To not know if I should confront my friend?

@cocopuffy go back to social basics...

NEVER act on information from a secondary source. If you didn't hear them say it themselves then assume they didn't.

So you either ask Julie outright and find out for yourself or just carry on as normal.

For all you know, Emily might have completely misinterpreted the tone of the conversation and got it wrong.

Personally I'd subtly mention to Julie that you'd been chatting to Emily and apparently the two of them were talking about you. See how she reacts.

Julie must have friends other than Emily - why would she choose to slag you off to Emily, the only person she knows that knows you?

If I were going to be massively two-faced, I wouldn't seek out the one person who would be likely to tell the person I was talking about unless I was hoping it would get back to them.

Unless she thought Emily would be a sympathetic ear and say nothing? Did Emily tell you how she reacted to this onslaught of criticism about you?

This.

im the most non confrontational person ever 🤣

But I was in a similar position and phased the person out by being “busy” when they suggested meeting up.

When confronted about why I simple replied “because I’m sure you don’t want coffee with someone who gives bad advice when you ask for it”

This worked for me because I literally quoted what I’d been told she’d said and so she knew it has gotten back to me without me having to actually say anything.

It wasn’t a problem in work because I spoke to her when necessary professionally and asked her professionally necessary questions only.

Maybe you will find this thread useful OP, as it’s extremely similar
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5547924-to-confront-friend-about-her-behaviour

I wouldn’t confront her at work.

You’re going to have to slowly let the friendship burn out. No matter what you do it’s going to create issues for you at work. Unfortunately, your husband is right. Stop telling her anything personal. No gossip. No drama. Just keep her on an information diet and be really busy all of the sudden.

If she calls it out, just reassure her that nothings wrong and carry on.

Just be busy.

I’d have to let her know I knew what she was saying, what if she is bad mouthing you at work? She’s a snake!

I think the friendship ending is a shame but the workplace issues sound bigger! She's badmouthing your work and trying to get ahead of you - I would think this all revolves around work and her trying to become your superior while also delegating to you - what a charmer! Pull right back and protect yourself now!

Yes I would do this. Protect your reputation at work at all costs. I would completely stop being friends outside work, but don't confront her. You probably won't get the answer you want to hear.

Im not defending her, but you know they say bullies usually are deeply unhappy people?. You say she has a lot going on in her personal life, sounding like she is unhappy and lashing out in all the wrong places. You have your life together and hers is a bit sh*t, which hurts.
Possibly step back a bit & if she confronts you then let her know you've been told a lot of hurtful things and the friendship has run its course.
It's sounding to me like your friend is unhappy in life and lashing out anywhere she can.

I’d step back. Mainly as a way of controlling the situation. Unless Emily is exaggerating or isn’t telling the your friendship is dead in the water. Put her on the back foot by stepping back and telling her the friendship has run its course…no excuses. No reasons. No dropping Emily in it. It is what it is! How horrible for you 😢

I'm taking a few antihistamines at the moment, so a bit floopy & all my brain can focus on is whether your name is Rachel & where is Ross ?

People say this quite often, but I don't think the resulting conversation is ever helpful or productive.

What can Julie say? Yes, she's been slagging you off, and she stands by what she said? Unlikely.

Deny, diminish, deflect? Very possible, and still gives you no satisfaction.

Goes on the attack, telling management you've made allegations against her, or has a go at you or Emily? Potential for reputational damage on all sides.

@cocopuffy , by pulling back and continuing to work well you retain the high ground AND you look professional at work. Should Julie query it, say you prefer to keep thinking on a professional footing. Or perhaps, "I think as co-workers it's best if I pulled back from being your sounding board. It felt a little awkward."

Emily got herself iinvolved by asking what had happened between you and Julie. I’d be thinking as to why Emily did this - what was the purpose? Is she being nosey (and possibly a bit of a gossip?) or was she wanting to support you or Julie trying to figure out what was going on?

Emily not only disclosed that Julie has slagged you off as a friend, she’s then compounded that by adding in your work performance.

Emily must’ve known this would be hurtful to you so I don’t feel that makes her a good friend here to either you or Julie. Why tell you? She’d have been better off either telling Julie herself to stop being unkind or telling Julie to step away from the friendship with you if she’s that unhappy.

I would not worry about dumping Emily in it - don't mention any names - she's probably talked like this to more than just Emily.

I would go quiet on the personal level. Its horrible when you find out the friendship wasn't how you saw it.

she seems to be expecting to delegate to me (which I won’t be accepting unless it’s directly approved or instructed by my superior).

That's where she'll try to push. Get everything in writing. If she says you're incompetent, why would she be expecting to delegate to you?

Watch your back and good luck.

I'd step back too and if she asks why you say "news has reached me that you think I'm incompetent which has hurt my feelings and I think its best we don't see each other socially anymore".

If this is true, she's a two faced backstabber and it sounds like there's some professional jealousy going on. She's going above and beyond at work to get ahead while dissing her perceived competition, that would be you. She's going to expect you to also go above and beyond. I hope she won't be over you directly.

Sound out other people at work to see if this is true, and if the telling people you're incompetent is going further than Emily.

You say she has less opportunities than you at work but here she is getting promoted ahead of you. Check your assumptions there.

I would just back off because I wouldn't throw Emily under the bus. Just say you're really busy and have to concentrate on other things right now. If you say anything, Julie will likely know the source. Closure is bullshit. If this is true, this dynamic will continue until one of you leave the workplace. Confronting her will only make leaving the workplace likely happen sooner.

Ooft, if true she’s not a friend. I would absolutely be raising this with her and asking (carefully) about what you have heard. I would want to get at the truth before I jettisoned one or other or both (in a friend context, I’d still be professional at work). Life’s too short to spend time with duplicitous people.

Yes this approach is good.

She has probably slagged op off to other people so she won’t instantly suspect Emily.

There is no reason for OP to worry that Emily will be blamed.