Sick of my wife’s temper

I would not plan a second child in these circumstances it would be completely irresponsible

Love the advice to change jobs, knowing nothing about what job OP has. Because, yes, if you are a pilot [for instance, linking to other threads], you could just quit that and go into a local office job, right? And for the same money with no impact on ability to pay the mortgage given you are only on one income. 🤦🏽‍♀️

What a ridiculous suggestion sorry. The ops income is the only one coming into the household . What industries do you suggest ? Are you privy to the ops cv ?

Shouting and slamming doors to a toddler on a regular basis is not ok. Nor is being so wiped out that that feels like the only option.

Did she grow up in a volatile home? I did and it's hard to escape that cycle if that is what you have seen growing up. I don't take it out on my child but my partner can sometimes bear the brunt of it if I am feeling overwhelmed. Ultimately you need to have a conversation with her about her triggers and what makes her overwhelmed.

Come to it from a place of love and support her.

I would look into changing your job so you aren’t away from home so much and home for most bedtimes.

As soon as you can - but absolutely before you have a second child - if that’s in the plans.

Does sound like her mental health is suffering big time and your presence is the only thing that can truly make your wife and child’s life better.

Sounds like she doesn’t want to work AND do all childcare/ house duties which is understandable. If you were around more to do 50/50 then she would benefit from working too.

If she’s this stressed and the current status quo continues you will all suffer the consequences in the long run. So not changing things is not an option if you want a healthy family. No matter how hard it seems logistically and financially with your current job. There is a way if you want it. Be present.
Good luck.

I don't see how a massive pile on of us all condemning the mother would be of any use to the OP.

A mother is entitled to be as angry and verbally abusive as she likes with a baby or toddler, them's the mumsnet rules.

That’s an extremely abnormal experience and “new mums won’t take help” is a pretty ridiculous sweeping statement.

I agree, but they can’t carry on as they are. It isn’t fair to the child. Op is educated and can work in other industries where he will be involved as a parent.

Shocking to see how many posters are making excuses for the mother here. I'm sure none of these posters would excuse a father shouting at a toddler, banging doors etc. and tell his wife it'll improve if she meets his needs. I was severely sleep deprived with DC2 and can totally understand how the OP's wife is feeling - but the answer definitely isn't the OP doing more housework, it's his wife working on herself: anger management, counselling, going back to work, whatever. She needs to work out what can help her manage her anger. There's no excuse for regularly losing your temper with your child, no matter whether you're the mother or the father. There will always be reasons to fly into a rage with your children, when they sleep well and you're no longer sleep deprived they will press your buttons in other ways. The challenge of being a parent is managing those difficult moments without excessive anger.

If someone's career isn't conductive with being a parent, that's when one parent stays at home.

How do you think the millions of single parents cope?

There is a lot of "don't offer to help, just do it". Has anyone considered new mums won't take help?

I tried to step in for months and was met with huge amounts of pushback. The kind where you have to lock your wife out the room to allow you to settle your child. The kind where you could see it coming and ran ahead because you were taller and faster. Not a nice way to live when a baby goes through sleep regression.

Doctors for blood tests, early menopause going badly perhaps?

In the long term a career change to allow you to be a parent op. Maybe your work is not conducive with family life, and your child’s safety and well being is the most important factor here.

It sounds like she's struggling and in the cycle of struggling, getting triggered losing control, being really ashamed, trying to do better (and thinking she can by herself) struggling and the cycle starting all over but double the shame.

if she could not shout she would

she needs understanding kindness and nurture, you do need to step in and take over now but please do it in a way that says 'I see you struggling, that's ok, I want to take care of you' rather than 'I see you struggling and I have to step in because you can't handle it and should be ashamed (which is how she might feel)

good luck

So why is she still doing almost all of the overnight stuff alone when this has been going on for six weeks?

To answer the question,

Because she doesn’t have to leave the house in the morning and go to work elsewhere. She can sleep until toddler wakes up or catch a nap later on when toddler naps

For those that didn’t read the OP , this was just the latest example of her rage.
This has been going on for years, probably before they even met.
This is the dw’s personality

Whilst you, Seriouslyworrieddad, might be able to handle your dw’s temper, or have made the choice to be with her despite her temper, you have added a baby into the mix and that child didn’t have a choice

This woman is abusing her child and there are a section of MN posters who are blaming the husband.

As this child grows up they will learn their mother’s triggers, don’t bring friends home, don’t mention certain things. Constantly monitor every word and action. By 18 they will be gone and the dw will spend the rest of her life blaming everyone but herself for their child not speaking to her and never coming to terms with the fact she drove them away, because in her eyes the anger she showed them was justified because of their behaviour, their words.

Ffs. One night of interrupted sleep isn’t the issue - it’s medium-term sleep deprivation that is being described. And in this case possibly even PND (it can emerge years after birth, not just in first few months).

They get help. Contact family. Speak to HV. Get signed off work so they get paid leave for the few days/weeks they need support.

We are talking in that particular PP thread about professions where safety of colleagues and end users is paramount and parents have a legal duty to ensure they are fit to work. And mum here is NOT working - she is a SAHM with the flexibility to sleep during the day when her child has day time naps and has the freedom to contact her HV and GP as a matter of urgency to get help.

I’ve been there: colicky, latterly autistic, non-feeding baby, cried for 14 hours a day and couldn’t care less as a 3-8mo that I was having a migraine and alternating vomiting in a bowl over trying to sooth the baby. Latterly that same baby was an AuDHD, suicidal, self harming, teenaged non-sleeping nightwalker who was on a social services safety plan with knives/medications locked away - so try 4 years on barely 3 hours sleep a night making returning to work impossible and driving my other DC to school in that state beyond difficult. But protecting my DH’s ability to continue working was essential [oh but apparently acc to another thread SAHM are lazy. Excuse me, if I PML at that thread].

It was down to me to ask for help and put it in place. In the real world, in many jobs, the working spouse simply cannot just drop everything and run home because SAHP is having a tantrum because they are tired. In all those years, I have only ever called my husband home twice - once for a migraine so severe I could not stand up and had two children under 3, and once when I was bluelighted to hospital and neighbours had the kids. I have also NEVER yelled at DH or DC in response to my stress, no matter how frayed my own MH was.

This woman needs an intervention and support - as does OP - so idiots here side tracking the conversation about the fact that THEY think ALL sleep deprived parents should suck it up and keep going is really not helpful, is it?

You have serious concerns about your wife’s ability to parent your child in a non confrontational/angry way and yet you are still leaving often for work etc?!
No one should be screaming and slamming doors on their toddler, who sounds extremely upset. You should be at home instead of coming here for advise because you know, if accurate your wife’s behaviour is detrimental to your child and I assume if she has agreed to go to anger management she recognises there is a problem.
Your wife needs more help and support and that either needs to come from you or you need to put in paid support ie a nanny so she can have regular breaks
Its irrelevant that she had a child free break a short while ago, she is struggling now and if you don’t step up, your child will
suffer irreversible physiological damage.
I grew up with a very angry parent, it’s left life long anxiety for me and some of my siblings, interestingly the younger ones rather than the older ones.

Op - given you are a family in crisis - and shouting at young children with a loss of control clearly signals your wife is not coping with your family set up at all.

No one can know before they have a child the effects and impact of parenthood - however there are things op could do today:

• Speak to your employer about reduced hours or distance
• Book parental leave and stabilise the situation at home
• Insist on family or outside help whilst you are away - she may not be able to see what she needs when she is so exhausted
• Ensure you are properly parenting - and giving her a proper break when you are there
• Look at strategies with her on how to cope calmly

This won’t have happened overnight, this situation has been a long time coming. You have to be clear, outside help is needed. I have never shouted at my dc, but I can see why some parents get pushed to the brink. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason.

As a working mum I disagree with this . Yes you are still the parent and still have to do the parenting but when your child is in nursery the nursery is minding the child and doing all their basic care . I worked in a very demanding job on my feet all day and I found it to be a breath of fresh air going back to work after mat leave . Yeh you have to rush around and do laundry and bedtime and stuff when you get home and it’s tiresome but it’s not as tiresome as being with a child 24/7 in my opinion and I prefer it for my own mental health . I don’t understand why she “prefers” being at home if she finds it this stressful could she not get a part time job or something

So she doesn't feel that you'd do 50% at home if she was at work. Maybe reassure her that you will do and she'd be happier.

But this is the life they've both chosen. It does not excuse either parent getting so angry at their child. Being in FT doesn't absolve him of his duties as a parent but if my partner was working hard and travelling regularly to keep a roof over our heads and I wasn't working at all then yes I would expect to do the main share of the parenting tbh. Plenty of people manage to be single parents and cope without raging at their young child or having a partner to rage at or gaslight. It isn't an excuse. If they are not coping with parenting this child safely and adequately then they need to have a serious conversation about this. This is beyond unfair on the poor baby whoever is or isn't pulling their weight

Sorry but the site is not just for mums it is for dads as well. Why are you defending a woman who is shouting at her toddler ? It’s damaging behaviour and I have no doubt you would not be defending a man shouting at a child. She is a grown adult not some helpless child herself. She has responsibility as well to communicate her needs .

You have been taking the child in the morning? In the morning? So what is she getting then? 4 hours sleep? 3? 2? She needs 8 on a normal night. If she has been sleep-deprived for 6 weeks, she is likely to need 10 hours of undisturbed sleep.

What do you mean by "you offer to help"? That sentence alone is divorce-inducing.

Fair enough that she has a bigger part of the chores in your household as she is a SAHM, but when you phrase it like that, it seems as if 100% of the chores are her responsibility in your eyes, and that you are being oh so gracious by offering to do 2%.

Also, "offer her help" indicates that you sit down, relaxing with your coffee, and do f.. all unless she tells you what to do. You are not blind. You can see that there are dirty dishes, the bin hasn't been emptied, the laundry basket is overflowing, the floor is scattered with toys, and cobwebs are hanging from the ceiling etc....

Get off your behind. Get to work on those chores. You might not be as good as she is at doing those things, but neither was she at first. It takes practice. Get that practice.

And I really can’t imagine my dh ‘offering to help’ he should just look around and pitch in immediately. Automatically. Parenting isn’t a part time option, it’s a full time demanding relentless 247 job of some 18 years. Checking in occasionally and asking to ‘help’ is simply not good enough at all.