Sick of my wife’s temper

You don't explain why you think doing some parenting is 'helping her' as if it's her job you're helping with.

If she's a sahp then it's her job while you're at work then while you're home it's both of your responsibilities.

Look at yourself and your own attitude then go home, ask her what she's struggling with, ask her what you can do to take on your share of the workload when home. Tell her you've noticed she's struggling not that you're annoyed at her behaviour.

And if you're worried for your child then go home. If you're worried your wife is mentally ill then go home. Your child is you're responsibility even when you're at work. What do you think parents do who both work? Many of us have had to go home from work events to deal with a parenting issue. That's what a sahp saves you from. Not from never having to do a night awake or take care of house work or cook a dinner.

Book annual leave or wfh time

Arrange for your wife to go to stay elsewere to get a break: free=family, cheap=seaside quiet caravan park, rich=a spa hotel

Research a therapist for her on "counselling directory" or "bacp" websites so she can have support. Pick an older (age50/60+) and experienced woman whos trained as a psychotherpist as she will have the most experience and knowledge to offer care to your wife.

Knowledge that anger comes from sadness and overwhelm - she needs support.

Does she attend any Mum & toddler groups or a womens wellbeing group? If not research what is in your area and present your ideas to her.

Does she have time to attend the gym or a fitness class regularly, maybe at this stage pilates or yoga for the added relaxation - again research and present your ideas to her.

Your wife is struggling which means your child is experiencing her struggling.

Those ideas above may help - provide her immediate relief and then ongoing support.

Hooe that helps, good luck to you all

My response wouldn’t be different if it was a wife saying her SAHD husband hadn’t slept in 6 weeks and she was tucked up in a hotel room bed getting annoyed at her fraught husband. When the reality is 6 weeks is 42 days, he works away in the week, he takes over when he wakes up in the morning (he’s sacrificing a lie-in)

so in 42 days she’s had 12 opportunities to catch a few hours sleep if she can actually get to sleep in the morning.

shes had 4-5 sleeps in 42 days and he’s getting annoyed with her because she’s exhausted. It doesn’t sound like she was like this pre sleep deprivation where his only solution was to offer help. Yes he deserves a little shit of people & whilst his situation isn’t his fault he can alleviate some of stress. He can always go to bed earlier and catch up on sleep when he’s away.

now if the mom was to write in I’d be telling her to calm down. Co sleep with him if it means you getting sleep if that means hubby sleeping in a toddler bed or settee then so be it. It’s a moment in time. I never did co sleeping and I’ve been where she is. My friend in the same situation did co sleeping and do you know how she trumped my argument about bad habits. What 13yo sleeps with their mom. They grow out of it themselves and hers did. By 5 he would come to her bed about 4am and then wake at 7. By 7yo he wasn’t going in at all

Absolutely - this thread really highlights the shocking double standards on here.

Sounds really difficult. It's worth appreciating she is at a really difficult place right now.

I also have a DP who has anger issues. I have found separating out the issues helps. There is the trigger for the anger and then the anger itself.

Try and tackle them both separately but at same time.

It would be easy for an evening chat to drop her a message first, she is having to be reactive, drop a message saying you love her and would be keen for a chat, she can let you know a good time to chat.

Then support her with the sleeping issue separately, try and stay emotionally intelligent and supportive, this sounds like just one of those things, it happens to many children, there are various tactics to try but it's hard.

Then with the anger, she has agreed to seek help about it, you can support her and help her understand her triggers better, I get stressed when I have multiple people demanding my time, I find verbalising that I'm feeling stressed and pressured helps.

I find outlining that "I love you but..." sets up a calmer conversation, tell her you need a difficult conversation, keep it away from the child, the child will add stress.

Good luck, remember you love her. Toddlers are challenging, but it will get easier.

Of course - man’s fault!

“At which point I have taken over”

why did you let it get to that point. Your wife is clearly exhausted. You get to go to work. You get to drive in a car without the extra
pressure of having the most precious cargo. You go to work and focus on work things. When you’re away you have your meals cooked for you. You get to sleep, undisturbed in a clean bed that was made for you. You get to wake up, have a shower, have breakfast, all undisturbed. Then you go home and wait for your wife, who hasn’t had a seconds break as she has been on duty the entire time, to reach breaking point. Can you see what the problem is here?

Too many comments for me to know if someone else has said this, but is she regretting the choice of being an SAHM? I wonder if it’s not what she was actually expecting and weather in fact she’s desperately bored. Maybe going back to work for her would be a good thing. Certainly, it doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying being an SAHM.

I really benefited from an anger course specifically for mums by Dr Caroline Boyd. It’s expensive but it did help a lot. I think it gets easier as they get older but best thing you can do is prevent sleep deprivation by taking 50% of nights

Then you need to go home. Take some time off and help her. Sleep deprivation is torture 😔

Send her for holidays/to her parents, etc. Take two weeks holiday from work. AND DO IT BY YOURSELF. 2 days later you'll be googling "am I going mental because I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep ".

The fact the post starts with "My wife has always had a temper" suggests that yes, she has some work to do.

I've no doubt that parenting and lack of sleep has made the temper increasingly worse, difficult to manage, and she is struggling.

As a grown adult she needs to express her needs, and find a way to manage her temper.

As her husband, try and hear those needs and help make changes so none of you have to live this this (your child with a angry mum, you with an angry wife, you wife completely overwhelmed and struggling).

I don't agree this is all on you OP, the changes need to come from both sides.

Why is he excused from night care for his toddler because he works? Most mothers also work and still have to get up in the night when their child cries.
I think most people in this thread just have a brain and can understand that having a toddler all day can be hard and exhausting, it doesn’t mean the wife should be the only one doing every night for the last month and a half like she has been.

Because OP literally said if. All you have to do is read.

I forgot to add as well, when you are back and at the weekends it’s time to say “I’m taking the child out for the morning so you can put your feet up” that will do wonders for her mental health and your relationship. Send her back to bed, pack the bag and a packed lunch and don’t come back until nap time! Tell your wife not to do any housework during this time.

Sleep deprivation can do this to people. As the child is a toddler they won’t need milk at night. It’s time to tell your wife that she needs to sleep. Buy her some ear plugs and insist you will take over the nights for a while. She’s probably declined in the past because she’s worried that the child will be upset and you won’t cope. Reassure her that you will both be fine. My child wasn’t happy when dad used to take over but once she knew that mummy wasn’t available she accepted it. And don’t disturb her whatever happens and she will soon trust you that you are capable of doing nights as well.

My main concern is that you say you are worried she 'loses control' and is shouting at your child - your child needs to stop experiencing that, one way or another. I'm sure she's well aware that she's not coping as well.

Ultimately, if you are really worried that she is losing control, then you will have to step in and look after the child whilst she gets the help she needs. There is no alternative - you can't allow your child to be subjected to that and would have to briefly stop working to take over. That is the extreme end. She's not fit to look after a child if she's genuinely not in control of herself.

I don't want to scare you but babies get shaken and harmed in those circumstances - she wouldn't mean to do it and would massively regret it - but it could happen. You need to treat it seriously.

Having said that, it depends on whether you are really worried that harm could come to the child, or if she is just getting a bit ratty because she hasn't slept. It's impossible for us to know the extent without being there. But do not underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation. I'm normally a very calm person but I've shocked myself by my short fuse in the middle of the night with a baby who wouldn't sleep.

On the gentler end of what might help -

It sounds like you are doing a lot but she is still overwhelmed, so maybe what you are doing is not quite right and you need to check in with her. Not in a 'give me a to-do list' sort of way (that can be quite triggering if she's carrying a lot of the mental load!) but in a 'am I supporting you in the way you need? How can I be better for you?' kind of way. A gentle conversation when she is relaxed, maybe after one of the mornings when she has rested. Remember it is about her and not you - keep the focus on her and try not to get defensive.

Do you think she would be open to seeking some support? From a health visitor perhaps in the first instance as they often have all the contacts and referral routes.

It sounds like she is struggling mentally - postnatal depression isn't only in the newborn period, it can absolutely affect toddler parents too!

I also recommend Alex Trippier on instagram, especially if you are a man (I'm assuming you are) - he has some really good insights and tips about what happens in relationships once you have children and how to navigate some of it!

Did this happen whilst you were in the house?

Or could you hear/see this via phone call/FaceTime?

If you were at home, did you attempt to take over the situation and settle your child instead?

Also, what is she like after these episodes of losing control? Is she remorseful? Emotional? Do you think she ever feels guilty and realises she cannot continue to act this way?

How often do they happen?

Hormones can take up to 6 months or longer to ‘level out’ after stopping breastfeeding. Did you know this?

Also, are you able to provide some context and examples of her “losing control” as you previously described her, around your child?

I imagine the weekend away was just another job for her to do. Your wife needs a complete break oo and must more support day to day. A weekend is really going to do nothing at all.

You are trying to make it sound like the issue is with her, but in reality everyone reaches a breaking point sooner or later. You need to go home, and really start to be a parent and a husband.

Most men are not burnt out and exhausted from doing 247 childcare mostly on their own for years! That’s why there are different responses. OP’s wife is clearly, very clearly struggling and burnt out, and OP’s ‘confusion’ as he gives her the odd lie in, watch is very gracious of him only serves to confirm he has no idea what she is going through, and rarely ateps up as a parent.

He needs to go home and give his wife a complete break, and then make a plan so she has much more support, if he wants things to improve.

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DW is not coping.
Shouting out of control at children is not fine; your DW needs to stop.

Take DC to the GP for a check of chest, ears, worms, pain to rule our any health changes that might be contributing to waking up.
Seek out a parenting course to do together.

Take a week off to be the main carer until your wife catches up with sleep and seeks help with temper. Catching up with sleep is essential.

Her choosing to take ten breaths and act calmly while consistently treating DC within appropriate boundaries is what is required.
Learning skills to keep calm is useful.