AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

Just for the record I’m 63 so one of the oldies who apparently think it’s ok to just turn up at people’s doors. Only us oldies don’t actually do that, none of my friends or family would do that, yes even the ancient ones.

I don't see how you can say it typical, I have never done it, would never do it and neither does anyone I know unless they are really really longstanding friends and have been told to. Everyone I know keeps their garden entrances locked unless there is a reason to leave it open, eg gsrdener day or window cleaner day.

The age gap doesn't necessarily matter if he's otherwise the right man for you.
Turning up unannounced doesn't necessarily matter - unless you've told him not to.

Ordering your food is patronising and controlling.
Referring to his toxic ex is childish and suggests he hasn't moved on.
But the real deal breaker for me is his no contact with his DC.
Enough 🚩🚩🚩 to deck out Stalin's birthday party.

@PrettyLittleRose How people carry themselves is a key metric in how they are perceived. Upright posture, bounce in the step, well groomed, greys deleted, well put together outfits on slim, athletic and toned frames. They exist - you just haven't knowingly met one yet.

After 6 weeks he is not your partner. He is someone you are getting to know.

Yes.
I'm only viewing it from the 'yuk' factor perhaps.
I mean it's obviously not inappropriate in a creepy way but yes there is the becoming a carer aspect.
That's a different issue and I hear what you're saying.
I suppose if you like someone enough you'd take the chance of them being healthy and not needing a carer but your point is valid.

What else can he do but let himself in? He can go away!

Like a postman, delivery driver, window cleaner? Do people really keep their gardens locked? How do those who need to get to the house do so?

I wouldn’t be happy with unannounced visits, but that’s a general need for privacy and the right to be on my own. Someone entering the garden isn’t in itself an odd thing to do, though - how do you get anything done when you are out/at work if the place is like Fort Knox?

FWIW, if you like him I would tell him you’d prefer arranged meetings to ‘surprise’ ones, and if he still does it I would dump him. It’s more than possible that he doesn’t realise he’s crossing a line though. Have you been to his house?

This is not age related behaviour, I am older than your boyfriend and I would never just turn up. Make your house secure and then end it. My sense is he may not be very accepting of you ending it and may seek to persuade you to continue dating him. Forewarned is forearmed.

Get rid of the wrinkly old cock lodger ffs

I voted YABU by accident when scrolling - sorry OP! This sounds like something my dad would do... I'm your age and he's late 60s. He is incredibly entitled when it comes to women. Maybe I'm projecting, but his behaviour coupled with the fact that he talks about his ex and daughter like this makes me think he is likely to be a chauvinistic narcissist. I would be prepared for him to belittle you and shift any blame when you raise this with him. If he doesn't acknowledge and respect your wishes, definitely red flag and end things sooner rather than later.

aarrghh nooo! I cannot think of anything worse. Even close family don’t just drop in. My home is my sanctuary, if you want to come there you need to arrange that. Huge red flag for me and would definitely dump him.

I agree that 42 to 62 is kind of ok now, but 62 to 82 is not. You would be throwing your early old age away on caring for someone in their late old age.

Seriously? It's obviously up to you who you date but I would not consider a woman of 49 dating a man of say 62 as 'insane' at all.
I don't think many people would to be honest.

They're both well into middle age at that point.

Edited for typos. Message is the same.

I don’t agree with the ‘it’s what that age group did/do’, because I am of that age group and wouldn’t dream of it.

But it would seriously piss me off; it seems like entitlement on his part; and he’s too old for you. I know this, I am married to a man in his sixties ( joking, sort of)

Yep soon he'll be deciding where they will be living together and what OP will be cooking for him every night while she works and he enjoys his retirement.

Get rid and then do some work to figure out why you got taken in by this kind of shit in the first place, so that it doesnt happen again.

I think he is taking too much for granted by turning up without phoning first. That is rude, he surely wasn't 'just passing/. However you must tell him it's not on and find out why he did it. It smacks of him thinking you may be entertaining someone else and feels insecure - or he could just be cheeky.

Ask him what he means by 'toxic ex'. She is the mother of his child so couldn't have always been toxic. I'd want to know why he doesn't see his daughter.

On the other hand you could just end it now before you are too involved. Personally I would be wary but intrigued.

Good luck.

For reference, you are never unreasonable to break things off with someone if the vibes are off. You don't owe people anything.

I have a new relationship and he would never dream of showing up unannounced. Not ever.

This age gap is also insane. I’m 49 and I wouldn’t date someone in their 60s.

One “toxic” ex by itself isn’t a deal breaker, but throw in an estranged daughter and all the rest and I’m afraid it’s curtains.

Yeah once you get to 42, 62 is not a giant age gap like it would be if you're 17 and he's 37.

I think it indicates a mindset who thinks ageing is a linear progression.

Yes I mean I would (hopefully) be able to gauge where we're "at" in the relationship to know if it felt appropriate or not....plus I'd probably be doing a lot of making my presence known with calling out before I got in the garden.....but yes I can obviously see how it could be seen as CFery and would deffo want to be groomed myself.

DP is 61 and looks much younger, works out and trains a lot and pays careful attention to his nutrition and self-care, very lucky with skin, teeth and hair etc. Handsome man and gets attention from women as he's charming and funny. But there's no denying the real wear and tear of the years, and there are definitely 'structural' things like age-related 'aches and pains' that give his age away. At 42, I would give it a hard swerve!

Also, a man who makes unannounced visits is all about gaining access and it doesn't stop -he'll be inserting himself into areas of your life where he has no business to be and because you'll be worn down and no longer sure about what's reasonable, it'll be hard to hold your own boundaries.

And toxic ex and NC adult DD? He's not a keeper. Imagine what would have had to have passed between you and your DDad for you to go NC.

Okay, Brad Pitt is 62, I wouldn't put him on the 'don't date' list.

Let's assume for a moment that this guy is just misunderstood (just for a moment).

I'm 62, my DH is 64 (I don't care if I'm being ageist). We've been married nearly 40 years, hope to stay that way for some time yet, but he is starting to have some minor health issues. I'm now really having to be quite pushy with getting him to take better care of himself. I've always assumed we would have a long and active retirement (not that any of us can really plan these things).

These minor health issues my DH has have meant that I'm suddenly really noticing older men and the health issues that come with age for all of us eventually. It's frightening at times, really starting to see what could be ahead for any of us. But, after such a long marriage, it will be a case of in sickness and in health.

But, apply this to your new man and a 20 year age gap when you are 62 and he is 82. He may look young now, but the likelihood is that you will become his carer. In your 60s you won't be travelling the world and dancing your cares away, you'll be dealing with a slowing of life, a decline in mobility and quite possibly far more.

Now, if this guy does look like Brad Pitt (or whoever you fancy) and seems perfect in every way, you may well decide it's a risk worth taking. But, he's not, the meal ordering, a toxic ex and a daughter who doesn't speak to him are very big red flags. Do you really want to risk taking this guy on? Even if he seems good for his ages now, he's got plenty of obvious faults. Throw him back and find someone who is more suited to you.

End it. If he was a a keeper you would want to see him all the time and this probably wouldn't bother you.