Sick of my wife’s temper

Is your DH being left to parent alone a significant majority of the time, deal with all bedtimes with a difficult toddler and be the only one to wake with the toddler in the night?
Not sure why you would think someone else’s thread would apply to you. If you want advice or feedback make your own thread.

I clicked this thread as I'm concerned about DH shouting and losing his temper a lot. It's caused all kinds of stress and upset in my house and makes me dread some elements of home life. It's interesting to me to learn that this is simply his needs not being met and I need to step up and help him more. Thanks MN

Do you mean he has continued in the job he had after the baby? Are you talking about the fact that the mother has to look after the kids while he is working?

There is clear evidence that the OP is emotionally and verbally abusive, as he has left his exhausted wife with a child he has stated is extremely full on, knows full well she is being tortured from weeks of lack of sleep, is fine with leaving her in charge as he is in no way afraid for his child, but came here to verbally abuse her and hope that those who lick the boots of men will line up with the himpathy.

So, he can go home now, instead of snuggling into a comfy bed in a hotel for a nice long nigh of uninterrupted sleep, after posting unnecessary and unehlpful comments about his wife, and give his tortured wife the sleep she actually needs to function as a human being.

Problem solved.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

There is absolutely no evidence that the OP is abusive. There is evidence he works long hours, probably to maintain the lifestyle they agreed to lead as a family.

He has expressed concern for the child's welfare numerous times.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

It doesnt matter how tired you are, if you are screaming at your kid and losing control, then you shouldn't have unsupervised access to them.

OP, you need to remove your child from the abuser and secure their safety. If she ended up seriously hurting your child, you'd never forgive yourself.

I don’t think people are. What they have picked up on is a parent explaining a horrible scenario where one parent has dealt with a shit sandwich solo for an extended period. He is lucky he can sleep undisturbed for a number of days in a hotel bed. Even if he didn’t get up at home he’d still be having interrupted sleep. He has every opportunity to recharge. He seems to caveat his lack of parenting (help, though it’s surely his duty when not having work the next day to do his fair share) with she’s had a few days off, she gets to the gym a couple of times & she refuses my help. When he’s home knowing that she’s done bedtime solo all week, he only intervenes when she’s lost her head. He must hear them. He must see the amount of time it’s taken and knows this is her reality all week and doesn’t just do it when he’s home. He should just take the role of bedtime and give her a break when he is home especially if it’s only a few days a week. Whilst they’re going through this tough patch with sleep, he should just take over the nights and have a lie-in when he’s not working. If he felt the deal of her catching a sleep in the morning such a great deal he’d more than happy to do it. He wouldn’t ask her he’d just do it

Correct. He is not actually worried about abuse, at all. He is just - as he clearly says - sick of his wife.

He's sick of her not silently and fully doing the entire job of parenting, alone with no help, with an extremely full on toddler. Sick of her reacting in an entirely predictable fashion to being left alone for days after having almost no sleep for weeks with a full on toddler.

Every single person slagging her off would be shouting too. Every last one of them.

He's not worried, because he wouldn't be posting from his comfy bed in a hotel room, he'd be posting from a petrol station on the way back to his wife and child.

Nah. Nobody is doing that. Everyone, including you, understands that being sleep deprived for weeks is literaly torture and everyone, including you, knows that they would be shouting after weeks of torture by sleep deprivation and being left all alone with a very full on toddler.

The only thing he has mentioned is shouting. Not great, not ok at all for the child, but you'd be doing it too.

Yep, you would.

The solution is incredibly simple. He goes home and lets her sleep and rest for two full days, no parenting at all.

Her behaviour will then be regulated back to a normal baseline.

And if at that point further intervention is required they can both go to counselling, and figure out what they need to improve about themselves. For example, OP can work on helping his wife before she is worn down to the point of hysterical irrationality by weeks on end of torture.

He's not in the forces.

Hope this helps.

The solution is simple. Instead of pretending to be worried, posting for himpathy and then going to sleep, OP can go home and give his exhausted wife two full days of sleep and rest with zero parenting duties.

Since literally every single human being on the planet would start shouting after weeks of no sleep with an extremely full on (in his words) child, she will then return to her normal frame of mind when she is no longer being tortured.

Then they can work on a plan together to make sure she is supported, attend therapy together, if required she can access anger therapy and he can address his own failings as a parent and a husband with the counsellor, and work on ways to improve himself.

But in the meantime, he can give her two days of rest. Because she needs it, and it is his job, as a parent, to ensure the other parent is not tortured into irrational behaviour.

"She does do the majority of bedtimes / dinners etc as I work long hours and travel a lot but I do try to pick things up at home when I can"

I'm afraid these are just excuses. When my children were young (toddler & baby), my DH worked away Monday to Friday, he was home for 48 hours or so every weekend, and he did all the housework (except for laundry as I managed to get that done), he tidied, cleaned, and cooked every meal over the weekend, then freezing portions of the leftovers for me to eat during the week when he was away again.

He knew that our baby would only sleep whilst on me, and that she'd cry if she wasn't being held by me, and that even whilst she slept on me, I'd be expressing milk at the same time, so I never got a break, never a minute.

My DH stepped up to do what he could, knowing that I was giving my all to motherhood.

He never once used his working long hours and travelling as excuses to shirk his responsibilities to the household @Seriouslyworrieddad

I don't think wives in the forces have an easy time tbh, for many reasons. But they do probably have a community, due to their situation.
OP's wife has a DH who works away a lot - and we don't have a lot more info. Does she have family around, a support network? We don't know - but these things make a real difference to women at home.
My own mum was invaluable to me when I was a sahm - I could, when things were bad, just go round to her, and have her support & I'm not sure I would have survived without that support.
Loneliness is epidemic amongst mum's with babies who don't have the traditional support of extended family - studies have been done on this.
I think the most telling thing on this thread is that the wife said she doesn't want to go back to work because "she'd have to do it all, plus a job" - I think this shows us just how much actual parenting the OP does.

@Velumental OP said she isn't?
Obviously she has to when he is away with work but that cannot be helped. She made the choice to be a SAHM, she doesn't want to work.
How do you think wives with husbands in the forces manage it?

Then why can't you see that the OPs wife shouldn't be shouldering 100% of the sleep deprivation?

@Velumental No - also a working parent the same as me. I refuse to be the "default" parent just because I am a woman!

Come off it, OP is posting and he has done fuck all about the danger his child may be in. That is not remotely acceptable and one of the many ways that many fathers need to up their parenting game.

He needs to take action.

I don’t think anyone is saying her behaviour is ok.

Posters are looking for solutions, and the obvious solution is for the DH to step up more with looking after his child, especially at night.

Partly because the mum sounds likely to be knackered and this may be the root cause of her temper, partly because that’s the quickest way to make sure his child is safe, and partly because he’s the child’s father and should be doing more than what he describes even if there wasn’t an anger issue.

Being tired isn’t an excuse for acting like this, it doesn’t make it ok, but it is a possible reason and he can fix that reason.

Still shocked at the number of posters excusing her behaviour towards a helpless child. It makes me wonder what the hell people in the UK are doing behind closed doors. It's not excusable to behave like this.

In his later posts he talks about her slamming doors and shouting at the baby.

The point is he's unwilling to see how he fits into that. Was your husband a sahd?

In our family we now have a setup where the days I couldn't possibly do pickups my husband wfh, the days he HAS to be in the office I work flexible hours. We've really lucky to have this but it took juggling and working out. And it took both of us.

This op seems to think parenting is entirely his wife's business

@Velumental Either my husband or my mum. My job is one where I can't have my phone on me nor can I leave immediately. Hence I am not primary contact.
Reading OPs original post he doesn't mention his wife screaming and shouting at the baby?

I've had to leave for a child having a seizure, a child having an asthma attack and to collect vomiting children, a child with headline and a child with chicken pox from nursery due to exclusive criteria. Who collected your babies and toddlers in these situations?

If I posted on here that my husband had been screaming at my baby when tired and slamming doors and ow as away for work but had heard my baby screaming on the phone while my husband shouted and screamed at the baby and my reaction was to make a mumsnet post asking if he should address his temper the response would obviously be 'go home and take your baby from this abusive man, work can wait' as it should be for this dad.

@Velumental What's the emergency?

Do we know if OP is in this country?
I've always worked and the only time I've been granted emergency leave was when my son burnt himself badly at school (accident in science).