Sick of my wife’s temper

Why are you so desperate to make him the bad guy when the only person who is doing anything wrong here is the wife.

Giving someone a lie in is literally an expression.
It doesn’t sound like he gets many chances to lie in but he did lie in, then yes the wife would be giving him a lie in.

And you’re correct, she’s not fit to look after her child. I’m glad we can at least agree on that.

A job can also be disastrous for mental health.

I agree the suggestion that OP should just drop his job and find another is ridiculous too.

If the wife isn’t coping with bedtimes how is the added pressure of working going to help, especially if OP is away.

She needs more support, therapy and medicating IMO.

i don’t think it’s ridiculous a job can be great for one’s mental health . Ridiculous people suggesting the one earner in the household should find a new career . Just such bad advice on this thread it’s unreal

That’s you . Other people find it fine . It’s so dramatic to call cooking a meal the biggest job in the house .

Bit unfair to poster. She is a SAHM so can nap in the day.child slept till a few weeks ago so not a lack of sleep issue. Sounds like he has offered to help.
Why does a working husband have to do night waking when mum is at home, then do a days work ?

Ridiculous that people are suggesting she get a job when she already isn’t coping as a SAHM. That’s really going to help the situation.

You can’t hold his job against & you can’t blame him for ringing at the wrong time but what you accuse others of you’ve done yourself. Call SS you don’t think that’s extreme? Especially when he’s done so little to try and alleviate the pressure from her annd you’ve also hugely inflated his contribution. He still sleeps while she does all the night wake ups and takes over when he gets up in the morning. 6 weeks is 42 days and he’s admitted to getting up in the night one weekend. He then quickly says but we went away just the 2 of us a few weeks ago. So she dealt with this alone and with broken sleep for 38 days. His solution to this is to offer his help. When the truth is when he hasn’t got work the next get out the fucking bed and do the night shift especially when you have the luxury of a hotel bed in the week. Don’t ask just do. He doesn’t do bedtimes unless it escalates and doesn’t cook dinner either. He hasn’t mentioned household chores but was quick to say she goes to the gym a couple of times a week. I’m sorry it is cause for whoopie do what a lucky lady, that a married lady who’s essentially a single mom
a good chunk of the week gets the grand total of no more than a couple of hours a week to herself

He doesn't say if she takes the child to the gym with her.

He 'gives her lie ins' ffs are you joking? Do you mean sometimes he parents in the morning for a bit?

If he's worried his child is being abused then he doesn't leave his child with her. That's what a woman would be told, go home and take care of your child, he's not fit. So he should go home and take care of his child, she's not fir

In the thread he didn't ask what they could change as a family

He didn't reflect on their situation

He didn't question in any way how or whether he could contribute to a solution.

Of course not because he’s not the problem - his wife is.
She is the one with the anger problem.

He gives her lie ins, she goes out to the gym, he asks what else he can do - and for some posters this still isn’t good enough because they think he should be working FT and taking on the majority of parenting, whilst she sits at home doing nothing.

If the sexes were reversed then posters would not be telling the working mother that she needs to do more over the SAHD.

And OP has to work, it’s the only income they have - if her temper is this bad, imagine what it would be like if they couldn’t afford the bills.

Saying he shouldn’t go to work is ridiculous and childish.
He needs to work.
She has obviously never been this bad and he says how her behaviour is escalating and this aggressive behaviour is what triggered him to start the thread.

Even then posters blamed him for ringing the poor wife and waking the child, even though he said she’d put the child to bed early.

If I was him I would have rang SS and kicked her out of my house but he seems a bit too soft and therefore chose to get advice on MN first.

I don’t think he should leave the baby alone with her again and I think she needs to go back to work and him SAH.
It’s just not worth the risk.

My son as 3 before he slept 5 hours straight and again it was 1 night, prior to that he was up at least every 2 hours and I had another baby who breastfed through the night. A year is what people expect, 2/3/4 + years is a reality for many.

However not everyone has the same resilience and for some a year in a unsupportive relationship doing lm the parenting is too much.

And if you were away with work and thought your husband was home abusing your child what would you do? Because I wouldn't be on mumsnet I'd be heading home

@Velumental
He's away with work.

If she can’t control her temper, then she needs to take action. GP or talking about it.

Babies are hard work - but it shouldn't involve all this.

Man or woman - we all need to just get on with the difficult times. 🤷‍♀️

If you are genuinely concerned why are you posting here instead of going home. Frankly she sounds exhausted and overwhelmed and you calling and disturbing the child, meaning she needs to do it all again but now it's even more difficult because the child has been woken up and upset and yeah she's snapped. Does it make it alright? No but it is understandable. If you was concerned she would hurt him or herself you'd been in the car on the way home straight away after you called someone close to home to check in on her or the police for a welfare check if there is nobody, that tells me you aren't concerned. Text before calling in future.

The thing is, many people do survive that. I had twins and for the first year, the longest sleep I had was 5 hours - just one night only. The remainder, they each woke up two or three times and I did it all as my husband was working 12-hour shifts, but as I wasn't working, I could nap in the day when they napped. You find ways around it. There is just no excuse to lose control and scream at your toddler for not sleeping.

I totally agree. If my DH was a SAHD and I believed in a MH crisis or I believed my DC were at risk I would be taking time off from work to support them if necessary. Suggesting anger management courses, that would focus on getting enough rest, makong sure support was in place and avoiding triggers are inappropriate in this situation.

He started this thread

In the thread he didn't ask what they could change as a family

He didn't reflect on their situation

He didn't question in any way how or whether he could contribute to a solution.

He stated she's angry, he's worried yet he's gone away on business and left her, thinking his child is home being abused.

No shouting at a baby is never ok, I never shouted at my non sleeping children, she does probably need some help with her mental health.

My problem is with him starting this thread complaining about her parenting when if he's genuinely worried his child was being abused and considered himself 50% responsible for the child he wouldn't be away for work.

If my husband was in danger of abusing our children I wouldn't go away on a work trip and leave the children with him. I'd have to be insane to do so.

Imagine if a woman started this thread, people would be aghast shed left her baby with him. Rightly so. People should be aghast he's left his child with a wife he states is abusive

Yes unless he is going to be doing 50% suddenly a job would only make things even worse.

I was there too, people think of sleep deprivation as just tiredness but constant chronic sleep deprivation, where 3/4 broken hours is a good night and even that is frequently disrupted, is torture. It ruins your mental health, puts you in constant survival mode and makes life unlivable. I had 6 months of counselling once the children's hospital and neurology accepted how bad our situation was and started medicating for seizures and sleep disorder and I almost had a breakdown trying to come out of what had been 5 years of survival mode. It's indescribable unless you've been through it

I think it is unfair to suggest things will be easier if the Mum gets a job or that she wants to be a SAHM. She has stated it would be hard to do this with an absent partner. Presumably even if OP's wife worked she would still be 100% responsible for nursery/school runs, sick days etc. I think it is actually easier to be a single parent than to parent like this.

I think if a female poster said they were worried said dad was losing their temper with their child, but then revealed they were in a hotel elsewhere leaving the dad to parent alone at least some people would rip them to shreds for that. Particularly if, despite not liking the dad shouting at the toddler, they left them to do the putting to bed and night wakings most nights.

I actually don't think the man posting is evil. But I don't think the mum is either. It isnt the same as a man/woman getting angry because their "needs" aren't being met where the needs are sex, or a hot meal on the table each night. Sleep is something you literally die without, and it causes general measurable psychological issues including impaired judgement, derealisation, depression, loss of temper, audio hallucinations, visual hallucinations, suicidal ideation, organ breakdown and death. Clearly his wife is struggling with sleep deprivation, possibly also depression and that isn't something you can will your way out of. It's not acceptable for either parent to allow this continue because it will be having a negative impact on their child. The obvious solution would be to change how nights are organised rather than jumping to LTB.

He's currently working and doing hardly any parenting.

When you have a sahp family the employed parent works outside the home, while they are out the sahp takes care of all parenting and cooking and cleaning in the moment.

When the wohp comes home the rest of the household work is split 50/50 so everyone has the same working and resting hours.

Otherwise you have a parent, usually a woman, working 24/7 and a man who never has to think about anything but work and gets to only have any responsibility between 9-5on-fri

Do you think this might be part of the issue?

Most people would say cooking and shopping are the two most boring and repetitive and unrewarding jobs in a house - I hate cooking and would find it difficult if I was told to do it EVERYDAY

I think the reason this thread has caused such a reaction from me is I’ve been in her position also. My son would go to bed as sweet as a nut at 7.30, but by 10 he was up & that could be for 10 minutes or 3 hours, he’d eventually fall back asleep to only sleep 2 hours at a time. To which by 6 am my oldest would be up and raring to go. I kept a sleep diary & came across it about 8 months ago and on a good night I would get 4 hours of interrupted sleep & I even marked it with a happy face, but it doesn’t end with a bad nights sleep, you then have to contend with a toddler who is so overtired all they do is cry and act out all day & will persist with the anti sleep protest when trying to get them to have a nap.

i was so irritable and quite frankly emotionally numb. It’s not a case of being tired it literally is sleep deprivation