lingerie and initiate sex and you were rebuffed in this way, that you would feel devastated about it. And you would probably never do it again, which is what I suspect will happen here. For all the gender equality bullshit in the world you all know that it is the male partners role to lead on intimacy and when this doesn't happen big big problems follow in the relationship.

It's not about "treating her like crystal", it's that she hoped for something normal, to feel desired and complimented by her partner. That's not a fragile woman thing, that's just a human thing, everyone wants that once in a while. She said herself it wasn't really about the sex, it was about that moment landing wrong and her feeling a bit foolish and let down. That's a perfectly normal disappointment, not some oversensitive reaction.
Most of the responses on here have been pretty mean and dismissive tbh, picking apart her wording or telling her TikTok isn't real like she doesn't already know that (because apparently no one else has ever been influenced by something they saw online 🙄).
I think two things can be true here. Her feelings were valid, and he wasn't being especially unreasonable, just a bit out of touch with what she needed in that moment.

Haha so putting lingerie on is now manipulating the poor chap!

I don't know... Maybe I'm in a relationship where I actually like my partner, I like having sex with him, I want us to be happy and get along well. So if I saw he'd made a special effort, yes we'd be very likely to have sex unless there was a special reason, like being ill.

If he'd gone to loads of effort but I can't be bothered to look up from my game, I think he'd be rightly offended.

You make women sound needy and pathetric

So if a man cooks a nice dinner, has a shave/trims his beard and puts his best pants on, his wife/partner should be obligated to have sex because he made more of an effort?

No one owes anybody sex based on how much effort they put into manipulating seducing them

This. I think people think all men will jump up as soon as they see lingerie but if the shoe was on the other foot it just wouldn’t happen like that. The lack of compliments would upset me but I would probably have let him finish his game!

It's not because choosing, buying and putting on lingerie (I expect she also did her hair and make up etc) is a bit more conscious effort then thinking a naughty thought and some blood flooding in to your penis. It's meant to be something special.

OP, I get it, this is just the usual Mumsnet lacking in any kind of nuance. If that happened to me I'd never dress up for my partner again.

This

Sorry op I’m torn- I get it but had I been working, reading, texting- I’d have said just give me a few, honestly I’ll just be a few. But on the other hand I’d probably have been irritated or upset had he done it to me

This is not the same as a bloke coming up to her with a hard on and expecting sex immediately.

It's exactly the same.

Oh, give over.

He's a human being. He doesn't have to drop everything to service his wife when he isn't in the mood simply because she walks into the room in her knickers.