Sick of my wife’s temper

Why? I’m a woman and travel both for work, and pleasure. Both are entirely possible.

OP could have clarified. And didn’t.

And yes, exhausted, sleep deprived SAHM, just stopped BFing, constant and relentless parenting… should get empathy on here. Anger is dreadful. But having been a mum not having had 2 hours of sleep in a row with a wonderful DH. And hallucinating and being clinically depressed as a result. I can’t imagine having a DH who didn’t. I have no idea what I would have done.

100% this.
Being a man, the OP was on a hiding to nothing, posting on here.

’Why are you away?’ Umm, presumably and unavoidably for work 😳

Yep

You are not remotely concerned about your children, or you'd be there with them, protecting them. No matter what.

You just want people to slag off your desperate wife, who you are neglecting.

Get back home and mind your own children for two full days. Let her sleep, insist she goes out and does absolutely NO PARENTING for two full days.

She will return to normal sanity, and you can then work out a much fairer and manageable schedule for her.

Problem solved.

Not meaning to make an armchair diagnosis and saying "it's this. But consider the possibility it might be. Especially if the "temper" is uncharacteristic and developed after she stopped breastfeeding (or cut back)

https://lactationnetwork.com/blog/13-signs-of-post-weaning-depression/

If she stopped breastfeeding recently she could also be suffering from hormone related depression. Everyone knows about postnatal depression, but stopping breastfeeding (especially if it's quite sudden) can also trigger a big swing in hormone levels which can leave you feeling absolutely awful. Combine that with sudden severe sleep deprivation on top and it's a recipe for disaster. (Hormonal depression also stops you sleeping/sleeping as deeply even when you can. So that's great).

None of which makes in "OK" to just shout at a baby. It's not fair on them and isn't healthy for their developing brains. But, it's not easy to think clearly and stay calm if you are sleep deprived (it's literally a torture method) and hormonal depression genuinely messes with your ability to think rationally/gain some detachment. So I don't think your wife is evil or anything, but if she keeps shouting at the baby a lot that needs to change. She needs extra help and that help would come from you first and foremost as the other parent. I get you said she acts like she doesn't need help. But if she is already drowning she probably can't rationalise that she should be outsourcing some stuff.

I would have a conversation but not from the perspective of "you are a bad mother letting the child cry". As much as from the perspective of "you are really struggling and seem unhappy." And then make a concrete plan to change how you do things eg you do more nights now she isn't breastfeeding.

Plenty of single mums and dads out there not screaming at toddlers.
No wonder the poor child can’t sleep, it’s probably petrified.
Sort your shit out and safeguard your baby op, nothing normal about this.

Is she breastfeeding? I found past a year the breastfeeding made my anger uncontrollable. Stopped. The anger was gone. (Peri is another matter but swings in roundabouts!)

No one was ever meant to be alone with small children without lots of people around to help and to take over. Our society has gone badly wrong I think. Could your DW go off and stay with family for a while OP?

The only part of this I am going to agree with is that it does not excuse the behaviour. Abuse is abuse - simple. You do not excuse it.

Broken sleep is an utter killer. Sleeping in in the morning does f all to assuage that. She needs clear time out. If after a solid period of her sleep not being interrupted, her not being completely touched out and perhaps her needs being met and she is still full of rage and anger then yes, she has an anger problem.

Haha I just said this too before seeing your post xD

Well fucking duh if she’s not sleeping.

Treat her to a long weekend away at the a spa and step up while she’s gone and when she’s back.

“Offer her help” what do you mean? They’re YOUR kids.
You shouldn’t need to offer her help so she has to micromanage you as well. If you see something needs done, do it. If she isn’t handling the nights, take over for a bit.

Pay her a week in a spa and stay home taking care of the baby. She doesn't sound like a happy stay at home mum, maybe you want to have a chat and encourage her to gi back to work and hire a nanny.

Is she generally quick to anger? Or just when she's sleep deprived?

I think you misunderstand the role of a Stay at home Mother. Having been one myself, let me enlighten you.

A husband of a SAHM shouldn't ever "offer her help", because he too is a parent. When he is not at work, he should be doing 50% of everything, parenting and household duties.

So many men think a SAHM is an unpaid nanny/cook/cleaner/shopper etc. and that they don't have to lift a finger at home because they "work full-time". Well being a SAHM and never getting a break 24/7 is really hard work, one we never get a break from when we have husbands who think they are being kind by "offering her help", rather than being a husband and a parent and simply DOING.

Buck your ideas up @Seriouslyworrieddad and take on your share of the burden, your wife needs a break. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason, because it is torture. No wonder she's losing it. Be there, be present and DO.

Shouting at the child is a massive, huge red flag.

There is no excuse in the world for that, no matter how much sleep deprivation. Verbal violence can cross over to physical real fast.

As the other parent, please do something. I was that child and I really wish someone would have.

If it was the dad shouting at the child nobody would try to excuse that.

There’s no excuse for anger, shouting and outbursts.

Would people be saying the same if it was the man acting in this way, flipping out around a young child?

I’m a child of a mum who behaved like that. Going 0 to 100, unpredictable, shouting. There were times where this did escalate to violence, eg throwing things at me, slamming stuff, and more. I was only little. These things are very closely linked if a person is not in control of their reactions.

Your concern for your child is justified. It’s not ok to be screaming your head off around a child for starters. She may need a MH assessment and appropriate support. All the child will take from this is that it’s their fault.

The impact on me personally has been that I parented my mum rather than vice versa as she wasn’t mentally in control. Also tried to be perfect and not do anything that could marginally upset her. Left as soon as i could and still don’t consider home or family places of safety, I loved school as there was no verbal abuse or random mood swings there, that felt safe for me. Had to grow up really fast and as an adult I walk at the slightest sign of raised voices or violence, I have no time for people that aren’t able to remain calm.

Monitor this but it’s not really ok for a child to be growing up in a home with mental or physical abuse, it makes no difference if the abuse is coming from the mum or dad. You can’t take your feelings out on a child that doesn’t understand ‘consequences of their actions’.

Not to mention the effect on mental health she could be experiencing from the hormonal changes due to stopping breastfeeding.

She needs more support from you, or get a useful relative to visit

Yes, you give her a break, you do late evenings or early mornings, let the poor woman have some sleep.

Why do you 'offer to help'? This is your child as much as hers. You are not doing her a favour by parenting your own child. It's your job. She cares for the child all day while you work. When you are both around, the night shift should be shared 50/50.

She has severe sleep deprivation. It's used as torture for a reason. Next time just get up and do the night shift without offering. Just share the load until your child settles and sleeps through the night again.

I'd love to know the timings.

She recently stopped BFing. Her temper recently got worse. The toddler recently had a sleep regression. You are recently away.

When did all these things happen and why are you away?

Anger is awful. But so is 6 weeks of sleep deprivation with no easy means to settle and no support.

You say your wife has always had a bit of a temper but admits it enough to go look into some anger management. This is really good, it's actually not easy to admit out loud that have a problem, let alone be willing to look for help.

You say you are worried about the wellbeing of your child. Is it possible that you are projecting this onto your wife, so much so that she feels like she has to take on every ounce of the care, to prove you wrong or to feel like she's a good mum? As a mum she must feel terrible to be judged, judged rightly or wrongly.

I don't think going away while sleep training was the best idea. I presume it was for work related things otherwise I'd like to think that you wouldn't have gone away when your wife is clearly struggling.

I think you should kindly be part of her team, even if you are worried about your child. Guide her into anger management, guide her to talk to her GP about being overwhelmed and perhaps depressed (depression can make anger much much worse) and take over the care properly, for hours, a day or two even to give her back a balance of being her own person and not just 'mum;. You say she doesn't want you to but that's can be the way with some mums, to be away from their child is hard, especially if not used to it. Enlist help of a good friend of hers or something, buy them some tickets somewhere so she can get out of the house, enjoy herself and distract herself from being a mum to a toddler all day long. It's really not easy to do.

If you are worried for your children’s safety, you need to go home. It doesn’t matter why you are away. If you truly can’t personally get home, you need to call someone else to intervene.

if in fact you still feel free to travel while this is going on, I would pike do the following

1. ask your wife to speak to her GP or other medical provider about ppd. If this is a personality shift, that is the most likely cause
2. get her rest. Not one night. Not on the weekend or when it is convenient. If she is overwhelmed, it isn’t optional. She needs time when she isn’t on call.

what you wife really needs is knowing that for a few hours, no one is going to scream for her. The first time it happens she won’t really relax, so it needs to happen more than once to start working.

that doesn’t mean she can go to another room and you will only interrupt her if you really need her, you need to take their children out or she needs to go out.

the first time I did this I just went to the closest restaurant and ate a meal by myself at like 3pm. It was amazing.