To not know if I should confront my friend?

I wouldn't assume Emily is lying, but she isn't an amazing friend. Who tells someone that a mutual friend thinks they are lazy, gives awful advice and is a bad friend and then acts all confused like "whaaaaat? You didn't know she thought that?". Of course you wouldn't know all that.

Anyway, I would probably step back rather than confront as I don't like getting dragged into drama. I would also be wary of Emily

I’m fascinated by people saying go to HR.
your HR departments must be very different to mine 😆

I think , Emily is the obvious problem here
What was she hoping to gain by telling you what she did
Who knows if it's true or not ..
Emily will know she has put you in a difficult situation that you have no way of finding out the truth.
Julie ...I wonder if she now feels uncomfortable about what she spoke to you about ,the personal problems you helped her with ..
Maybe she is regretting telling someone at work,and worried it will be round the office,so has gone on the attack first ..
However ,you will never get to the truth of this ,so there is no point bringing it up with anyone.
You need to keep work people as work people,you have definitely got to involved with Julie ..
And I've had friends like Emily in the past,always having a gossip about someone else ,I usually say ,I don't wish to discuss anyone else,I'm not interested in what anyone else has said ,and I end the friendship if they continue.
Protecting your job comes first ..don't give a yone any ammunition against you ..
Technically,you have discussed Julie with Emily...and there's no guarantee Emily won't repeat some of the conversation to Julie ,even though Emily instigated it .
In future you need to shut down conversation fast about anyone else

Think very very hard before blowing up this relationship given you work so closely together. You manager is not
going to want to pick sides, trust me
on that one. You could cause yourself a lot of grief. Go neutral but gently withdraw with plausible excuses until
the hurt has passed and you can think
objectively about it.

I wouldn’t be blowing things up at work. Take a step back op, with some vague excuse (parents need care/renovations at home) and stop seeing her socially. Be very busy and keep things light and civil day to day.

I am not sure if you can trust Emily, but I would take a step back either way. To protect my job and remain professional. I don’t have work friends for that reason.

She is not your friend. If she had a problem with you she should have been straightforward with you and certainly not talked about you to anyone else.

I don't think much of the person who passed on the tittle tattle either.

You do not need this person in your life, keep contact to the minimum and let it fade.

I would be very suspicious of Emily's motive in all this! If a friend was venting ti me about another friend, the last thing I would do is run off and relay it all to them.

I think going round the subject with your actions will just put you in a position when you can be criticised more and likely others will notice your actions too . Honestly is the best policy here and say you are hurt and why but name no names ( refuse to)

Keep it to yourself for now, see less of her.

I’d not definitely believe Emily as she would have known this would be hurtful to bring up if true and still did. So you don’t know what is true at the moment.

I would see less of both of them.

I would take this to HR and ask for their advice. You have only heard this second-hand and you are struggling with finding the most appropriate way to manage this. You are considering speaking to her directly, but don’t want a hostile working environment to develop.

This is exactly why it’s important to remember:

Your coworkers are your coworkers, not your friends!

Just do a slow fade. She doesn't like you, she is a gossip and that will not change. What do you imagine confronting her will do?

Do you have an HR rep you can chat to informally about this? It sounds like she means you harm and might try to cause you grief at work. Gossip can be incredibly dangerous. "Confronting" her will cause her to up her bad behaviour, she's not going to admit anything or apologise.

She's shown you show she is. Believe her.

First of all I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your friend was just trying to warn you and I don't think she was trying to cause trouble. It can feel awkward when someone is nice to your face then talks badly behind your back. People like this are doing it to everyone, its nothing you've done It makes insecure people feel better about themselves. When this happens to me I use the grey rock method. I don't ignore them but I don't engage with anything meaningfully, so in short, be as boring as physically possible. If she is ranting 'Im sorry to hear that' 'Oh really?' 'aww too bad' just short, boring responses. If she can get no reaction from anything, she will move on to a new victim. You might need to keep this up for a while and if she asks why you've changed just play oblivious. Be the most boring person you can physically imagine.

Emily is a shit stirrer. You sound better off without any of them

I think it would help us to know what kind of things she’s been going through through and what sort of advice you gave, and I say this because it may be a case of her feeling like you have something in your life that she doesn’t and she’s lashing out. It’s unlikely to have anything to do with you in reality from what you’ve said.

I’d have to confront her, just say, ‘Hi Julie, is everything okay? It’s just I have reason to believe I’ve upset you with my advice, and if so then I’m sorry. I’d like to discuss it if possible’ and take it from there. You can mention work later, but the first thing is to get a conversation started.

Her reaction can tell you a lot on its own. If she asks who told you, ask her how many people she’s told. If she’s only told Emily, she will know who told you anyway, if it’s more than one person, then just say you don’t want to give names because you don’t want to cause trouble. Maybe forewarn Emily that you’re going to ask Julie about what she told you.

I agree that you have to be careful about immediately believing Emily.

But also, be very aware of anything odd going on at work. I had a work “friend” who I later found out was undermining me and doing all sorts of toxic things behind the scenes. I don’t even think it was professional jealousy, just getting their kicks creating drama. Once I became aware I went to HR and confidentially told them my concerns. I later found out I wasn’t the only one experiencing this with this person, they were running around causing all sorts of problems spreading lies and trying to professionally undermine multiple people. I’m now hyper-vigilant about these types in the workplace and create distance at the first hint of talking about others in a derogatory way, etc.

So prioritise not causing any kind of trouble at work.

No confrontation. No sudden cooling off.

Continue treating her the same, but let the intensity of the friendship fade and the intervals at which you meet increase.

If it weren't for the fact that you work together I'd advise you to drop the two-faced cow straightaway.

I'm assuming here that Emilynis totaly trustworthy...

In your other thread, it was because she was jealous of your marriage.

I agree with this.

If she was just a member of a friendship group... I'd say confront away... because no loss.

But she is a colleague and given how upset you are and because she is a lying two faced b word - she will automatically increase talking about you to others particularly work colleagues.

She sees herself in competition with you at work and wants to be first.

Rather than thinking about confronting her, which might be momentarily satisfying... I would think of it more in terms of managing her so that she doesn't make life a misery at work... a slow fade... be less available... civil.. but non confiding any information she doesn't need to know. You have her measure now.

After all, once she knows the cat is out of the bag.. her first concern will be to get in first in case you tell people aobut her behaviour. She will have no incentive to remain civil and it will cause an awkward atmosphere. She's not going to apologise, more likely to deny it and throw the blame back on you.

I might consider mentioning it to your direct manager as you say you trust her and tell her that you will be quietly taking a step back.

I think you would find this a better way of dealing with her than

This exactly.
I wouldn't trust Emily.
What was Emily's response to Julie when she started flagging you off

I wouldn't say anything and just move on from her she sounds hard work so why would i bother

Video et taceo

Knowledge is power. Keep your powder dry for now. If you confront her in any way she will get defensive. This will affect both of your friendships with Emily, create an atmosphere at work, give her permission to bring her perceived grievances against you to a wider audience etc.
Play the long game. You now know what she really thinks of you. She may also be on a power trip knowing she is going to be promoted ahead of you. She's already positioning herself by thinking she will be delegating to you.
Slowly withdraw from the personal friendship while keeping everything professional at work. If she asks just be casual, very busy at home, family demands and even new hobbies.

@cocopuffy Even if it's true I think Emily is horrible for repeating it. Why say something you know will hurt the other person?

I would step back from Julie, be very brief but polite. If she wants to know what's up I wouldn't hesitate to repeat what Emily said because she's def a shitstirrer (even if it's true).

That wasn’t the impression I had when I offered advice on that thread but nevertheless as you both have:

• supported the friend through a tough time
• have a mutual friend/colleague who told you she’s been slagging you off for giving bad advice
• been told by friend that you are lazy for working your set hours
• get good feedback from bosses despite this
• asked the same question…

…then I would say the advice already given in that thread would be pretty useful, no?