Sick of my wife’s temper

Clearly she is not 'having it all her own way' when she sounds to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown from the amount of stress and overwhelm she's experiencing. I doubt she's feeling great about things.

It may well be the case that he genuinely has to travel loads with work and genuinely can't take any time off right now to support her - but that doesn't solve the problem of her being sleep-deprived and clearly struggling to cope. If he can't do it, then he needs to find another way of helping her, such as hiring a nanny to take some of the pressure off her. Bitching about her on MN solves absolutely nothing.

God some of these posts are awful - so many assumptions about the Op and how much he doesn't do and how much she does! Why are you away? What a stupid question - he is working and as she is a SAHM he has to support them - how do you suggest he does that? She has a bad temper which she needs to do something about - not getting enough sleep is not an excuse! Give the more Op a break and give him some helpful suggestions rather than piling on with Do the nights for her, let her get some sleep, just so unhelpful!

Thing is - this is a recent development likely in response to weaning off breast milk, which is known to cause sleep disturbance in the first few weeks (a quick google confirms this). It’s not a LT issue and it is one OP and his wife can get advice and support from the HV/GP for.

All of the advice here is reactionary and extreme.

OP/wife need to contact HV for support at this stage - toddler may need a bottle/larger or later solids based meal before bed time to help.

They may also need waking at 11pm for a few weeks for a bottle which can be gradually reduced with ‘skipping’ this step on nights when OP is home and can agree in advance to handle any nighttime wakings that happen as a result.

@Seriouslyworrieddad ‘s wife screaming and shouting down the phone is an unacceptable behaviour - they need to explore what is underlying this:
Q does she resent his absences, and is there a way to manage these in the short term with employer support.
Q does she actually just resent and have issues with OP (ie, is this actually not to do with the baby and more to do with their marriage). OP needs to have the discussion, because they may need relationship counselling and to explore how they move forward if, in fact, wife is actually not happy/in love and wants out.
Q could wife be having delayed PND? Discussions together with HV/GP need to be had to explore, exclude/confirm and medication and counselling put inplace
Q could OP actually be doing more on a practical and emotional level that he is at the moment - does he use his work/job as an excuse and justification to opt out? Did he think that their agreement that she be a SAHP while he be main breadwinner implied that he was absolved of engagement and do they need to discuss exactly what they both understand this arrangement means and perhaps revise/renegotiate.
Q did Op’s wife give up a work/career to be a SAHM. Does she regret this? Has she been given safe and non-judgmental space to voice this? Have you explored a pathway back to work for her, if she now feels that her current role does not fulfil her as much as she thought (and be given unconditional love and reassurance that feeling this way does NOT make her a made mother, that it is totally okay for her to want to go back to work and look at childcare options together to support her in doing so).
Q as suggested above - did she had a difficult childhood - were her expectations of motherhood realistic or based in the fantasy realm of ‘doing it completely differently and perfectly’ [this was an issue for me - no actual functional model of parenting to base my own on, so felt i was fumbling my way through the whole process]. She may need counselling, HV support, and access to parenting classes [together with OP as she is NOT doing it alone]. There are charities and family support available for parents who were raised in homes with DV/abuse/neglect to help scaffold them as new parents. Again a good HV and local parenting support group should help.

Sorry that was long @Seriouslyworrieddad but if you can take time this weekend (upon return from trip?) I would prioritise talking to your wife, asking her/exploring with her exactly how she feels and be prepared to hear harsh interpretations of your role [try in this instance NOT to react - listen, hear, let her know you are taking on board how she feels even if you are not sure that she is being fair] and make a plan to reach out to HV, GP and offer to explore back to work schemes/childcare etc with her if it is what she would like to consider.

Regardless of how you agreed to divvy up parenting (you working her SAH), you are meant to be a team. This requires checking in and recalibrating and making clear that communicating [changing] feelings and needs has to be a regular part of that process.

@onesinglepringle Or alternatively, wife could also work and bring in some money which would quite possibly facilitate husband reducing his hours and allow him to be a more present father.
He said she doesn't want to work but she can't always have it all her own way.

Considering the amount she's struggling, it's time to look carefully at your career choices here.

This amount of travel and long hours might have worked before you had children, but your child and wife clearly need you to be more present.

Sometimes people need to take a salary cut in order to save their families and their mental health.

In what way would doing the night wakes for a short period of time to allow his wife to catch up on sleep and then sharing the load going forward mean he’s acting like a single parent?!

We actually don’t know if the wife wants job or not, we only know that she said she wouldn’t want to work and still do almost all the parenting on her own. Funnily enough the Op didn’t jump in to tell her she wouldn’t be doing all the parenting herself which perhaps gives us a hint here.

If anything stopping breastfeeding could be throwing her hormones off and she's still rebalancing from that and not getting the oxytocin boost from feeding. That, and the fact that the sleep deprivation of a sleep regression when you have got used to getting some sleep again is about 100 times worse than the sleep deprivation of the early days, in my experience.

The pile-on on this thread is unbelievable. People are completely minimising a partner screaming abuse, flying off the handle, and shifting blame for everything onto the OP.
Sleep deprivation is brutal, but a severe, explosive temper isn't just a 'stressed parent' quirk........It's abusive behaviour, especially when there's a terrified toddler caught in the middle. Dismissing these warnings and blaming the OP for a phone call happening at the wrong time is shocking.

Is this satire?

The wife doesn’t want a job, she wants to continue being a SAHP.

Part of being a SAHP is taking on the majority of the parenting role - a choice the wife has made.

Why would OP, who is working FT, do all of the nighttime wakes, bedtimes and mornings??
1 - that’s not fair on the wife to be refused access to her own child
2 - also OP needs to work, to be able to provide for his wife and baby.

Unless you are suggesting that the wife gets a job (not sure how you can force this) and then they do 50/50 parenting.

OP is not a single parent and shouldn’t need to act like one when he has the other parent who is at home all day not working.

So your wife got the DC settled and asleep and you thoughtlessly phoned and woke the child up and now wonder why she was angry....she is sleep deprived and you added to it.
Get a different job so you can actually be at home more and start being a better parent yourself.
Or try sleep deprivation and see how it makes you feel.

He’s no longer breast feeding. She’s literally done all wake ups since he’s been born

Oh I actually missed that . Op definitely needs to be getting up at night for sure at weekends.

I'm surprised people are putting this back on the poster. Babies will stretch your self control and you have to be prepared to step up. Irrespective of whether the dh is unsupportive or not, she has to recognise her temper is a threat to the child and will end badly, and she has to be the adult and control herself or she's not fit to parent.

Anyone who's worked full time as a single parent with a newborn can tell you it's hard but doable.

He can and should help but if she's not prepared to control herself and put her child first and communicate, it's really going to be on her.

How on earth is he meant to just ditch his work responsibilities and go running back to his wife every time she throws a paddy and keep his job?! Come on that's not realistic and you know it.

Ime people that get like this feel angry with themselves that they feel like they are failing. Then they take their anger out on their children.

It’s possibly why she doesn’t accept help - because that would further make her feel like she’s failing/unable to do it by herself.

You do sound very hands off - like you also expect it to be her job and she’s not doing very well at it, rather than an equal parent with equal responsibility.

Instead of “taking over” when she loses her temper (“you have failed at your job, I need to take over”) why not offer to put the child to bed in the first place? (“It’s not just your job, I am an equal parent too”).

It might help her anger over all if she stops seeing parenting as something where you need to get a specific outcome, otherwise you have failed. Making your child feel safe and comfortable is the goal, not making them go to sleep - if you see what I mean. If your goal isn’t getting the child to sleep, you don’t have to feel like you’ve failed if the child doesn’t go to sleep.

She sounds depressed to me. Anger can be a symptom of depression

That’s not a problem because the child isn’t breastfed now.

This. Do not have more children. No really do not have any more children. Don't take the risk of an "oops baby".

If this situation can't be changed and the job you're in is the only possibility for your family then you get through the toddler years as best you can, deal with the harm later as best you can and don't make this harder on your wife by leaving her looking after more kids on her own.

Is it worth employing a nanny who could look after your baby during the night. I would think sleep deprivation would make most people upset.

She's on her own with the baby full-time while her husband is away with work. He is bitching about her from a safe distance - if he was that bothered he'd go home and sort it out.

Most women know what it's like to be sleep-deprived and lose their rag with their child. I've been so frustrated and knackered I've yelled at mine in the past (they are teenagers now so no need to call Childline). This woman clearly has no support from her husband - he's not even there to give her support - and it sounds like she's reached breaking point.

1. You need to be at home.

2. For a prolonged period (a month?) you need to do ALL night time wakes, bedtimes, mornings.

3. Moving forward you need to commit to doing 50% of them all.

Single working mums manage it. You can do it.

It’s not always easy or instant but where there’s a will there’s a way. Sound like this set up isn’t working for any of them. Least of all the child.

So priorities need to be made and if that’s an income drop it’s an income drop. Other parent going back to work - even part time- will help hugely. One high earner is not tax/ take home efficient in the UK anyway.

Sure the kid would rather have dad around more and less stressed mum/ not being shouted at constantly than a bigger house and over holidays…

Agree he should be doing weekends , at the very least . Problem is when breastfeeding that is usually what the child wants when they wake during the night in my experience.

Yeah it is basic communication. I don’t know what it’s like in this man’s relationship. But I do think if you repeatedly saw your hubby struggling with a job you’re capable of doing and but is generally assigned to him. But you acknowledge that job has gotten significantly harder, he’s not sleeping properly and you only start asking after it’s becoming unbearable to be around do you ask then? Or do you just do?

he has caveated her lack of sleep alongside a weekend away a few weeks ago and he did a get up last weekend & she can go back to bed when he wakes up in the morning. Like that’s enough for someone who has dealt with this for 42 days
to catch up. Why does he ask when they wake in the night if she wants him to go? That already signifies that it’s really her that’s needs to get up. He should just get up and say my turn. The very asking would boil my piss. Because I bet she was happy to sign up to the night shift whilst he’s working but surely the weekend is up to him. He then can go back to bed in the morning for a catch up.