Sick of my wife’s temper

Worried himself into a slumber, Poor thing 🙏

Although, to be fair. He was probably completely clueless to the fact he was posting to slag off an overworked, burnt out mum doing all the parenting to mumsnet. Which is coincidentally, full of overworked, burnt out mums doing, majority of the parenting. This was probably, not the reception he was expecting.

Probably would have had much more support over on good old fb 😭😅

but I had to do most of the night wakeups whilst working full time and still managed to not behave this way towards my toddler.

Good for you. What a saint.

"offer help". You're not her PA, you're the child's parent. You don't ask if you can have a go at parenting, you just do it.

If you're not home where are you?

If you're concerned go home and parent, and I don't mean as in 'if you don't like what she's doing do it yourself' implying her shouting is right.

I'm telling you that's your child, stop him being shouted at by doing some parenting. Also you don't get to say 'you offer to help' a mum who has breastfed and this done all night wakes and literally donated her body to you baby.

If you're away for a having awhile she's struggling at home on no sleep you'd give me rage too.

Is this rage bait? You sound like you do nothing to support her with the sleep regression. Just because you’re away, did you lose your memory in regards to her sleep training your child? Obviously you could’ve engaged your brain first before calling her but no

What diagnosis would that be?

Any doctor with any sense would first look at how much sleep and how much food she is getting, check for iron levels and other vitamins, and if all those physical aspects were fine then think about post-natal depression.

I mean if thats indeed true that’s because men on the whole are proven to be the much more violent sex so uncontrollable anger feels like a different beast in men and women.

But also I don’t think they’d be quite so different if a mum was saying her male partner was primary caregiver/doing all the night wake ups while she worked away and was uncharacteristically angry at the moment.

OP, I'm so sorry about all the judgemental comments. You are right to be concerned. I can understand anyone struggling with poor sleep, but I had to do most of the night wakeups whilst working full time and still managed to not behave this way towards my toddler. Of course, occasionally anyone will lose control occasionally but they need to recognise that and take a step away. The health visitors should be a good port of call for support. You can phone them.

Why on earth is she doing sleep training solo? This is incredibly stressful and probably a sign of desperation. At the very least you can send her regular supportive texts telling her she's doing great, etc. Really it's best to do it when you're both around.

It sounds like she needs a break. As she is not earning, I guess you don't get any free childcare hours?

Also, by this age the child can go a day or two without breastfeeding. Can she check into a hotel for a night or two, or visit a friend? Or go for a spa day? She can pump while she's away to keep her supply going. She might not want to be away from the child but she needs to recognise that you are concerned for good reason for her welfare and that of your child.

One couple told me years before I had kids that toddlers and sleep deprivation can drive rage into the most gentle people - they suggested if you feel yourself feel like that you should walk away and if possible see if you can swap out with another care giver.

I now have a toddler and I'm a single mum and I sometimes feel really angry with my toddler when he won't sleep or hurts me, but I walk away and see if my parents can take over for 5 minutes while I compose myself so he doesn't see me lose it.

I suggest you talk to your wife about something similar. Say you're concerned for her and your child and can you step in more often if she feels like she's getting wound up. She should look into anger management as well and understand that shouting at or in front of a child is damaging.

OP @Seriouslyworrieddadwhere have you gone? Have you fallen asleep?

Or have you gone home to uncomplainingly put away the washing, empty the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, meal plan, get things ready for the morning and and sleep in the same room as your toddler now, so that he feels comforted and so that your wife isn’t disturbed?

Why were you away tonight? Are you often away?

You’re so right, he’s asleep!

Based on my experience I would suggest that your wife needs a proper 'diagnosis' before she does anger management.

Only that will address why she is angry.

I remember this time and it was stressful for me as a SAHM as my husband traveled a lot. He was very involved when there but sometimes when he called, as the only adult conversation and person who cared I sometimes was very frustrated and despairing to him. And yes, angry sometimes. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s upsetting your child when they’re together but they undoubtedly pick up on the stress. Do you listen to her? Validate her frustration? Support her? Does she have other support? Is she normally a soothing and loving influence on your son? Are you? Can you access support like a doctor or breastfeeding consultant?

I’d be really worried too if it was my toddler. The damage being on the sustained end of a shouting parent is something to take seriously. The SAHM arrangement is not working. Don’t offer help. Think up something appropriate and just do it. Your wife sounds miserable and burnt out. When you step up you’ll realise just how hard it is parenting a toddler 24/7. Can you get urgent time off?

Reset the relationship and let your wife go recharge her batteries for a few days? She is crying out for help. Your son needs you to step in. He’s only little and who else is going to ensure his home environment is meeting his needs? Anger management is all very well but if the stressors aren’t lessened nothing changes.

Speak to your boss tomorrow and get home asap. Herein never let it get to breaking point again. Notice the signs and take steps to lessen her load. If she gets a part time job make sure you do your fair share of housework, childcare and the rest (organising birthdays, Christmas, appointments, paying bills etc). When you do, don’t seek a medal and definitely don’t add the words ‘I did x for you’ - you’re meant to be a Team.

Going forward make time for you both as a couple. It will go a long way to repairing things if you ask your wife what else she needs from you. You telling her she’s a great Mum but clearly in need of a break and that you’re sorry for the times you weren’t there for them both, but you are going to carry much more in future.

The best way you can look after your son is making sure his Mother is loved, rested, seen and not carrying the majority of the strain on home front alone.

This is a very thoughtful reply and a good insight, I think.

No. Equating this specific set of circumstances to that of a man’s is sexist. It is sexist to not acknowledge the biological reality of this mum to a toddler, after 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, breastfeeding for a year and then 6 weeks of sleep interruption and sleep deprivation. That does not excuse the behaviour, but she is clearly under extreme stress and needs help which she is not yet getting.

Here is my 20 cents.

When I had small children I had PND and I didn’t have the capacity to research and find any formal supports because my depression impacted my initiation and cognition. I just felt so heavy. I responded to my children’s needs because I did that in a reactive way: nappy wet =change, hungry baby = feed him. I really couldn’t manage anything that involved planning or decision making. I think that more conversations with her need to be had. She needs ongoing support. Also whenever I found any thing I wanted to do for myself I didn’t have anyone to look after the children so I could never do it anyway. DH couldn’t understand why I wasn’t fixed yet.

Another thing is that when we went from one child to two my DH would “watch the toddler” to give me a “break’ but I always still had the newborn so I never ever actually got a break. He thought he was being helpful but he didn’t actually help me recover. So he was patting himself on the back and I was still exhausted and drowning. Also when you have one you get a mini break at nap time to do the dishes or whatever but with a toddler you are forced to be “on” all the time. Although I admit that I had a high maintenance toddler and a poor sleeping baby. DH also thought if he was around the house he was helping but he never actually offered for me to go out or seemed to do anything proactively. Just asking me if I wanted him to do anything.

I also (not consciously but on reflection I realised this) was more crazy and erratic when DH was there because I didn’t have to hold it all together because having another adult there made me feel like my kids were safe. Plus DH working away while I was so desperately falling apart made me feel completely abandoned. It sounds dramatic but I felt like I was so exhausted and alone and had no one to care about me. It was so difficult reaching out to friends because I felt like such a failure so I inadvertently isolated myself further. My feelings of anxiety were through the roof.

Oh, this is awful. You have to insist that this bad behaviour stops. Otherwise it won't. What I mean by insisting is that she has to go to anger management classes, and she should also go to her GP. She needs to put her money where her mouth is and phone the GP for an appointment asap. She needs to tell them that she has strong mood swings. I went on an anti-depressant for depression, but it also had the effect of completely smoothing out my mood swings. I had a terrible temper before the medication, and the med made it vanish. Some people say they are too flat on these meds, but for people who feel too much in the first place, it brings you back to a normal level. My med has made it possible for me to maintain perspective and not ruin relationships with my temper, and I'm so much happier and calmer. Of course, medication might not be right for your wife, but just be aware that problems like these can be a brain chemistry issue. I didn't even realise that that was the case for me until the meds made my anger issues vanish. Not just get less, but snuffed out. It was a physical issue.

If it helps, the thing I'm on is escitalopram.

You must INSIST that your wife takes action, SOON. This is really unfair on your child, poor little thing, not to mention bad for your marriage.

I wouldn't go away for at least three months after she has got help.

He’s asleep 😂 so worried that he’s falls asleep at a reasonable hour.

This is exactly what I thought when I read this. The double standards on MN are ridiculous at times.

I don't think OP is gonna come back,

Why are you away? How often do you go away?

As a solo parent myself I fully appreciate sleep deprivation. I've never had a break or night off and my son has health needs, and there have been times, I've "lost my rag" when people called and woke up the baby during bedtime. Might add, the anger was 100% directed at the caller, not the baby but the way this has been worded the post makes it sound like she's screaming at the toddler.

Also, why is your wife sleep training your toddler? Was it not a joint decision?

Whislt completely and utterly indefensible for your wife to scream at a toddler, it does read as though this is your wife's child and you step in to "help."

If you genuinely believe and are concerned that your wife is a danger to your toddler you shouldn't be leaving her to do the lions share of the parenting. You should take sick leave if you're away working and take the pressure off to see if it helps, and if it doesn't quickly, you need to call a doctor and contemplate supervising. There are way to many stories of kids being harmed and should the unthinkable happen you will also be to blame, as you knew about her anger and did nothing.

From my perspective, the title of the thread reads as "my feelings were hurt when I got shouted at" so I'm going to go online and feel better about it.

Facts remain, either do something. Or Don't. But expecting anything to get better because you told her she can't be angry anymore without changing anything at all is madness. We get angry for a reason, it's our job to work out why and fix it.

This is a great response, really thoughtful. Good advice.

As PPs have said, it is hard to parent a child calmly when sleep deprived, stressed and angry. Plus, the OP's wife is clearly not having a break or time to herself while he's away, so everything will seem magnified to her as she gets no respite.

But obviously this doesn't excuse anger towards an innocent child. I agree that for the poor child's sake, the OP needs to go home, take over, and speak calmly to her.

I also agree that some people are just angry, with a temperament that is easier to enrage but this should never excuse being able to shout angrily towards a toddler or any child.

Exactly.

Hahaha it’s funny isn’t it? Ask her to leave. But then he would have to parent, all day, every day. Let’s see how his temper is then.

She’s at breaking point and needs more rest and more help with the children.

What can you do to help get that?