To not pay their air fare

This is true, you can't just spend his money like this and yes older people can live many years in a care home.

Capacity is decision specific. People with dementia can still make decisions on some things with support.

Legally once power to handle financial affairs is handed over to a POA or Deputy if no POA is in place, they make the decisions. However - for example - someone without capacity still has the right to make some decisions; under the Care Act they can make deciding about where they live - this went to the Court of Protection for us, where my father's wishes were upheld, even when the Court of Protection had themselves removed mental capacity.

It's more nuanced than just no capacity, no decision making whatsoever

Sorry if I didn't read the thread carefully enough, but it sounded from what you said about discussing this with DF that has sufficient capacity to state that he'd like to see these relatives. Since the consult says he lacks capacity, I guess that as Attorneys you have to decide what he would have wanted in this situation. Tricky because his money may run out too quickly, but it sounds to me that he would want to continue to pay for the fares at least. Whether you think the relatives are CF is another question. They do sound pretty entitled especially expecting to stay with you and not behaving like respectful guests.

I think this is probably the correct advice however OP I would strongly suggest you use some of your DP's money to get a legal opinion from a lawyer who is a specialist in this area. Then you can act on their advice. This is assuming you have POA which I would suspect is the case with them both in a care home (there's literally no-one with capacity in any care home I've been in, sadly, over the past 5 years)

If your DP pays for flights, you don't have to put them up though, sounds like you have enough to deal with. It may be if they have to pay for their own accommodation they won't come or it will be a very short visit simply to visit your DF.

legally it isn't. You either have capacity or you don't.

I would send a bland “Let me know when you’re coming and where you’re staying and we’ll make sure we make time to catch up.’

Make sure you document this somewhere, along with your reasoning.

If you think there is capacity for your dad to understand, you could even record you telling him this. Or if there is some other responsible party who could act as an independent witness?

Basically, set a timed/dated record that you are making a thought-through decision + reasons why for now and future, not a hasty or emotional one.

@rookiemere just to say - mental capacity is decision specific. Even with loss of capacity to manage financial affairs etc, he can ask make some decisions, which is important to support him in doing.

I had a very similar scenario with my dad, right up to the refusal to acknowledge declining abilities, and I just want to say that you sound to be doing really well with supporting them 💐

I think I would decline to pay bcz of the need to pay CH fees, also this generosity has to stop one day, I'd want to get this awkwardness over with. I don't think the other decision is wrong, though, it's not an easy one.

Precedent is one of the guiding principles of PoA. As an attorney you have to constantly ask yourself what decision the owner of the money would make.

Just because something has been done in the past doesn’t necessarily mean it has to continue into the future. People with mental capacity change their spending priorities all the time. Who’s to say that the parents, if they had capacity, might agree that the priority for their funds is now their care first and foremost?

I’ve been here for over a decade and still hate the D….s! So twee and unnecessary. But everyone else seems to love it!

OP if your mother and father would get pleasure from the visit, I’d use their money to pay for the flights as usual. I would tell them that it’s quite likely to be the last time they have the trip funded for them as care costs are taking so much of their income. I’d also say that you are exhausted from everything and won’t be able to host them as guests - they must find somewhere else to stay. That way you are being upfront and fair about everything.

I have too and was scrupulous about it to the point of meticulous recording of every expenditure. Their solicitor was clear with me that I was responsible for making the same choices about their money that they did when they still had capacity.

As a (PO) Attorney I've dealt with my parents' finances. Your parents both lack capacity and you MUST act in their best interest, Therefore, you can't pay the cousins' air fares or accommodation, it could be seen as deprivation of assets. You also need to be very careful around the support for their DGS, the rules are incredibly strict.

Being an attorney has strict legal implications, it is not about compromises. Many people without a friend or relative attorney use a solicitor. It may be useful to ask what a solicitor attorney would decide in this situation.
It is definitely not a question of OP 'looking for a compromise'.

Perfect response from @Barethe

They've shown they don't respect the gift - even to the point of costing your DP more by delaying the flight booking. Just pull the plug.

OK, I'm not in the UK so different rules I guess, either way I don't think she should be using the money for expensive airfares when it should be used for her parents care, tax payers paying the bill is even worse

I don't think you should pay anything at all. You are legally obliged to look after that money in the interests of your parents. You don't know realistically how long their finances will last because you don't know how long they will live.

I'd say

"Hi Bertha, so lovely to hear you are wanting to come and see my mum and dad. I have attached details of some B&Bs local to their care homes. Unfortunately, their assets are now all ring-fenced for their care and since they legally no longer have capacity, it is not possible to send any of their money to you for flights or for accommodation. It would be necessary for you to finance the trip yourself. Perhaps if you come on your own it will be more affordable. Do keep me updated regarding your plans since it would be good to meet up if you manage to get over to see them. Otherwise I will of course keep you posted and updated as to how they are doing and we can perhaps arrange a FaceTime call next time I'm with them.

Much love,

Rookiemere"

I agree. There is a pattern of spending, so that isn't a problem. What is a problem is that your DP's living costs have soared! and will continue to increase. I would make them aware of this - and suggest as your DP's living and financial circumstances have changed, then the annual visits as previously enjoyed and funded can no longer continue.

Given that your DF would enjoy their visit - I might be willing to have a conversation with them about making some financial contribution to their costs, but that sadly, this is the last time this will be possible. I know you from the Elderly Parents board, and this might be the time gently to suggest that this could be a last visit.

I totally agree with this.

You can't argue that one thing needs to stop because you need to be careful with the money and then continue letting your son take advantage of their generosity.

They aren't going to ask about the air fare, because it's always been paid for. So if you aren't going to pay it you'll need to let them know.

I would say it's perfectly reasonable to let them know that this will be the last time you're able to do that as money needs to now go on care costs.
But you also need to stop your son's allowance at the same time.

PoA includes “nice to do stuff” if the owner of the money has set a precedent. The onus is on the attorney to spend the money in the way that it has been spent in the past, not as the attorney personally wishes.

When the money runs out, the state - other taxpayers will be paying the care home bills. This is why “deprivation of assets” exist. I think as your parents need money for care then some of this “nice to do stuff” should probably stop including gifts to your own children. Maybe say that given the funds are needed for care this will be the last trip that will be supported.

I'd stay silent on the money front. Offer nothing. See what happens. Easier said than done, especially when your focus is on DF. But it sounds like he has a good grasp of the situation.

No she won’t. The state takes over when a resident’s money runs out.

Once here how much time does the niece actually spend with your parents ? do they bother the rest of the year keeping in contact ? Do they just visit your parents once or twice then bog off on 'holiday' for the rest of the time ? Really hate to sound cynical but I honestly would be checking parents wills and any codicil's that may have slipped in !!! 🙄