Sick of my wife’s temper

I would have assumed that the first step to that would be the OP assuring her he would be doing more? Yet he doesn’t seem to have said that.

How would working during the day, then coming home to collect the child, being the only one to cook dinner, the only one to sort the DC out, the only one to put the DC to bed and then the only one to wake in the night give her a break?

@Velumental Why wpuld she be doing all of the parenting as well? OP is helping as much as work/his wife allows. If she was working OP could look at reducing his hours/job change which would further even things out.

She told him she didn't want to work AND foo all of the parenting. He literally said this himself.

@chocoluv Absolutely this.

Indeed. I had a shouting, abusive mother. She had a personality disorder and there should have been an intervention - by her DH, the neighbours, social services. But no one acts. 40 years later my half sisters and are all carrying the scars of the abuse and constant, corrosiveness of being screamed at and the content of her words. We are all now, finally, getting counselling and also talking and sharing with each other after years of carrying this and ie eating away at self esteem in the work place and shaping relationships. OP’s child needs both parents to resolve this.

I think (cba to go back and check) that it has been mentioned that OP’s wife has ‘always’ had a temper - perhaps she felt she was unhappy in work and being a SAHP would make her happy etc and it has not turned out that way, so she is now frustrated, resentful, scared at how her life looks now. But it seems [to me, admittedly online diagnosing with limited info] as though she may have a LT MH issue - depression, perhaps tipping into PND now, or even an underlying personality disorder like EuPD - but unless OP and she address this and seek support they cannot fix this or help her get to a place where she can better regulate her emotions and behaviour.

I was replying directly to another poster’s opinion that a SAHP should do more bedtimes for default, and I specifically said ‘Once the working parent is off the clock and home’. You seem to be responding to a lot of posts so perhaps you didn’t have time to read the quoted message or my reply properly!

When? Are you reading the same thread?

@Marroon Why not try it? See how things go. If she is out working then she literally can't do all of the childcare and it would give her a break too.

Why would she have to?

She doesn’t do all of the parenting even now she’s a SAHM, so why would she is she was working FT.

OP should also not need to work FT and do all of the bedtimes, mornings and night wakings, whist their DW is a SAHP as PPs have suggested.

OP parents, allows the wife to have lie ins etc and has offered to do more but the wife refuses - apart from forcing the wife to get a job or kicking her out of the house, what else can OP realistically do?

The wife needs to get professional help or OP needs to report her to SS and force her to get professional help.

Again, that’s not what she said and you know it.

@Marroon So she can go out to work too. OP can then reduce his hours as she's also bringing in some money and the parenting can also be shared out more equally.
"I don't want to work" - tough. Imagine if the OP said that?

@Slightyamusedandsilly You honestly think they are reasonable/doable suggestions when OP works ft? Just "be at home" - say no to working away.

You’ve posted this multiple times and yet left out the other half of OP’s wife’s actual comment. She said she didn’t want to work and still be left to do all the parenting, the second part is a pretty important caveat.
Why doesn’t he just assure her he wouldn’t be leaving all the parenting to her?

I agree with you 100%. The double standard on here is wild. If a dad admitted he was screaming at a toddler, losing his temper constantly, and refusing to work, people wouldn't be making excuses about sleep regressions.
Working away, being the sole provider, and then getting screamed at when you check in is an impossible position.

I have no idea who the people are who say it's unreasonable to be concerned that a parent has an uncontrollable temper and is shouting at a distressed child. It doesn't matter what else is going on, some things are unacceptable.

Neither does the OP.

And mums have managed to do the bulk of childcare since we first stopped climbing the trees and walking on 2 legs so what's your point?

By your logic OP's partner should be able to cope as a 'single mum' too...

She's clearly not suceeding doing the parental thing only so i can see why she must be freaking out at the thought of her present chores PLUS a full time job.

Why doesn't she hire a nanny? You then can help too that way she has plenty of time to recharge. All that anger and resentment is bad for the childs mental health ( and husband).

He confirmed most of the assumptions.

She doesn't want to work AND do all the parenting. Who would?

@ForTipsyDeer Perhaps the OP is feeling overwhelm at having to work away, be the sole provider, and hearing his wife scream at their child when he checks in?
Why can't the wife work if isn't coping with being a SAHP? The answer was because she doesn't want to.

The Ops wife has "Always" had a bad temper... I'm assuming she's always on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then???

@YourOliveBalonz OP is currently away with work.

@user1471600850 Absolutely. The OP is away working to provide for his family. His wife doesn't want to work so he is expected to be the sole provider. She can't have it all!
Posters saying "Well just go home and take x amount of weeks off work" are being ridiculous; as if it is that easy! OP has to deliver with work - what exactly are the family going to do if his performance slips and he loses his job?

I disagree, especially as the SAHP is also doing long hours in a full time job (my husband and I agree parenting time with a toddler is more exhausting than any long work day!) Once the working parent is off the clock and home, there’s no reason that childcare shouldn’t be 50/50 imo - although I think there’s a case to be made that the working parent should do more of the bedtimes if anything, to spend the time they do have available on a working day with their child.