Sick of my wife’s temper

YANBU for being concerned about your child and thinking that your wife needs some kind of urgent intervention.

YABU for thinking that the answer is purely anger management or that letting her catch up on a little sleep in the morning somehow makes up for weeks and weeks of disturbed sleep. The most urgent thing to fix is her sleep. You must be the one to wake up with your toddler for the next few weeks. In the meantime, while her body and mind recovers, she can see her GP for some antidepressants as a crutch for this sleepless time and referral for therapy if that is appropriate.

I don't think anyone here has said they don't care about the child.
What we are seeing is a mother struggling alone and a father who is not at home.
Father is the only one on this thread who can do something about this. Whether that's being there or doing more when he is there are our only options. If he does both of these and the anger continues then he needs to take other action to protect his child/help his wife deal with her anger.

What else do you suggest?

I think the point is if the child is actually in danger (and they could well be), he needs to get the fuck home regardless of the reason he is away.

The thread title is 'Sick of my wife's temper' not regarding his child's safety.

Men and women and Dads and Mums are very different in their behaviour and priorities why do we have to pretend they are the same?

You need to come down hard on her.

Tell her that she either sorts it out or you’ll be phoning SS and getting her help that way.

Parenting is incredibly difficult but I was a teenage single parent, with no help and so no lie ins or second income etc or even anyone to vent to but I never regularly lost my temper like your wife.

It is not an excuse and I’d be concerned for my child.

I would encourage her to stop BF, go to the doctor, get enough sleep and go gym etc but if this carried on for much longer then I’d be prepared to separate and restrict how often she sees the child.

She’s not abusing her child she is desperate.

Both things can be true simultaneously. And seem to be in this case. A small child being regularly screamed at, is being abused.

This.
You tell her you won’t be putting up with her losing her rag with your child anymore.
She needs to get a job, get your child into childcare and herself into anger management.

He said their child was sleeping through until recently though so that doesn’t make sense

Text before you call

Don’t underestimate the effect sleep deprivation has on any parents dealing with it. My kids are close in age and had horrendous regressions that lasted months on end. I was and still am on my knees, asked for support, never got it, it’s destroyed our relationship. She’s not abusing her child she is desperate.

I'm so sorry, this is an awful situ to be in.

The behaviour may be hormonal - does it change around her cycle? If so, she may have PMDD or severe perimenopausal/ menopause rage. There are treatments for these conditions.

If it's not linked to her cycle, she def needs anger management counselling and may need behavioural therapy.

What's fair to say is her behaviour needs to change irrespective of the cause.

Take time to arrange what she needs with her.

Keep doing what you're doing, it's a tough situ to deal with.

Sending you the best of everything.

For a moment I thought you might be my husband. But then I remembered that when I was close to fury this evening with our toddler refusing to sleep, he just came in and said you go for your run, I'll do it. And then when I returned, I'll do tonight's wake (recently we're having 1-2 hour wakes) as she seems to go off quicker for me. I won't let him, because he has a long drive to work and I worry about his safety (and how I'd cope if he died) but he will do every night that he's WFH/weekends.
My point is, you've got to just get stuck in and do it, not see it as helping her out. She's still carrying the mental load then.
I don't think it's possible to realise how utterly physically and emotionally exhausting constant sleep deprivation is, unless you've experienced it.
Practically, I'd suggest you need to alternate bedtimes so she's regularly getting evenings free. At the weekend she needs a good chunk free. If the sleep training doesn't work quickly, it might not be the right thing - though I totally get why she's trying. Would you/she consider bedsharing so that even if child is awake, the parent on duty is able to doze.
It is astonishingly wonderful how a childfree break gives me mental peace again, I remember that I do actually love my child, and am much more tolerant afterwards.

Perfectly said.

Just about everyone is ignoring the fact that she has apparently always had a temper.

Yes, I'm sure she is knackered. But this behaviour isn't all down to OP, it seems. And there's a tiny child being screamed at, which no-one here seems to care about.

We also all know that nobody would excuse a dad screaming at a toddler and completely losing the plot with them for not falling asleep regardless of the circumstances and then ringing up his wife to blame her for his anger and behavior by shouting at her while the toddler was crying in the background.

There may be a million things the op could do better, that doesn't make the wife's abuse of a toddler his fault and absolve her.

It sounds as though she is suffering the effects of long-term sleep deprivation - it's been 2 years! There is a reason it is considered torture under the Geneva convention.

You need to take over and give her several nights of uninterrupted sleep.

Will the GP parent their child a few nights a week?
Or should she be medicated before expecting a father to be woken from his sleep?

My ex was incredibly violent. I'm lucky to be here. And he would tell me it was all my fault for not meeting his needs. You really can't make this shit up.

I agree, don’t “offer”. Just get up and go to them.

Your wife is drowning after a year and you are away.
She needs support, rest and a complete break where you look after your child for a change, before she has a complete health crisis.

Get back asap and send her off to her parents or somewhere for a break.
Stop offering to help snd bloody do help.

Perhaps if you actually did some parenting you would have some idea of how awful she feels.

This
get her a GP appointment for some help.

It is obvious from OPs posts that mum has been without sleep for 6 weeks.
Most of us are mothers who can see how that would be for her. Especially now she has sole care of the child whilst her husband is away.
Nobody is saying it's the husband's fault. We are saying mum is on her knees and obviously desperately needs his full support now.

She'd probably be furious with him if he did. This isn't fixable with a hotel night, and she probably won't want to be away from her baby.

How old is your toddler OP? We had bedtime issues around the 2 year mark when ours needed to drop the final nap.

I think you've had some pretty shit replies and some MNers live in some fantasy land. You do need to keep your child safe. I'm not sure what the options would be with your work?

Go home to your wife and help her instead of talking to us.

Dealing witb sleep regression is absolute torture. Don't "offer hrlp" just help. Do helpful stuff. Try to have a conversation calmly about what you can do. Dont be critical but work out a way with her to share the load.