Sick of my wife’s temper

And why do we think that is?

Suggesting anger management for his wife rather than just helping her is diabolical

He isn’t breast fed anymore. In truth we’ve had 6 weeks of scorching weather she could try offering him some water.

I was coming on here to say that rage is an underrecognised symptom of PND, but actually I think the rage in this case is a reasonable response to a "dad" who is away a lot, "helps" when he is home (rather than parenting), and whose response to his partner's parenting burnout is to criticise her and go on yet another "unavoidable" work trip (if she becomes so unwell she is hospitalised, those trips will, I am sure, stop, for example). Her response to your question about her returning to work is very telling, OP, and I would really think about what you're bringing to this situation, and whether you're really sharing the load.

In a situation where one person works long hours in a full time job, and the other is a SAHP, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the SAHP to do most bedtimes.

I went back to work with non sleeping 1 year olds I work in healthcare, many women do, we still carry right on. Men seem to think they can't work and get up at night.

Yes, this!! My DC’s dad and I took it in turns to do bed time every other night. He would also take him in the morning for me so I could get an extra 30 mins in bed. When he was younger and I was still BF’ing, he’d had him for an hour or two before bed so I could chill upstairs, watch my programs and put on a face mask etc. you need to step up more OP. Sounds like you think you’re doing your fair share but I bet my front teeth you aren’t. Parenting a small child is often much harder than work! You don’t ’offer when you can’ you just do it. ‘Offering’ makes it sound like you’re doing it for her, when really it should be automatic as you’re a parent. Do better.

I think the big problem really is the overnights. One night of disturbed sleep/no sleep is manageable but every night becomes unbearable. I know people say sleep when your baby sleeps but it isn't that easy to sleep in the daytime for everyone. I used to work nightshifts and was able to do this (though it still took a toll on my health) but it completely destroyed my friend. Especially if, as he is a toddler now, he likely isn't sleeping himself. Lie ins are lovely and luxurious if you have a full night sleep, but can't replace that night's sleep itself. They can just make you more exhausted come the next evening for some reason.

If you are working full time it makes sense she does most of the toddler/house stuff while you are at workm but now that she is no longer breastfeeding I think it makes sense for you to split the nights more evenly now. I know you said she turns down help but I think you need to approach it more from an angle of "we need to split the nights more fairly. I can do tonight" than "I'm here if you need help darling". It might be hard at first of the kid is used to her putting him back to bed and she is used to being waken up by him (and probably a light sleeper) but you need to puch through that transition and not just stop when it isn't working because she wakes up anyway

OP speaking from experience here working away from home for significant periods doesn't work well for all families. My DH had to change jobs as I wasn't coping and ended up hating the lot of them and having constant thoughts of packing a bag and walking away.

What I couldn't get past was that he was having breakfast cooked for him whilst I was having to wrangle 2 kids every morning and somehow get myself washed and dressed while they would often start fighting in another room and he had every evening and night to himself whilst I had to do every bedtime and night waking by myself. There simply weren't enough hours in the weekend to make up for that imbalance.

I'm sorry if this is your dream job or something but it might not be possible for your family right now.

Why would he quit his job? He can do the basics of parenting like putting his child to bed or wake up when DC is crying and work, many many parents do. Working isn’t a get out free card.

You've not answered on who is doing your laundry and your dishes

If that man was a sahp, she was working long hours and travelling and he was getting stressed to this extent and afraid to go back to work as shed continue to do nothing I'd also tell her to wise up.

Your life should change when you have a baby. Yours hasn't changed at all while hers has changed beyond recognition. Does her gym have a creche? Does baby go with her?

If this was a woman posting about a man with would be all leave the bastard etc etc . I know she is stressed but she can’t be shouting at the child. She isn’t working and someone needs to bring an income in, the op can’t just quit his job or cancel work trips. I’ll be flamed for this probably but I think she needs to start weaning from the breast at night and let op give bottles for a proper break. Easier said than done I know but she is clearly worn out and something needs to change . He has offered to do the nights

When you’re there you need to be taking over. You do bedtime. You get up. You have the luxury of catching up on sleep in the week. You should go home with sleep ear plug not ask but tell her she needs her sleep and you’re taking over. Maybe book her in for a de-stress massage. It won’t solve the problem but it will show you’re listening (because in truth you haven’t listened, your offer to help instead of taking charge and making sure you’re out of bed before she can get up is what’s needed) for all you know she may have lay there hearing him and waiting for you to get up and when you haven’t the offer just pisses her off.

she could be sleep deprived but when she’s calm and talks about it I would bring up how her reactions are not helping get him to sleep? Maybe suggest co sleeping with him. If it means getting some sleep maybe having the comfort of his mom next to him will help him sleep better. She should settle him at bedtime in his own bed but if he wakes bring him into your bed. It’s hard to sleep train a toddler. Even if there’s 2 of you. She’s doing it on her own and she has little patience as a personality trait. It’s easier to negotiate with a 5 yo through bribery to stay in their own bed than it is with a toddler with limited ways for them to communicate.

remember this is just a moment in time it does end. I’ve been in your wife’s position. My son was the same. It’s taken so long to get him to sleep that it’s resulted in my sobbing in my own bed and screaming into a pillow when he finally settled. Knowing if I’m lucky he may sleep for the next 2 hours. Have you tried sleeping when you’re waiting for the next get up. You don’t. You stay awake waiting for it. You know that you’re going to be up. My husband was crap. I didn’t get one lie in or any help with a night shift. It nearly broke us up. It took my MIL who by all accounts is a big defender of hubby to actually take my side when she stayed over and witnessed my average night did he listen

Sounds a lot like she does every bedtime while you sit on your ass

And on that weekend did you do everything yourself? Keep the house in decent cleanliness?. Not outsource any of the parenting to your mother?

How many bedtimes do you do in a week?

How many times a week do you cook dinner?

Do you do your own laundry and half of your child's?

Does she get time to herself? Gym, see friends, go out, do a hobby etc etc every week where she knows your child is safely taken care of and the home isn't falling apart in her absence?

And that didn’t make you consider that the level of parenting you are doing is a huge contributor to the issue?

You didn’t say ‘oh no dear if you were working we would share drop offs, cooking dinners and night wakes!’ ?

Imagine being a completely checked out parent then coming here to complain you're wife is upset

There you go, she knows she would need to do all the parenting on top whatever she does.

Why does it need to get to the point of her shouting and slamming a door before you step in? Why are you not doing it anyway?

I suppose she would. However the choice should be sahm or work then in evenings 50% of parenting each. That's where you're the problem.

Sleep deprivation is a form of tortured and is banned by the UN. maybe have a quiet word with your child about this.
joking aside, the early years are brutal when it comes to not getting any rest.
when you’re home, pick up the wakings. All of them for a while. Going to work is easier than being on call 100% of the time. Mine arnt so little now and working was a break back then.
get family to help if you can. Toddlers are very demanding and parenting is not a job to be taken on alone. I hope she’s ok.

She doesn’t have to answer 🤷‍♀️