Sick of my wife’s temper

Sleep should be held back as a reward…?

The response to this thread is because whilst he appreciates she has it bad at present, she’s had 4/5 nights rest in the past 42 days, he responds with I ask her if she wants me to help, I take over when she loses her shit (well done 👍) we discussed her going back to work but she knows that she’d just have a job added to her current workload. His language suggests he thinks the parenting of their child is her responsibility in its entirety and he will only step in if offer of help is gratuitously accepted or she losing her head

How is it shared in this case. Point to what he’s said. He takes over only once she’s snapped. He’s offered to ‘help’ it’s not helping to do your share of the work. If anything it is she that helps him. He says he doesn’t do the cooking. He admits to the times he’s there on the weekends he allows her to lie - in because she’s been up all night.

as far as I’m aware a SAHP is a joint decision. You can’t just say to your partner I’m not working now. It has to be discussed and agreed. I gave up work. I understood that all household chores are now mine and mine alone. Parenting though was always 50/50 when both parents present. I would make sure pack lunches and school admin was in order. But since bedtime and tea time are so close to each other in time. It’s unfair for sahp to do dinner, then bath, read story, settle the child for bed & then come down to tidy up, wash up, prep lunches then go to bed with no down time, get up for screaming child x3, for child to be up for day around 6am, working parent may or may not be up, but that’s the start to their day whilst they’re toddlers. Compared to working parent. Gets up, gets ready, gets stressed commuting, start to their working day, get home, eat dinner, play with kid, kiss kid goodnight, goes downstairs and watches Netflix. Day over be 7pm.

both would have had significant stress throughout the day. But if one parent doesn’t have to stress about the dinner, the washing up, the laundry, the shopping, the kids keeping you up all night etc. it’s a massive benefit to them as well. It’s ignorant to think the only benefitting partner is that of the sah

It does sound an extreme reaction.

I have had bouts with extreme exhaustion - two house moved 8 months apart with baby and toddler and then three pre schoolers with DH working away for weeks - and it does fuck with your head but one child and some support from OP seems very OTT.

If she not herself- HV and GP - would be first port of call - pnd could still be there or thyroid condition post pg are common and lead to extreme triedness which could be making night waking unbareable for her.

Otherwise would she accept something like home start support - or is it possible some paid for childcare - so others have eyes on child gives her a break.

I have some experience with this. When my son only slept 4 hours a night (11-3 every night - autistic and now medicated with melatonin) I was a very angry and depressed person. It put so much pressure on me, the lack of sleep, the lack of free time, and I was full of rage and it affected every area of my life. This went on for 2.5 years before we were allowed to try medication.

Obviously the extremity of my situation may not be applicable to everyone as there are medical issues involved, but the lack of sleep can really affect the human brain.

I don't think she needs anger management, I think she needs support with the sleep deprivation and some time for herself. Now my son sleeps a bit better (around 7 hours per night) my life is so much better, I'm happier, the smallest things aren't causing me to drown, my relationship is better and I'm not angry at everyone.

It's a tough time, but work together and you'll both get through it. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture - it really makes you go insane.

This x 10000000

What if she had a few more kids and a job to go to?

The responses on this thread are absolutely batshit. We're all tired, it doesnt give us a pass for shouting and bullying others

I’ve been in her situation. Having a newborn tiredness is nothing in comparison to a full on energetic toddler who has you up constantly in the night. You aren’t just tired. You’re past tired you’re in a state of fight or flight.

OP, have you considered changing your job to something more family-friendly so you don’t have to travel and have shorter working days, so can take on your fair share of the parenting?

Whilst I understand this may come with a pay cut, surely your wife’s mental health and your child having a present father is worth more?

Yes. Her behaviour should totally be rewarded. Great suggestion.

If you can afford it I suggest booking her a few weekends away (Fri-Sun) in a row at a nice spa and hotel where she can catch up on her sleep, while you look after the kids.

You should also consider buying a cleaner / childcare so she gets regular breaks in the day.

His whole framing has been shocking. Sick of her bad temper. SAHM mom by choice. He discussed going back to work and she said she just couldn’t do that on top of what she has to do home, I help if I can, I step in only when she’s completely lost her shit & she’s had a weekend away and he got up with him last weekend as if it justifies his lack of support. Yeah mate 4/5 nights sleep in 42 nights isn’t going to see her energised anytime soon.

This is the problem. You don't offer help as if you're doing a favour. Just do it!

My husband would think I'm mad if I 'offered help' with the kids. We'd say something like right, 'it's time for bed', or 'bathtime, kids'.

I think it's a bit unreasonable to jump to anger management - although always good to have extra tools.

To be honest, I totally understand the sleep- deprived middle of the night RAGE. It's unimaginable if you have never lived through not sleeping a full night for X number of months/weeks/years!

The difference is that it can be internal rage (expressed to my partner before/after handling baby). If you're saying that you worry for the safety of your kid, then that's different. You need to step in and take over completely until she's safe to be around tge little one.

From a mother who hasn't slept a full night sleep in 6 years- I'm talking being workem up 3/4/5 times most nights (yes, I feel/look like I've aged 20 yes in that time)!.

Well said. My son wasn’t a sleeper full stop. This woman is literally not getting the bare minimum for the position she’s in.

Suggest she makes appt with gp
Gp can go thru depression questionnaire and make sugfestions
If ypu want to solve things get some sessions with a family therapist
Rather being "sick of wife"

Reframe it as concern for your child and concern for potential break down of family and look for support
Do you want this solved?
P s
Dont call her at bedtime send msg to ask when is good time to call

How do you know why she is at her wits end? Maybe she just regrets having a child.
She’s a stay at home parent of ONE toddler. Maybe she is a short tempered person who enjoys being the boss, bullying and doesn’t like being put out. Plus being tired, aren’t we all tired while raising small children.
There isn’t a big difference at all between a mother who scares her toddler and one who uses manipulation tactics. Who’s to know how DM will behave as the child grows as she’s already resentful.

How many men use the excuse of being tired or stressed for the reason they snapped and abused a child?

There is never an excuse.

If you’re at that point then you put your child in a safe place and go and lock yourself away for 5 mins to calm down.

This woman has always had a temper - it’s not PND or something that has suddenly appeared through sleep deprivation.

As parents we have all done things we’re not proud and have probably all shouted or cried during the worst sleep deprived times but only as a one off.
This behaviour is ongoing and escalating.

This woman gets lie ins, gets breaks to go to the gym, she gets to stay home all day and not have to worry about meetings and deadlines, she doesn’t have the worries of paying bills etc.
She’s not a single parent who is at maximum capacity.
Toddlers are hard work but she has absolutely no excuse to behave this way.

I completely agree.

There are many SAHDs and if someone posted that they were losing their temper like this then posters would be saying how wrong it is, not blaming the wife and perhaps even suggesting contacting the police.

I can’t believe there are posters falling over themselves to excuse her behaviour.

It’s concerning because if they think this is acceptable just because the mum is tired etc, then what does it say about their own parenting.

It doesn’t matter what we think, this woman is barely functioning and in dire need of support. What do you know about her? Nothing. I hope op has decided to step in and start parenting and supporting her.

No there isn’t.. To a child it makes zero difference as to why they are being treated in this way, the results are the same.

Hard disagree. Is it ok that a child is abused if the mother “can’t help it”?!

I think you are right to be worried. I don’t agree with the posters insinuating it is your fault. No matter how sleep deprived you are you should not be screaming at a toddler regularly, and if you do that you have no one to blame but yourself. It is child abuse. However, I do think that the answer is stepping in to do bedtimes/nighttime, if only to protect your child. And keep a diary with evidence, in case the behaviour escalates and you need to make a case for custody of the child. Good luck, it is an exceptionally difficult situation and I am sorry for the unsupporting (and frankly abuser enabling) reactions you have had here.

LTB. That would be the advice if the genders reversed.

There is a big difference between an emotionally abusive mother who will often use manipulation tactics and be quite insidious with how they put their child down and/or refuse to meet their needs and a woman who’s at her wits end from sleep deprivation. The latter is not abuse.

This.

Does she take any contraception with progesterone in it? I had periods of rage while using progesterone based contraception and it stopped immediately when I stopped using it. I suspect I am progesterone intolerant, it can cause irritability and intense periods of rage in 10-20% women.