Sick of my wife’s temper

Breastfeeding made me very calm, relaxed. I did it for a few years because I loved the calming effect.

It creates hormonal Shifts:

• Oxytocin: Often called the love hormone, it floods the body during nursing to lower blood pressure, ease anxiety, and create warm feelings of attachment.
• Prolactin: This milk-producing hormone promotes maternal caregiving behaviors, deep relaxation, and a natural tendency to feel sleepy.
• Lower Cortisol: Nursing actively reduces levels of cortisol, the primary hormone responsible for stress and tension in the body

Yes, I had one of those too. It's a challenge, but the mother's responses (which admittedly we only know about from OP's description) suggest to me that she needs more than just a good night's sleep.

As you are aware, you would be shouting at your "extremely full on" (in his words) toddler after weeks of no sleep and being left on your own with no support for a week too.

That's not an excuse, it's just a fact.

The solution is extremely simple.

Instead of pretending to be worried, posting for himpathy and then going to sleep, he can go home and give his exhausted wife two full days of sleep and rest with zero parenting duties.

Since literally every single human being on the planet would start shouting after weeks of no sleep with an extremely full on (in his words) child, she will then return to her normal frame of mind when she is no longer being tortured.

Then they can work on a plan together to make sure she is supported, attend therapy together, if required she can access anger therapy and he can address his own failings as a parent and a husband with the counsellor, and work on ways to improve himself.

But in the meantime, he can give her two days of rest. Because she needs it, actually literally needs it, to stay sane.

And it is his job, as a parent, to ensure the other parent is not tortured into irrational behaviour.

Lack of sleep or otherwise, isn't an excuse to rage at a child. Could you speak with her when things are calm and approach GP/ HV for support or your local children centre.

The solution is far simpler. Instead of pretending to be worried, posting for himpathy and then going to sleep, he can go home and give his exhausted wife two full days of sleep and rest with zero parenting duties.

Since literally every single human being on the planet would start shouting after weeks of no sleep with an extremely full on (in his words) child, she will then return to her normal frame of mind when she is no longer being tortured.

Then they can work on a plan together to make sure she is supported, attend therapy together, if required she can access anger therapy and he can address his own failings as a parent and a husband with the counsellor, and work on ways to improve himself.

But in the meantime, he can give her two days of rest. Because she needs it, and it is his job, as a parent, to ensure the other parent is not tortured into irrational behaviour.

Agree that it's not okay for your DW to be losing it with the toddler, even if she's sleep deprived or depressed. As adults with responsibility for another, vulnerable, life it is absolutely on us to recognise that we're not coping and find a solution. It isn't acceptable to just keep going.

But also agree that the first thing OP needs to be doing is taking over nights for a week or so and then splitting them so DW gets enough sleep. If possible, refusing work trips until things are more settled. possibly taking parental leave and looking for a job that doesn't require travel in the longer term.

Once she's had some time to get enough sleep, have a long talk and see what else she needs, get her to go to her GP and get checked for depression and iron/vitamin deficiencies. In the longer term, if you can't get her into a place where she can control her temper, you may need to document things and make plans for trying to keep the child safe without her in the picture. Very hard though as courts reluctant to refuse unsupervised access to parents, especially mothers.

He is in the dad’s own words next level full on. She’s had 6 weeks of terrible sleep. She’s doing it alone. His contribution is an offer of help. She is struggling. It’s all good and well saying she shouldn’t be. I had a full on toddler boy who didn’t sleep. He wasn’t naughty but everything was full on in a way it wasn’t wth my firstborn. I remeber taking ages trying to install a stair gate. I bought one that required me to drill into the door frame 🤪 as it was the only one in Argos. Got frustrated with it but after a while got the job done. For my son to literally climb over the top and flop over it. He would take the plug socket covers out. He knew how to open the safety catches on cupboard doors. How to unbuckle his car seat, how to get out his cot. I bought him a bike that you could push, he would proceed to use it as surf board. If not quick enough to get him if he woke up you’d find him at the top of the stairs saying mommy catch as he’d jump from the top and I’d have to launch myself to get him. I often ended up more hurt than he did. All this isn’t naughty behaviour either. It just made my job at keeping him safe really difficult. Imagine the shock of watching your kid unbuckle himself whilst on the motorway and crawl into the front seat for the first time. Having to hope you can make it to the next junction and pull over. And move his car seat to the front of the car so you could stop him from doing it and spending the rest of the journey having to stop him doing his new favourite thing. To then finally getting them to bed mentally and physically done in & then he doesn’t sleep. When awake my son didn’t want cuddle time, he didn’t have screens or watch tv (his choice not mine because I could have done with it) if I tried sitting and reading a book he would push it away and squirm out my lap. I didn’t get any time to even sit down with it without him.

She isn't breastfeeding any more though and the child has slept through until recently.

So it's even worse that OP is sick of her behaving in the standard way people behave when they are suddenly sleep deprived over several weeks, instead of simply taking the child for a couple of days and giving her a complete break from parenting, before discussing their new plan going forward.

It would probably benefit her to get part time work and a carer for the child. It can drive anyone absolutely mental being stuck home with a baby/toddler day in day out with no break, especially one who is extremely full on, as described by the OP.

All perfectly normal! Yes we do loose out shit especially when sleep deprived. Have you been sleep deprived lately?
Perhaps stop bitching on here and go and support your wife.
She’s sleep deprived so don’t make her job any harder by ringing her.
she’s probably sick of you too.

I’m usually the defender of men on here. I think they get a bad rap. However, he needs to step up, I wonder if the fact she’s SAHM makes her ans him think it’s her job to do this? If so it’s wrong. There’s no time in the day to catch up on sleep, daytime napping is sufficient either. It’s not going to make up for weeks of not sleeping. He should tell her to ring him if the phone disrupts his sleep.

@littleblackdress26 Nothing - nothing - justifies anyone killing their own children.

Just seen a post of a mum who killed her three kids and was struggling ,step up.

Seriously? You will get up in the morning is what you do and the past weekend you did the night shift but usually on offer to do them. Step up for gos sake. Her catching an hour or 2 sleep in the morning isn’t going to make up for a whole nights lack of sleep she’s endured solo as far as I’m aware 5 nights a week & that’s if she lucky. You say you’re seriously concern but you do no more than offer to help. Yes she’s a SAHM what difference does fhat make? She still only has 24 hrs in a day, she still has to function the next day. If anything she’d probably function better working because if she ain’t sleeping neither is your son and do you know how tired babies behave? She’s not getting a break!!!!

it’s terrible but because you can get sleep in the week because you’re away guess what Sherlock. Write off your weekends because tag your it. If funds can afford it have a look at putting him into some kind of childcare for a few hours a week. Maybe 2 half days. So she can have a few hours off. Or ask family if they mind having him. My son was like your son & I was exhausted and my hubby didn’t help either because I was SAHM. He has since looked back on his behaviour & is genuinely horrified. Bedtime was a doddle, he would go down at 7.30, but then be up at 10, I’d settle him and then he’d be up at 12, settle him and it would be the same every 2 hours all night & then up for the day at 6. Even if I could drift back to sleep after each time (I couldn’t) it’s still not enough sleep, compound this for months and you’re literally exhausted. There’s a reason armies around the world use this as torture because it really is that horrible. So stop offering & bloody get up and do it. Apologise for not doing it before hand. She’s not just burnt out she is sleep deprived.

@NorthCoast500 There are ways around it. For example, my husband used to look after the baby on weekend mornings so I could catch up on my sleep.
I was an older mum with two other children, extended breastfed and worked as well.
We were/are also bedsharers.
The difference is my husband agrees with me, and supports me, in all of these choices. He steps up. He puts our daughter's needs before his own wants.
Our marriage has definitely been strengthend and not weakened because of it.

Her husband wasn’t perfect for sure. But equally it wasn’t his fault that the baby wouldn’t take a bottle and she couldn’t go out for an evening without the baby going fucking tonto. Yet she still resented him for it.

I know that people who are dedicated to the cause and sacrifice a lot really need to believe in the benefits. But on an individual level, when your mental health and your marriage are in the gutter, I promise you it’s not worth it.

Your child will be far better off formula fed with two happy parents, than breastfed in an environment full of resentment and unhappiness.

Sure the dad can and should do stuff but ultimately if the night feeds are all on you there isn’t much he can do about that (especially if he has to go to work the next day). Unless you think both parents should pointlessly get up and be in a fug of exhaustion for no particular reason..?

@NorthCoast500 Because breastfeeding gives your baby the best start in life and also helps to reduce the risk of a number of types of cancer in the mother (especially the longer you feed for).
You cannot argue that breast is best.
My husband was also fully on board with this for our daughter and his wife and so found ways to help. Of which there are many.
You say your friend "wrecked her marriage" because she had a breakdown. What did her husband do to help her? Apart from walk away maybe?

I think some of my feelings towards the situation depend on why Dad is away.
If he's unavoidably away for work (and he is solely financially supporting his family as she is a SAHM as he has said), then he's pretty limited in terms of what he can do. The bills need paying.
If he's away because he's on a stag do with his mates whilst he knows that she is/has been struggling then that's entirely different.

For me, it’s the breastfeeding. Why do some mums (and yeah it’s usually mums) choose to breastfeed
for extended periods, and then complain that they are unable to cope doing all the night wakings etc?

I breast fed for a few weeks. Then I switched to formula and my husband did half the nights. It was life changing and he loved those times with her, sitting in the dark, giving her her bottle.

My daughter is 12 now. Can you tell the difference between her and the breastfed children? No. No you cannot.

My friend wrecked her marriage with this. Insisted on breastfeeding so the baby couldn’t take a bottle or be away from her at all, and then just about had a breakdown because it was too much. Why? Why put yourself under that pressure?! It’s not worth it.

yeah I said what I said.

Nah.

"but recently it’s next level". Important word - recently. And next level apparently means shouting.

He's not scared, because of course no decent parent would leave their child alone with someone they thought was actually abusive. No matter what the excuse.

"We have a toddler who admittedly is extremely full on - for the last 6 weeks he has been going through a sleep regression and my wife has been completely loosing the plot with him during night wakes."

So, he's left her completely alone to deal with no sleep and an extremely full on toddler. One kid or ten - makes no difference if you can get no sleep and are constantly on vigil with an extremely full on child.

Easy fix.

He can return and give her two full days off for sleep and recuperation and getting right out of the house and he can do all parenting for two days.

And then and only then they can discuss the fact that he is sick of her temper. Not concerned for his son, not worried (as he would not be leaving his child if he was) just sick of her.

And then they can both go to therapy together, and if required they will suggest anger counselling for her and suggest steps which he can take to better himself.

I agree.

She is a SAHM mum with one child to care for who is, I think, around a year old. OP didn't indicate there were any special needs which made the child unusually difficult to care for. She shouldn't be struggling to the extent where she's constantly losing her temper at her child and screaming at her husband down the phone. Something more than a good's night sleep is called for. I would say therapy. Once they get to the root of the issues, they can start to make changes,.

Oh, and let's not forget the title of the post is "Sick of my wife's temper" and was a reaction to her many text messages to him, sent out of frustration and half crazed from lack of sleep, after he woke the child he doesn't have to care for.

He did NOT say "Worried about my kids" or "Worried about my wife's temper" nro did he offer a single example of anything she might have done when not half dead from exhaustion - he's just sick of her not quietly Stepford Wiving his problems away.

Anyway, I've told you how to solve the problem OP. So you should try that before begging for more himpathy.

I don't know how much sympathy you're going to get here, but as someone who was married to a man with a terrible temper, you have my sympathy. The problem isn't that things make them angry - we all get angry from time to time. The core of the problem is the irrational, uncontrolled, and frightening way they express that anger. One of our sons was so traumatized by my ex's outbursts of irrational rage that until he was in his mid-teens he had to leave the room whenever a character in a television show got angry.

The problem is, people with anger management issues are accustomed to using their anger to get what they want. My ex could storm on in an irrational fury until people gave in to him just to placate him. Their anger works to their advantage, so it's difficult for them to give it up; they can feel powerless without it.

Living with a person who can't (and doesn't want to) control their temper can slowly erode your sense of self-worth and your sense of normality, as you spend your life trying a) to avoid making them angry (impossible, as anything can set them off) and b) trying to get them to calm down, usually by groveling and apologizing even when it isn't your fault.

That's no way to live.

I ended up with terrible back problems from all the stress. My back problems cleared up the moment he moved out (left me for someone much younger)

If you and your wife are going to stay together, she urgently needs therapy to gain some insight into why she's like this.

Nope. Nobody, literally nobody, has suggested her behaviour is ok. Everybody with a normal understanding of consequences and reactions to literal torture is aware that she needs a couple of days of good sleep, not a husband who's away while she's run ragged and desperate who is posting here for himpathy.

Everyone normal and decent realises she needs sleep and a complete break from her overwhelmingly exhausting non stop role because that can literally drive people mad.

And once that is sorted, if she's still behaving angrily, that's the time for intervention.

The thing is that you (yes, definitely you) would be behaving erratically and shouting if you were being tortured by lack of sleep and no rest at all from constant supervision and parenting. We all would. That's a simple fact.

And he knows it too, but it doesn't suit him to step in and give her the support she needs and deserve, just to post here slyly hoping that women will carry the water for his poor parenting and cruelty as a partner.

But then, you already know that:)