Sick of my wife’s temper

she’s always had a temper which people have glossed over
lack of sleep and stressful situations yes her temper will elevate
she gets free time for the gym
both of you had a child free weekend
you’ve do the early morning she done the night so you both can get a chunk of unbroken sleep
now she stopped breastfeeding you can now do your share of night wakings
obviously working away isn’t ideal but unless there’s an alternative it is what it is
does the toddler go to nursery

Stress and sleep are the key triggers so you need to pre empty these

but long term she needs to address her temper . My dad and sister both have a temper you get used to it and predict how they react but like you describe when times were tough anything would set them off like a rocket and the entire household got the brunt of it

Thinking back to when I was in the same situation as your wife, a SAHM with a husband who traveled a lot for work and worked long hours, I remember feeling very trapped. Yes, I could go to the gym now and again and my husband would step in at times but he always got to walk away when he wanted to.

My anger and frustration came from never being able to walk away like he could. Someone had to be a constant presence for our DC and it was always me. He would step in when it suited him but if it got too stressful, he had an exit route to go to work or go on a work trip or just sleep in or go to bed early. He would argue that he helped as much as he could, given that he had to work to support us at that time (I also work now), but what he never understood was that any help was always on his terms as and when it suited him, never when I or the DC needed him. Maybe a point of view to consider as to where your wife's anger is coming from... or maybe you are the perfect, hands-on dad and she has anger issues? I don't know but all I know is that when I was in that situation my anger stemmed from a feeling of having no support from my DH when I needed it.

So many people don't seem to realise that someone needs to work and pay bills if the other person is a SAHP.

he offers to help look after their child is in the very same context of asking your hubby to babysit so you can go out. The exact same mindset. He should just be doing not asking. Any reasonable person knows that if they’ve worked away and the opportunity of evenings alone and undisturbed sleep that on the weekends they should be doing their bit. She has to guide him aswell as shoulder all the mental load or can he just take a few minutes and think about what he can and should be doing all by himself

There are mothers that are commercial pilots, train drivers on packed commutes, surgeons AND have children. Jesus Christ where have you been for the last seventy years????

Regardless he is offering to do it and she is saying no . She’s an adult at the end of the day. I’ve just finished mat leave and while I did a lot of the parenting cos my husband was working during the day he did his fair share of the work with the baby in the evening and at night . If he hadn’t done so I wouldn’t be long expressing that he needed to and I certainly wouldn’t be turning down any offers of “help” regardless of the assumption of whose responsibility it is based on the phrasing .

‘Picking up things when you can’ is not parenting! You have a child now, you have to step up, make adjustments, and do much more than occasionally pitching in op!! I can’t believe what I am reading tbh, and I feel very sorry for your wife.

No, why would I?

No, pilots should not be flying an aircraft full or passengers, having regularly had no sleep. Are you insane?

Don’t offer to help, get ahead of the curve and do it.

If this is a new thing then hormones, post natal depression and sleep deprivation are likely causes. Also having your first child can bring up conscious and unconscious, unprocessed issues from your own childhood. If it’s not a new thing then the above will have added to it.

You are right to be concerned for your child. A dysregulated, angry caregiver leaves a damaging psychological scar. You do need help and urgently.

In your shoes I would speak first with your wife to express your concern - you have - and she said she’d get some anger management. I would suggest to her that you both speak to the Health Visitor as well - quickly. You need someone professional who has your child’s needs in mind. A private adult therapist is unlikely to hold your child’s needs centrally.

Your wife needs empathy, understanding, not to be judged AND alongside that, a clear boundary that this behavioural pattern does need to change and quickly. Their bond and attachment is being damaged and ruptured everytime she loses it and the first three years are critical. Attachment relationships are critical for health and wellbeing. This is urgent. But to address it she is going to need love, care and understanding alongside a clarity that it needs to change.

You are in a difficult situation because as a parent, your first duty is to your child and your child’s needs trump your wife’s needs. At the same time, your wife will need you to be her rock and will need you to be empathic, understanding and non-judgemental alongside pushing for change. I think you will need some support with that, someone to talk to about it. It might be wise to ask for some time off work or to reduce your hours for a bit. Your child needs you now, may be more than they ever will.

Do you think those are the majority of job roles?

Of course, mothers have to do it every day. You do know that most women work fgs!

You think it's acceptable for a man (or woman) to operate a passenger aircraft, or train, or lorry, or bus, or crane, or nuclear power station, on no sleep?

Offering to help suggests it's her responsibility and he's somehow riding in on a white horse to save her. What he should actually be doing is his share of the shared parenting and household tasks.

I remember taking my son to his 18 month checkout in the midst of the same situation. The health visitor or just knew straight away. She asked how I was dealing with lack of sleep and I said how do you know. She said I’ve done this a long time. Your complexion, your whites of your eyes, your posture & nervous energy. Shs asked what help I got and I said non. I did every wake up and never got a lie-in because I felt it was my job as a SAHM. She pointed out I was getting in a car with 2 kids & that if I was to collapse with exhaustion (she’s seen it happen) then my beloved hubby (who would use the importance of needing to be present and tiptop at work) would be the one taking time off whilst I’m being treated

“I always offer to help but she never takes it “ is a quote from the op . The wife needs to take responsibility here as well

Donr be ridiculous. That's not good for the parents or the kids. Mum doesn't get to sit down until the child is in bed every single night? But Dad gets to come in and sit on his arse every evening?

Why does he 'work long hours' but her being on call 24/7 is somehow the payoff?

If you're genuinely worried you need to stop the long hours and travelling. Change jobs if you can't do that in your current role.

I think your job and absence is a large part of the problem. It also makes it very difficult to work if all of the parenting responsibilities fall to her.

Your response that you had a trip away a few weeks ago is very odd. Are you ok with only sleeping 1 night every few weeks?

I would also recommend that your wife has a full blood count done, she may be very anemic, have thyroid problems or lacking in B12, all of which are extremely debilitating without the sleep deprivation. I know I am becoming anemic when my irritability goes through the roof.

Come on @Seriouslyworrieddad , you actually need to do something. You are a parent. The Big Job doesn't wash. I manage to work full time and do all parenting. Many many other parents do.

So it doesn’t matter that the mother puts herself and her child as risk while caring for a dependent child all day on no sleep? It’s only unacceptable when it’s poor men?

Can you take some time off and be home while she's struggling through this phase?

I can understand her not wanting to go back to work if you're not there to help.

What can be done to lighten the load? Would you consider changing jobs/hours so you can be present?

Many women are surgeons and doctors and nurses and drive to and from 12 hour night shifts. They too should t be sleep deprived but we are.

Bedtimes are tricky when you've had a breastfed baby I totally get that, I breastfed at night until mine were 3, my husband still did every second bath time and book and whatnot and I was available for feeding to sleep. Then if I was out he managed with rocking and singing but it took time. It takes effort. Thai guy has checked right out of any effort because he just doesn't think it's his responsibility

Why? So the wife’s job is basically 24 hours a day and his is 10 or less? She has the toddler all day long which if you have any experience you should know, then cooks dinner, sorts her child out, puts the child to bed which takes however long right now, then wakes up with him all night long while OP does a day at work and then comes home, eats his dinner made for him and gets a full nights sleep?

It’s not sustainable for someone to never sleep because they’re a sahp. Any reasonable parent would see that and join in.

It's true, of course, that many men work in jobs where they operate heavy machinery or vehicles, and they should not be staying up all night and putting others at risk the following day.