AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

It's not typical among any of my contemporaries and I'm 68. My dad, who would be 95, would do this, as would their neighbours.

I'm sorry, I don't follow

Agree - most of us have ring type doorbells that notify us in the garden that someone is st the door - and if not, you text. But really, I would never drop in even to a good friend without texting to see if they are in and open to having a visit. I know we did that 50 years ago when I was a kid, but we’ve not done it for more than 20 years now.

and yes, he is too old…

It is not moot, because looking 40 (which I highly doubt) isn't the same as actually being 40.

Nonsense, it is not normal for 60 year old to turn up at someones house unannounced 6 weeks into DATING. A friends house, sure, but not dating.

Im not sure why you mentioned teenagers, was it to try and imply OP is acting like a teenager for not being thrilled at this mans overstep?

62?! Wtf. Even if he’s the best guy in the world you need to ditch him if you’re looking for something long-lasting.

A few good years with him at best, and then you’ll be managing his mental and physical decline before becoming his full-on carer. Not at your age. Not with no existing commitment to him. No no no no.

Same here! Admittedly we’d been chatting online for 6 weeks due to Covid lockdown but the week after our first date he came to mine! I’ve always loved it when we were dating and DH turned up to surprise me! Admittedly he had to knock on the door to get in as there’s no side entry!

I’m not one for generally liking people turning up but in our case this was a man I cared greatly about and loved spending time with.

However if you’re uncomfortable with him just turning up then you need to speak to him.

I don’t think, nor did I say, the age gap between 49 and 62 is insane (but it would be my personal preference not to as I don’t want to be late 50s and dating someone in their 70s). I DO think a 20 year age gap is insane though. I’m not saying there won’t be plenty of anecdotal evidence of people who know couples with that age gap that work perfectly well. But I would absolutely not want to be 60 and with a man who is 80. This, to me, is insane.

Tbh, I think the popping in without an invite could be a generational thing. My mum and her mates would just pop by and if they don't get an answer on the door just go round the back.

As for the toxic ex wife, we have no idea as we have no context of the situation. He could be twisting it or she really could be toxic.

But I think the age gap is a concern, especially as he seemingly deflected you asking.

I’d say this is worse than the garden situation. Incredibly pushy, no thanks byeee.

I’m curious (appalled) by this too - when men do this, is it bc they want to test boundaries by seeing if they can dictate what you eat and other choices with no pushback? Or they’re choosing the less calorific option bc they want you a certain weight? Or they’re cheapskates and choosing the cheapest thing on the menu? What did you sense OP? Obv you can’t speak for all the arseholes who do this but I’m intrigued as to what their rationale might be. Anyone?

Also, the not calling ahead and his generation - I guess they didn’t have mobiles so it’s a habit they’ve had to get used to, or some just haven’t - but as common mobile usage has been in existence for over 20 years now you’d think he’d acknowledge that it can be used for this function, but form what you’ve said I think he’s just an entitled arse and is maybe relying on you being younger and a woman and too polite to put him in his place.

This is an illustration of power imbalance within large age gap relationships. God knows what he’d have been like to a woman in her 20s when he was in his 40s.

So looks are all that matter?

Put a lock on your gate, or a bolt that can’t be reached from the garden side. This is for your added security and in case he comes round after your ditched him.

I don't mind people dropping round unannounced. But they should knock on the door or text me to say 'I'm standing outside'. Nobody sets foot uninvited in my home (except my kids). I took the precaution of acquiring a very barky dog to that end (she won't bite but she looks as though she will). Anyone who knows me and her well enough to walk straight in is welcome, anyone else can stand on the step and knock.

I agree with those who say that this bloke is trying to erode any boundaries you have so he can move in. Give it another six weeks and he'll be at yours more nights than he'll be anywhere else. Age doesn't matter, behaviour does.

Its a boundary violation and a test
To see if you let it go, then he gets worse

Dump Op but be very careful
Bolt and lock the gate, Ring door bell etc

42 to 62 is an issue for me, as she’ll likely spend her retirement as a carer.

62 isn’t ancient. I am a 62 year old female and wouldn’t dream of just letting myself in the back gate of anyone I know. Even on a short notice visit, I have called a friend and said I am unexpectedly in the area, do they have time for a cuppa. Ordering meals and random, unannounced visits is not a generational thing. It’s a rude bloke thing.
Sounds like he has plans to get his foot in the door. Massive red flag for me, whatever his generation.

Did he give it to you, or did you just see one lying around and walk off with it?

Does he explain why he tries to order for you? To be honest it would be it at that point for me. No one messes with my food!

It's all a bit odd about him, but the oddest thing is, you said nothing about not liking it the first time he did it, so he did it a second time and now you've come and complained about it to a bunch of strangers. You had opportunity to express your concerns but didn't. So even if you get rid of him, you still remain someone who doesn't assert what they want. You expose yourself this way to being an enabler of all sorts of bad behaviour. So. Regarding future relationships, YABU.

A child who doesn’t speak to him is the biggest red flag IMO.

I would make sure you keep your gate locked. Not just because of him but for the security of your house

Visiting people unannounced used to be the norm and I am younger than him - everyone is so much more precious about their space and time and I don’t think it’s really making people feel better overall

ASSUMING that after the first time you clearly told him to not do that then he’s unreasonable . But it sounds like you didn’t so that’s on you. He’s just different. And probably wondering why you never pop by

However splitting up sounds like the best thing for you

When I was younger I was trapped in a big age gap relationship.

I appreciate there’s exceptions but after getting out of that, nothing would ever sway me into a situation like that again. You’re only 42, enjoy life with someone around your age or younger!! Don’t let yourself be trapped into dealing with a grumpy old man.

Where was your dog when he let himself in? Just occurred to me. Our gate is bolted not locked then there’s a second gate but if anyone opened it to come into the garden the dogs would go mad.
They're loving friendly family dogs but the male in particular is very protective of me around men (except DH)
He does sound controlling and entitled I’d move on.

71 here