Sick of my wife’s temper

Sleep deprivation is awful but there is something wrong if she’s taking out her anger on the toddler. There were times I was going mad with sleep deprivation but still holding down a job and managing to not scream at a small child.

Basically it’s a sign she’s not coping and should seek some support from a health visitor or GP. Some people on here are such arseholes to dads. Realistically the OP is working, the wife is a sahm- he can’t take all the nights and lots of women can be their own worse enemies re not wanting their partners to do certain things.

Who would look after the child during the night? Does it have to be the next available female, his mother, rather than a father actually getting up with his own child?

I could have made it more clear, but long day, tired and off to bed.

Hollering at an innocent unsettled toddler in the night is disgusting.
No wonder he doesn’t sleep. He is probably picking up on her vibes.
Can you take him somewhere safe, to your parents for example if she refuses to accept responsibility and sort herself out?

Sorry! Wrong end of the stick.

OP says the child has been sleeping through the night until very recently and his wife has always had a temper. This isn't behaviour caused by chronic sleep deprivation. And, even if it is was, it 's not remotely acceptable for an adult to lose control and shout at their small child. If this was a woman posting, there would be plenty of advice to take the child away and not leave them alone with the abusive adult.

I'd personally say that was extreme and I suspect not what OP wants (although he may consider if he wants to stay in the relationship if he's constantly bears the brunt of bad temper). However, it definitely would be helpful for the OP's wife to talk to her GP, or help visitor or look into mental health support.

As well as what others have said regarding support/taking over some of the stuff to give her a break, from mine and close family experience two things may be at play:

1. I suffered extreme rage during perimenopause which resolved with daily high-dose evening primrose oil.
2. a close family member suffered greatly from rage and depression two weeks of the four-week menstrual cycle, which resolved with antidepressants.

Both of us had young children at the time and there is nothing to press your buttons like children, I have found. I hope there’s a way for you to find a job that enables you to be more present, it doesn’t work well for family life if a parent is frequently away. Fully get that’s hard depending on your situation.

From the op

"my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes."

"She then preceded to send me increasingly angry messages saying bedtime was a disaster and then called me shouting down the phone saying it was all my fault. I could hear our child screaming and crying in the background."

What did i add/embellish?

I suppose losing the plot may not involve screaming. I'd still say there's no non abusive way to lose the plot on a regular basis with a toddler whose crime is not showing

Edit to add: sorry substitute shouting for screaming at the child

"My main concern is the way she is shouting at our child."

I was responding to the earlier posts that were blaming dad, because he was away. Just read them, bizarre!

So what?!?
I don’t know why everyone is making excuses her. I feel really sorry for her child.

All his fault because he is away? Loads of people have to work away. How do you think military families cope when the husband is away for months on end. Its his wife's fault. He isn't responsible for her actions.

Exactly my thought. I hate the sexism and double standards on this site.

I don't think the screaming and shouting is ok at all. OP please look into seeing what support you can ask for if your wife is unable or unwilling to access this. Talk to your GP or any HCP as the first port of call about your concerns.

my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes.

The mother is struggling specifically with and during the night wakes which is why people are suggesting the first solution needs to be OP stepping in and actually dealing with his child in the night several nights of the week.
There’s not suggesting she’s screaming at her child all day long. She’s exhausted and frustrated and seemingly the only one having to do this 6 weeks later.

Unbelievable the double standards on here and no doubt if it was a woman posting about an angry husband the responses would be different. I think you both need a proper conversation but equally getting no sleep is tough so her getting cross about you waking your son up is understandable. Make sure you take your turn at night wakings.

Well put @Doubtanny

No, it's been six weeks, the kid has been sleeping through the night and only recently has been waking up.

I agree with people saying this wouldn't be tolerated of a man. I wouldn't be shouting down the phone at someone when DS was crying, I'd be sorting him out.

This Mum isn’t a single parent though, is she?

@Seriouslyworrieddad “My main concern is the way she is shouting at our child. I’m worried about the way she just looses control around them”

But it is all your fault because you are away.

There is clearly a backstory to this. You know your wife’s trauma or MH history. Could this be the cause and need addressing?

The fact that you are posting on MN is a cry for help from you. Talk to your wife, work together to get her the help and support she needs.

I have a sister that has real anger issues, she actually chose to not have children because of it.

That’s not what happened even in OPs description

I was a child whose mum was continuously screaming and shouting and basically being a shitty mum.
I have no contact with her and very little respect for my dad for doing fuck all about it. (He should have left and taken me with him)
I’ve also been a single teenage mum to a colicky baby who woke up every 90 minutes. Did I sometimes put him in his cot walk away and have a shower or a cup of tea.. yes. What I never did was scream at him in anger.
This is a full grown woman who has already admitted she needs to go to anger management classes. She needs to take some responsibility and speak to her GP.
This doesn’t sound like useless dad, he is at work and does the weekend wake ups.

Why do you put up with it? And not the i love her answer or for the sake of your child. She clearly cant handle motherhood well and gets overwhelmed easily.
I think maybe therapy could be beneficial for her.

Childcare and a job aren't going to help with sleepless nights.

I was just thinking the same thing! The responses on here are absolutely ridiculous.

She may be tired, have had sleepless nights etc but to be screaming on like a lunatic is totally unacceptable.

She absolutely is abusing her child
There may be mitigating circumstances but screaming at a toddler on a regular basis for going through sleep regression is abuse.

“Get enough sleep”
Do you think perhaps op is the key to that?