Page 4 | To not pay their air fare

rookiemere · 2026-07-30T06:28:28+00:00

Please if you recognise me don’t out me. I am an only DC, after a tough year of hard decline from dementia, both DPs are now in a care home close to me. It costs a lot, but thankfully DPs have amassed a lot of savings so I worked out the other day that they can afford it for around 8 years for both of them - they’re 92 and 87 respectively in poor physical health as well, so this should be enough. The dilemma is this. DF is from another country originally. He is very generous to his nieces my cousins, because their DF died early under unpleasant circumstances. He has offered to pay their fares, 2 of my cousins have declined but one has made it into an annual trip with DPs covering the air fares, bringing along her DH and staying for too long periods at our house. They aren’t ideal house guests so DH put his foot down and said they couldn’t stay for an extended trip again. Accommodation where we live is expensive. So anyway last night I got an email saying they were thinking of coming over and when would be convenient and what B&B could I recommend. No mention of air fares, so I thought maybe I should say that as the care fees are so expensive DPs can no longer cover the air fare. TBH I don’t think they should even be asking, but I suspect the trip will be unaffordable for them if they have to pay for somewhere to sleep and flights. I know DF would get some joy from seeing them, and to be fair to my cousin she is very fond of him and he’s almost like a substitute DF in her mind. Technically DPs could afford the flights, but I need to be responsible with their money. I thought I could maybe suggest a contribution of £1k which would help with the fares, but not fully cover them. DF thinks I shouldn’t mention it and make them ask if they want it. I think that’s coloured by the fact he finds the DH very difficult to get on with and feels they are grabby - as do I to be fair. He says it’s my money, but it’s not at the minute it’s very much still DPs and I am just enacting their wishes. So AIBU not to offer the money when it’s been paid for in the past ? Apologies if I respond periodically as going into work shortly.

pikkumyy77 · 30/07/2026 13:39

Do tbey facetime with your df? If not:why not? How much time do they really spend with him once they are in country?

I don’t think you should let sentiment overcome sense here. If they really cared they could FaceTime with him regularly.

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:38

Toohoottoo · 30/07/2026 13:36

Do you have any experience of a parent in care?

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Why yes I do, among other relatives.

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:38

SecretSquid · 30/07/2026 13:35

What are you on?

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I’m on mumsnet rn. Ta.

Toohoottoo · 30/07/2026 13:36

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:34

Why would they pay? Or OP?
You pay until you run out, and then the state pays.

Extreme frugality that denies a pensioner the basic human connections that people crave at end of life is unethical and potentially elder abuse. You have to balance quality of their life with a budget, you can’t be earmarking everything for physical care and ignore their mental well being or the last things they may want to do or people they want to see before they pass.

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Do you have any experience of a parent in care?

SecretSquid · 30/07/2026 13:35

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:21

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. You are seizing control of your DF’s funds when he has full capacity over his financial decisions. This is illegal and a form of elder abuse.

In the final years of life, it’s the family connections that matter more than potentially having to apply for council care home funding a week or two earlier.

You have no right to deem it an irresponsible use of his money or to intervene to prevent his usual assistance to cover their airfare as he benefits from their visits probably more so than they do.

Its perfectly legal that you want to refuse to host them and are actively making it harder for them to visit their uncle father figure in his final years, although I think it’s pretty shitty you choose now to make it an issue when the end is only a few years away. I think it’s ethically suspect.

But hey, letting an old man die lonely and unable to see as many of the people he is closest to because you want to shame him into not spending 1 week of care home fees on airfare is how you want to roll with end of life care for your dear father. Go ahead, I’m just trying to highlight how this is a decision you may well regret when it’s your self in a care home.

Edited

What are you on?

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:34

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/07/2026 13:25

Are they going to help pay for the care your DPs need if the money runs out? No? Thought not. You can’t spend your dad’s money on flights for relatives when the money is needed to ensure he and your DM get the care they need. You’ve worked it out. There’s 8 years worth of money left. You have to stick to the budget.

If your DPs die before the end of the 8 years, you can decide what/who to spend the money on then. Right now, the money has to be earmarked for care.

Your dad sounds like a loving and caring man and it’s commendable that he’s done so much for his brother’s children. But he cannot continue to fund them forever. Especially not now.

Why would they pay? Or OP?
You pay until you run out, and then the state pays.

Extreme frugality that denies a pensioner the basic human connections that people crave at end of life is unethical and potentially elder abuse. You have to balance quality of their life with a budget, you can’t be earmarking everything for physical care and ignore their mental well being or the last things they may want to do or people they want to see before they pass.

Emilesgran · 30/07/2026 13:31

Sereine · 30/07/2026 08:33

Also - make sure you have a plan to set money aside to help pay flights if they wish to visit for the funeral(s). Sorry to be blunt about that but the time they WILL need financial help is when they suddenly need to book a last minute flight for a funeral - never cheap. Once your dp dies, check what happens to bank account - it may be frozen and as executor you can apply for money for funerary costs but I’m not sure if that extends to flying family members over to the Uk. Worth checking.

I'm quite sure that funeral costs claimed from the estate do not cover the costs of travel to the funeral, so forget this. You can get video recordings streamed for people in other countries.

@rookiemere this is correct: funeral costs do not cover travel to the funeral - we considered this question concerning air flights for a sibling to come to DP's funeral and it was absolutely not allowed (we would all have agreed to do so, but legally it is not permitted)

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/07/2026 13:28

Barethe · 30/07/2026 12:05

I don't think you should pay anything at all. You are legally obliged to look after that money in the interests of your parents. You don't know realistically how long their finances will last because you don't know how long they will live.

I'd say

"Hi Bertha, so lovely to hear you are wanting to come and see my mum and dad. I have attached details of some B&Bs local to their care homes. Unfortunately, their assets are now all ring-fenced for their care and since they legally no longer have capacity, it is not possible to send any of their money to you for flights or for accommodation. It would be necessary for you to finance the trip yourself. Perhaps if you come on your own it will be more affordable. Do keep me updated regarding your plans since it would be good to meet up if you manage to get over to see them. Otherwise I will of course keep you posted and updated as to how they are doing and we can perhaps arrange a FaceTime call next time I'm with them.

Much love,

Rookiemere"

And at the same time “Hi DC, as you know grab and grandad have had to move into a care home which is really expensive. I am responsible for managing their money to ensure we can pay for their care so we can no longer pay your allowance. I’m sure you understand”

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:25

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:06

Oh and I am planning a small and quick funeral. I will make it very clear nobody should come for it. I had vaguely thought about a memorial thing in a place we could all get to a year down the line or when they have both passed.

What do your parents want for their funeral/memorial and why are you dictating how the entire family should grieve? Are you literally going to ban everyone other than your self from the funerals?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/07/2026 13:25

Are they going to help pay for the care your DPs need if the money runs out? No? Thought not. You can’t spend your dad’s money on flights for relatives when the money is needed to ensure he and your DM get the care they need. You’ve worked it out. There’s 8 years worth of money left. You have to stick to the budget.

If your DPs die before the end of the 8 years, you can decide what/who to spend the money on then. Right now, the money has to be earmarked for care.

Your dad sounds like a loving and caring man and it’s commendable that he’s done so much for his brother’s children. But he cannot continue to fund them forever. Especially not now.

SummerFeverVenice · 30/07/2026 13:21

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. You are seizing control of your DF’s funds when he has full capacity over his financial decisions. This is illegal and a form of elder abuse.

In the final years of life, it’s the family connections that matter more than potentially having to apply for council care home funding a week or two earlier.

You have no right to deem it an irresponsible use of his money or to intervene to prevent his usual assistance to cover their airfare as he benefits from their visits probably more so than they do.

Its perfectly legal that you want to refuse to host them and are actively making it harder for them to visit their uncle father figure in his final years, although I think it’s pretty shitty you choose now to make it an issue when the end is only a few years away. I think it’s ethically suspect.

But hey, letting an old man die lonely and unable to see as many of the people he is closest to because you want to shame him into not spending 1 week of care home fees on airfare is how you want to roll with end of life care for your dear father. Go ahead, I’m just trying to highlight how this is a decision you may well regret when it’s your self in a care home.

Aluna · 30/07/2026 13:18

Deprivation of assets is only relevant if you need state care. DPs have savings for 8 years of private care x2. And the 92 year old is in poor health thus unlikely to survive until 100. Thus for family to visit will not count.

Equally as OP has PoA, as long as she can argue she made decisions in what she believed to be the best interests of her DPs and in line with their previous choices, she will be ok.

In that context, personally I would use his money to benefit him. Dementia patients recognise familiar people even when they can’t name them.

HappySonHappyMum · 30/07/2026 13:10

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 10:26

Based on this thread I am going to offer the current price of the flights which is around £1200.

I agree it’s wrong to take money for DS and refuse something DF funded before.

I do think they are egregious entitled CFs though and won’t offer them any accommodation.

I think this is completely correct - you are continuing your fathers wishes by paying for flights but are completely right to not allow them to stay with you for free and to ask them to fund their own AirB&B/Hotel costs. I would almost put money on it that they won't come if it's not a fully paid freebie!

HereForFootie · 30/07/2026 13:10

BellaTheLiverBird · 30/07/2026 13:06

You are way nicer than me OP. Your DP's are both in care homes and their life long savings and investments are depleting every month, and on top of that they are paying for CF'ers annual long haul get away.

That is your inheritance they are tapping into, you do realise. An inheritance that you deserve, as you are their only DC.

Once your parents are no longer here, do you think your cousin is going to stop wanting to come over on her free holiday or is she going to be tapping you for money, especially if she thinks you have inherited.

As a compromise I would reluctantly sub this year's plane costs, and tell them that this is the last time as the care home fees are astronomical and you can no longer spend any money on anything else.

What do they do, pop in and see your dad for an hour and spend the rest of the time on holiday?

That is your inheritance they are tapping into, you do realise. An inheritance that you deserve, as you are their only DC.

OP shouldn't be (and isn't) using her power of attorney to endure she inherits more.

Original poster

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:09

Sorry it was my DH who said not to mention it I haven’t discussed with DF.

OP posts:

Original poster

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:08

@BellaTheLiverBird cousin won’t see a penny from me once DPs have passed unless it’s something like a commemorative once off get together . I think she knows this, her H on the other hand..

OP posts:

BeanNaGealai · 30/07/2026 13:08

ACynicalDad · 30/07/2026 07:35

Although they are CFs, it is his money and his choice I’m inclined to say keep it going whilst he has a chance of recognising them. If they don’t visit him much or stops recognising stop it then. Arrange other grounds to stay for a weekend once they’ve been with you a reasonable time period so book return tickets to match.

Sounds like the father doesn’t want to pay either if he said to wait and see if they ask.

I’d follow his wishes and if they ask, say no.

dumblydork · 30/07/2026 13:07

I think allowing it one more year while you father may still recognise his niece and appreciate seeing her is probably for the best for your conscience (if you think your father would enjoy the visit), but after that, I'd tell them you must conserve their funds for their own care. And frankly, most people, even if they have/had a warm relationship with a niece or nephew, would still rather leave something to their grandchild, if possible, than have too much of their assets eaten up by paying for continued visits from the niece/nephew, once the money is being more quickly depleted by their own care requirements. It's one thing to be generous when you can afford it and still expect to leave an inheritance to your child/grandchild. Things change when your expenses go up significantly.

Original poster

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:06

Oh and I am planning a small and quick funeral. I will make it very clear nobody should come for it. I had vaguely thought about a memorial thing in a place we could all get to a year down the line or when they have both passed.

OP posts:

QuaintBeaker · 30/07/2026 13:06

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:04

Thank you everyone for your replies, I will try to respond to as much as I can.

With DF I keep conversations as light as possible. He used to be quite a tricky character but now the dementia has changed him and he’s quite jolly and positive but can’t remember what he had for lunch and often muddles up my 3 cousins.

I think if directly asked he would want to pay for their airfare so based on this, that’s what I am going to do including her H , but on today’s costs not when they get round to booking it.

Dcousin is very fond of DF and it is quite a tricky situation so I genuinely think she wants to see him, but I will need to advise her that short visits are really all he can cope with. We do take him out for lunch sometimes but I think he likes the idea of it more than the reality as he’s quite frail.

It’s hard to describe exactly why they are such awful house guests. I don’t diagnose people lightly but the H appears to have ADHD so talks incessantly about his main topic ( playing music in bars which is why he enjoys our town) and coming back late at night. One time he famously locked out DS and wasn’t apologetic at all. They also kept threatening to go travelling for a few nights to break their stay and then didn’t. They never once bought any groceries and my cousin took my washing out of the washing machine to put hers in. Oh and they came a day later than expected and didn’t let us know because apparently we would be at home anyway, they would have been fine for a couple of nights but just stayed too long.

This thread has been so helpful I will pay for airfare on today’s costs and when I get round to it look up about IHT etc.

This sounds really sensible OP

Hope you can manage to get some sensible boundaries in place for their visit with regards to timing and behaviours!

BellaTheLiverBird · 30/07/2026 13:06

You are way nicer than me OP. Your DP's are both in care homes and their life long savings and investments are depleting every month, and on top of that they are paying for CF'ers annual long haul get away.

That is your inheritance they are tapping into, you do realise. An inheritance that you deserve, as you are their only DC.

Once your parents are no longer here, do you think your cousin is going to stop wanting to come over on her free holiday or is she going to be tapping you for money, especially if she thinks you have inherited.

As a compromise I would reluctantly sub this year's plane costs, and tell them that this is the last time as the care home fees are astronomical and you can no longer spend any money on anything else.

What do they do, pop in and see your dad for an hour and spend the rest of the time on holiday?

Original poster

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 13:04

Thank you everyone for your replies, I will try to respond to as much as I can.

With DF I keep conversations as light as possible. He used to be quite a tricky character but now the dementia has changed him and he’s quite jolly and positive but can’t remember what he had for lunch and often muddles up my 3 cousins.

I think if directly asked he would want to pay for their airfare so based on this, that’s what I am going to do including her H , but on today’s costs not when they get round to booking it.

Dcousin is very fond of DF and it is quite a tricky situation so I genuinely think she wants to see him, but I will need to advise her that short visits are really all he can cope with. We do take him out for lunch sometimes but I think he likes the idea of it more than the reality as he’s quite frail.

It’s hard to describe exactly why they are such awful house guests. I don’t diagnose people lightly but the H appears to have ADHD so talks incessantly about his main topic ( playing music in bars which is why he enjoys our town) and coming back late at night. One time he famously locked out DS and wasn’t apologetic at all. They also kept threatening to go travelling for a few nights to break their stay and then didn’t. They never once bought any groceries and my cousin took my washing out of the washing machine to put hers in. Oh and they came a day later than expected and didn’t let us know because apparently we would be at home anyway, they would have been fine for a couple of nights but just stayed too long.

This thread has been so helpful I will pay for airfare on today’s costs and when I get round to it look up about IHT etc.

OP posts:

andthat · 30/07/2026 12:59

Cousins are CF's for sure @rookiemere

However.. this stands out.

You said your DF will get joy from seeing them.

And you said they can currently afford it.

So i'd focus on the pleasure your parents will have seeing them - and pay the fares as he always wanted to in the past.

HereForFootie · 30/07/2026 12:58

Why not make a contribution this time but make clear it's the last time. Then they can start saving their own money and working overtime. I expect they'll be wanting you to pay for funeral flights too. You have to do what is in your parents' best interest.

BOOOOP345 · 30/07/2026 12:50

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 10:26

Based on this thread I am going to offer the current price of the flights which is around £1200.

I agree it’s wrong to take money for DS and refuse something DF funded before.

I do think they are egregious entitled CFs though and won’t offer them any accommodation.

I would do this but also make it very clear that this will be the last flight that will be covered.