AIBU to end things after unannounced visits and other red flags?

I am 62 and I would not date a man aged 42 ... that's younger than my eldest son. Yuk.

He knows he is punching above his weight and he doesn't have much time to get you locked down and under control before you realize just have far out of his league you are.
He knows full well why his daughter doesn't speak to him but he won't tell you because it will make him look bad and put you off.

Well that could also be because he didn't want her to have the chance to fill you in. 😉

Dominant, controlling and entitled.
Bin him, OP.

Exactly this. As far as my experience goes

My friends who are older think nothing of just turning up...no warning.

Definitely have a lock installed and cameras OP. It's always a red flag when a man states his ex is 'toxic'. Yes, she could very well be, as there are toxic women out there, the same as there are men. When you start adding in the fact his daughter has spoken to him for many years and he has 'no idea why', then that's a massive red flag.

Personally, given his lack of boundaries, and the other red flags of him wanting to order food for you etc, I would be contacting the police for a Clare's Law request. The reason I say this, is because my friend dated a man who's ex was 'toxic' and she'd 'stopped him from seeing his daughter'. When the Clare's Law information came back, he wasn't allowed contact with his daughter or ex, as there is a restraining order in place, due to controlling behaviour and violence.

Putting in the request will give you any information that may be relevant. If he is controlling and there's been intervention with the police before, you can then seek help to extract yourself from the relationship.

Sadly, men who push boundaries, use control etc don't generally just accept a relationship has ended. They can become nasty, aggressive and start stalking type behaviour. My friend's ex, who I mentioned above, lent her a phone, when hers mysteriously broke, he'd modified it, so every key stroke she made, he got sent a copy. He had lots of transcripts of messages she'd sent to friends (myself included) and family.

You need to end the relationship. Even without the red flags, he's too old for you.

I think for many ( not all) men, you become toxic the minute ‘you ‘ want out - I’m sure plenty of perfectly nice women on here are being described as ‘toxic ex partners/wives!

Normal men let you place your order first, and if you order the potatoes they will order the chips so you have both on the table.

He's ridiculously controlling. Sharing a main that he chooses? Nope.

This was your first frog (more toad like). It's a steep learning curve and you have done well to notice the red flags and ask for reassurance so quickly.

Single women shouldn't need cameras for safety but unfortunately while men like him are out there and fire breathing dragons need more roaming space than a back garden, they are helpful.

Burned Haystacks is also amazing as a support network of women also dating and looking out for things- it can feel lonely.

I met someone through this method.

Get yourself on Burned Haystacks Dating Method on Facebook or buy the book.

You need it urgently to start spotting the red flags immediately before you even have more than one date. One unexpected 'popping in' should have been enough.

And my answer to @Naunet stands: age matters if OP is looking for a life partner, but not if she is looking for a dating partner.

It's all moot if he is not right for her, which appears to be the case. OP needs pump the brakes, slow that tentative return to dating down, and figure out why she was attracted to this man (it was not OLD, he did not have misleading photos, she met him IRL) and also work out why she couldn't tell him not to visit unannounced, or that she will choose her own food in a restaurant. That should be the focus.

I agree - now we have mobile phones and wattsaps it really is just a matter of being polite to send a text and say 'hey are you about, just passing by?'. None of us in our 50s and 60s are from an era where there weren't phones you could use. I come from a much more "traditional" culture and even there and back then turning up unannounced was unheard of. Just didn't happen ever. It is controlling full stop!

I agree with anyone else, OP, be firm and cut it off.

i don't understand.

you know he has red flags
you know he's as best entitled and presumptive.

do you think people will say "yes op, yabi to break it off cos once you've slept with a guy once, you're bound to put up with his crap forever"?

@Naunet put it better.

The other red flag is that he's 20 years older than you

To be honest I was ready to say "yes, run" when I saw your respective ages.

Reading further I understand exactly why the CF is trying it with women 20 years younger.

Not always. My lovely husband of 20 years did have an toxic ex wife.

That is one of the most repulsive things a man can do. Ordering for you. It's a sign he doesn't understand you are a person in your own right, with your own preferences.

I had a uni boyfriend - very handsome, very clever, ended up exceedingly rich and famous. I remember him suggesting we move in together after uni, to where he had landed a job. I said I didn't want to live in that town. He was so hurt and perplexed until I asked if he would move towns to be where I worked. The look of confusion as the penny dropped, that he was expecting me to do something willingly that he'd never contemplate doing.

We split up.

Good for you giving dating ago, bad luck he was a strange one. I have dated a date bit and haven't ever met a man who tried to order for me.
The walking in the garden thing is crazy, I wouldn't do that at my parents house, yet alone someone I was dating, that's way over the line.
You gave it a go and figured out pretty quickly he's not for you.
Happy to hear you're getting a lock for your gate and staying safe.
Happy dumping!

Get that lock on the gate, a good one as a priority.
A video bell would be a good buy too.

Walking around your house is the height of entitlement, I would be very pissed off.

He's a domineering wife and I reckon a nasty piece of work and none of his family want anything to do with him.
Huge red flag.

He has time on his hands and wants to have somewhere to hang out.

Get rid.

Most men who say they have "a toxic ex-wife" are normally the problem themselves but won't take the blame - first red flag. Turning up uninvited and being so relaxed about it - flag no. 2. Having a daughter that won't speak to him - no. 3.

Please end this before its very hard to get rid of him.

YABVU to have let this happen in the first place.

What possessed you to get involved with a man old enough to be your dad and with more baggage than Heathrow? Have you no self respect?!

I would end it immediately then book into therapy, so you can work with a therapist to unpick why your self-esteem is so low and how to pull your standards for a relationship up from the gutter.

Yup, lots of red flags. The garden thing especially. I'm not a fan of the "just swing by" except for really long, old, established relationships, but even if you are that way inclined, there's a big difference between knocking on the door spontaneously and hoping to be invited in and just swanning in.

As for the DD - the only way I'd accept his version of events if the story also had all the ways he'd tried to re-establish contact, if he talkled about how much he missed his DD and what he hopes is happening for her in her life now. But of course, the chances are that none of this has happened.

As for ordering.... some people do that, but by now he should have figured out that its' NOT a thing you like. twat.

But actually, even if these were not red flags for most of us, you don't like it so you have every right to end it.

But it is presumptuous. To me, it sends the message that he is entirely insensitive to what she might be up to, whether she is free and willing to see him. I know a few people who seem to think others are puppets lying dormant in their boxes until that person tugs a string and expects them to be instantly free to perform and entertain them. It's weird.

You text, email, call and say 'I'm in the neighbourhood - is it okay if I come over to see you.' You don't just walk in and sit down as if you own their time and space.

Please stop seeing him or set very clear boundaries and keep to them. Once he's in, he will be very difficult to get rid of.