To not pay their air fare

If you reel really pushed then offer the minimum towards the flight only. When, and if, they do come on their annual trip you should make it clear that due to all the costs now involved you will not be able to make any contribution in the future. If they want to still come they will find a way to fund it and that's not your problem, you have enough to deal with.

@rookiemere Explain kindly that because both parents are now in full‑time care, their funds need to be prioritised for that, so you can’t cover flights anymore. You can offer a small contribution if you feel comfortable, but you’re not obliged to.

It’s factual, non‑accusatory, and protects the care fund. Something like:
“Because Mum and Dad are now in care and the fees are very high, I have to prioritise their funds for that. They can’t cover flights anymore. You’re very welcome to visit, but it would need to be at your own expense. If it helps, I can contribute £1k towards the fares as a one off.”

As an occasional reader of this website I’d find these so much easier to read without the DPs DCs DFs and DHs. 🥲

Not read full thread but OP do not forget IHT on your DP estate. The tax man may not think money spent on these relatives over last 7 years is not liable to the tax.Tell them you will be taxed probably on these payments for flights etc.

I don’t think I’d mention it and wait to see if they do! Even though they’re CF’s, if they do ask then I’d probably pay it this time as your parents can afford it and it would bring your dad joy but once he doesn’t recognise them then the money would stop.
I definitely wouldn’t host them though if they aren’t good house guests. I’m intrigued to know what they’ve done in your home previously!

On reflection, I think you are right to offer this year but I would have to tell her it's the last time. It's a long term worry for you making sure there is enough money for elder care. I wouldn't cut modest support to your son because he genuinely needs the help to support his education, the relationship is closer and it can be time limited to the uni years.

This isn't entirely altruistic - he's done a lot to ensure your inheritance is the maximum it can be. Would he do the same for a much loved neighbour, for instance?

That's what I would be doing in your place.

I wouldn't worry too much about what might happen next year. Cross that bridge when you come to it. The situation will be different and undoubtedly worse. That's the sad reality of dementia.

Not being funny if they thought anything about your father they should be willing to pay their own air fares !!
Also my dad's partner is in a care home it's over 7,000 a month and it's just recently increased by another 500 pounds so make sure that's factored into your figures as well !.
It's a 2 way street relationships and if your dad have been funding this all the time I'd say it's their turn now x

Well he can pay himself, like everyone else who visits somewhere

This is not true. She can continue to give gifts in line with what he previously did.

If you have poa you are not supposed to be giving gifts on their behalf.
Tell them that.

This would be abuse of the POA.

Not had time to RTFT, but you could look into Immediate Care Needs Annuity to fund their care fees with less risk of running out later.

You may be in breach of PoA rules, due to DF's lack of capacity and their need for care fees. This is a change in their past circumstances.

You also have IHT to consider, as you could be in breach of gifting allowances depending on their income remaining after care fees.

I would pay this last time and then no more. Make it clear that after this trip, your DP's funds are for their care. It is a good time to set future expectations @rookiemere
Oh and don't compare what they do for you and yours. You are their child for goodness sake. As fond as he is of the neice, she is a neice. It sounds like you and your family have done a lot for your parents and sacrificed plenty. Do not feel guilty about your DS recieving money, it doesn't compare.

I wouldn't wait for them to ask because if they assume that you will fund them and are disappointed when flights are more expensive then I think that'll cause bad feeling. I would fund flights for a last time to the tune of the current price, but tell them the amount. I would also let them know that it is the last time. Realistically, it doesn't sound like your DF will have capacity to recognise her for much longer, so it's only worthwhile this year.

I think it's fine to accept the allowance for your DS. My grandad continued to pay a similar thing to all the grandchildren after he lost capacity because he had been doing so for several years already so there was a clear pattern.

But why are people saying "this is the last time"?

He would have paid every year if he had the capacity to do so.

The finances sounds healthy and not imminently running out of funds

OP is continuing to gift money to her son on her parent's behalf.

The trip should continue to be funded for as long as the finances allow gifts (to anyone) to be given because that is what her father would have done.

We were in a similar postion 6 years ago when my husband's aunt (by marriage)had to go into a care home as she has dementia. Her sister, brother, neices and nephews only came to see her at Christmas to get a cheque, or would phone and remind her it was their birthday! She went into the home in February and the sister & brother turned up at Xmas and were most annoyed that she didn't have a cheque book to give them their money. They phoned DH he is her POA who in no uncertain terms told them the gravy train had blown up, he needed every penny of what was left to keep her as we didn't know how long she would be living there. She is still there 6 years later and fees are now more tham twice what they were.

Her H is fixated on coming here repeatedly for reasons completely unrelated to my DF

In that case, why would you contribute to both airfares rather than just hers?

If you want to chip in I'd personally send the £500 or so which you said would cover the cost of the current fare, and if it's left until they've gone up then it's their issue to sort

Of course it's possible neither will then come at all, but at least you'd have tried

Would you be comfortable telling your father that now that you have control of their finances you have decided it is not a good use to fund his family visits and that if they cannot come up with the funds themselves he will not see them again?

Would you feel comfortable saying this if your father didn’t have dementia and understood what you were saying?

It feels like your personal dislike is what is driving your decision. Not concern for your parents.

File that comment under the MN usual of ‘my input is more important than actually reading the thread - even the additional posts from the OP’. Drives me up the wall!

I think you’ve made the right choice for this year for sure - if he did have capacity he would have paid, and from what you’ve written this amount won’t realistically affect their care.

Are they people you will be able to discuss this with when they are over to explain that the money is now tied up in long term care which means this is basically the last funded time they can fly over?

But she's quite happy to dip her hand in her parents money to give money to her son...

The gift to her son and the airfare need to be treated the same. Either they both continue to be paid, or neither continue to be paid.

OP deciding to priorise the gift that benefits her/her son over the gift that brings her father joy would be an abuse of the POA.

This