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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay their air fare

283 replies

rookiemere · 30/07/2026 07:28

Please if you recognise me don’t out me.

I am an only DC, after a tough year of hard decline from dementia, both DPs are now in a care home close to me. It costs a lot, but thankfully DPs have amassed a lot of savings so I worked out the other day that they can afford it for around 8 years for both of them - they’re 92 and 87 respectively in poor physical health as well, so this should be enough.

The dilemma is this. DF is from another country originally. He is very generous to his nieces my cousins, because their DF died early under unpleasant circumstances. He has offered to pay their fares, 2 of my cousins have declined but one has made it into an annual trip with DPs covering the air fares, bringing along her DH and staying for too long periods at our house. They aren’t ideal house guests so DH put his foot down and said they couldn’t stay for an extended trip again. Accommodation where we live is expensive.

So anyway last night I got an email saying they were thinking of coming over and when would be convenient and what B&B could I recommend. No mention of air fares, so I thought maybe I should say that as the care fees are so expensive DPs can no longer cover the air fare. TBH I don’t think they should even be asking, but I suspect the trip will be unaffordable for them if they have to pay for somewhere to sleep and flights.

I know DF would get some joy from seeing them, and to be fair to my cousin she is very fond of him and he’s almost like a substitute DF in her mind. Technically DPs could afford the flights, but I need to be responsible with their money. I thought I could maybe suggest a contribution of £1k which would help with the fares, but not fully cover them.

DF thinks I shouldn’t mention it and make them ask if they want it. I think that’s coloured by the fact he finds the DH very difficult to get on with and feels they are grabby - as do I to be fair. He says it’s my money, but it’s not at the minute it’s very much still DPs and I am just enacting their wishes.

So AIBU not to offer the money when it’s been paid for in the past ?

Apologies if I respond periodically as going into work shortly.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 30/07/2026 07:57

No, your parents need their money for their care now. I’d use the excuse as above that with PoA you need to legally account for all expenses. If it were a one off it would be different but it will be annually until he is gone (or that is likely to be the expectation at least). Given they are in care now, this is a good point to reset expectations.
Give them the air bnb details, don’t mention flights and if they ask, say you can’t pay.

Original poster
rookiemere · 30/07/2026 07:52

@GingerAndTheBiscuits yes DH thinks we shouldn’t mention it and make them ask for it.

I guess to cloud the issue my DPs have been financially generous to us and continue to give DS their DGS an allowance whilst he is at university.

However to counterbalance that my career took a huge hit during the time they refused to acknowledge their growing care needs I and laterally due to a bit of a breakdown DH had to cover the gap, and I was out of work for a period, now working part time in a minimum wage job when previously I was a professional. So I don’t feel too guilty about money flowing down to DS.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 30/07/2026 07:43

If there is an historical pattern of paying for this flight, it should not be seen as deprivation of assets. I wouldn’t suggest it though and would wait to see if they ask and broach the subject then. A contribution is a reasonable suggestion. The niece is presumably now an independent adult who can save and budget for flights.

Original poster
rookiemere · 30/07/2026 07:43

Argh conflicted replies already! DF would recognise them and get some joy from their visit.

@Toohoottoo yes my concern is we’re setting a precedent although tbf at 92 with poor health, it’s unlikely to be a long term issue. I believe they see their UK trip as an annual visit and what rankled me last year was my cousin saying she would have to work extra shifts to cover the costs when DPs paid for their air fares and I covered accommodation and most meals.

When DF passes, the gravy train will stop that’s for sure but for now it’s tricky. DM is younger so technically could live longer, both of her DPs died in their 90s but her health is very poor and once it’s down to one person the money stretches out for a lot longer. So yes they can afford it at the minute.

OP posts:
LivingTheDreamish · 30/07/2026 07:42

Put it this way - would you take money from your parents for air fare at this stage in their lives? I suspect not. So why should they? Just explain about the care home fees. End of conversation.

Toohoottoo · 30/07/2026 07:38

Do you have power of attorney for finance and property for your parents? Do they still have their mental capacity?

You need to be careful as large gifts like this (airfares) can be viewed as deprivation of assets. Even though you say there are 8 years left, one or both of your parents may outlive this and will need extra financial help. There is a 7 year rule for gifts which may be voided if your parents live beyond that time, but would your cousin want to see them on an annual basis?

theresnolimits · 30/07/2026 07:36

I am assuming you have POA? You are now responsible for managing DPs’ money and should they run out, their finances will be scrutinised in depth for deprivation of assets. I’d just tell them this and that you have to keep expenditure to the minimum. Say it’s a legal requirement- it is.

If DF is as important as he thinks, they’ll make it work.

Elderly parents can live much longer than expected and care home fees go up and up. I have personal experience.

ACynicalDad · 30/07/2026 07:35

Although they are CFs, it is his money and his choice I’m inclined to say keep it going whilst he has a chance of recognising them. If they don’t visit him much or stops recognising stop it then. Arrange other grounds to stay for a weekend once they’ve been with you a reasonable time period so book return tickets to match.

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