Sick of my wife’s temper

@Seriouslyworrieddad you’re not imagining it, and it’s not “just a bad week”. Something is going on, and it needs addressing kindly but firmly. But you have a part to play in this.

A few possibilities can overlap:

Postnatal depression (PND) - it doesn’t only appear in the newborn phase. It can emerge or worsen months later, especially after breastfeeding stops, when hormonal shifts can be abrupt.

Postnatal anxiety / rage - many women don’t realise that rage is a symptom of anxiety. It’s not about “being angry”; it’s about being overwhelmed, panicked, and dysregulated.

Sleep deprivation - six weeks of broken nights can push even a normally calm parent to the edge.

Isolation and pressure - SAHMs often feel trapped, judged, and solely responsible for the child’s wellbeing. That pressure can boil over.
None of these make her a bad mother. They do make her a mother who needs support and possibly professional help. And as from the sound of it, you work away a lot, people will assume she has help, when she doesn't.

And equally when you come home, you probably step in for a short while but she needs a break. She is coping with this 24/7 and you are not so don't underestimate the effect of that. she may well perceive you as drifting and in and out as the whim takes when she has no choice. Dealing with a screaming baby is not like reasoning with an adult.

Why this is worrying for the child, toddlers don’t understand adult emotions. What they experience is shouting, slammed doors, unpredictable reactions and fear but at this moment in time your wife is not doing this intentionally, she is not coping.

Even if she loves her child deeply, repeated exposure to explosive anger can affect attachment and emotional development. You’re right to be worried.

You can’t fix her mental health, but you can change the environment around her:

Stop minimising it - You are* *clearly trying to be supportive, but you are also normalising behaviour that isn’t normal. You need to acknowledge, calmly, that shouting at a toddler and losing control is not safe.

Encourage her to speak to a GP or HV - Not in a “you’re being unreasonable” way, but in a “you deserve support, this is too much for one person” way.
A GP can screen for PND, anxiety, rage, or hormonal issues.

Reduce her load immediately - even if you travel for work, you need to take over bedtimes when you're home, take the toddler for chunks of time so she can decompress, arrange external help (family, childcare, nursery hours) and stop assuming gym sessions alone count as “time off” - they don’t

Talk about sleep training realistically - Sleep training is emotionally brutal for some parents. If she’s already dysregulated, doing it alone while you are away is a recipe for disaster.

Protect the child without shaming her - If you hear shouting, slamming, or distress, you must intervene. Not by criticising, but by stepping in: “I’ll take over now.”

Address the blame cycle - Her shouting at you, blaming you for bedtime, and sending angry messages is part of the same dysregulation. It’s not acceptable, but it’s also a sign she’s not coping.

I think PND at least is a reasonable suspicion and its important you understand why. Breastfeeding stopped several weeks ago and men seem to think it makes it easier for the Mother but they don't appreicate or understand the hormonal crash that comes with it. and onto that the toddler sleep regression means she has chronic sleep deprivation too. You are working away so as a SAHM she may feel isolation and pressure and that creates escalating anger, these are classic symptoms. And then comes the guilt and emotional collapse afterwards, also classic. PND doesn’t always look like sadness. Sometimes it looks like rage, irritability, and feeling trapped.

Importantly realise she cannot help this, she needs help to address it and you need to step up, I appreciate you may think you have but at this moment in time you need to do more. As a SAHM she works 24/7, you might do a 10hr working day, spend a couple of hours playing Dad then you have 12 hrs chilling and sleeping, she does not, its constant, unrelenting and whilst it may upsets you that she blames you, that child is yours too and so is clearing struggling.

I'm assuming this is your first child and its a big shift to make from total freedom to being tied down to a screaming child 24/7, no matter how much you love them, this will not impact your life in the way it does hers. Not meaning to minimise your role as a Father, I know its a big shift for you too but right now, she needs you to help.

How you step up now, will define your relationship going forward.

Sending you hugs and best wishes.....it does get better.

The people asking why he's away or saying he should go home.

Hopefully.

If not, this is the first thing they need to do - tell her how sick they are of her temper and offer an ultimatum.

She needs to sort it out or OP will have full custody and she find somewhere else to live.

She needs to know how serious this is.
I would have given my DH this ultimatum the first time this ever happened.

If your sister is as useful as him then I’d say the same to her to. Working full time doesn’t mean you live as you did before. Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re now the skivvy who doesn’t get to sleep for 6 weeks because of your choices.

him staying at home isn’t just a benefit he enjoys. He also eases the burden for everyone. She benefits to

He has, yes. She said she didn't want to because she'd be working AND doing all the parenting. Being a SAHM is currently the lesser of the two evils for her. It really is quite clear that the OP isn't stepping up at all and that's why she's at breaking point.

No, on a work night he should do non of the waking but he should take turns to do bedtime. The weekends would if child was only waking once should be taken in turns when he isn’t at work. So I would actually under normal circumstances think it’s fair she has 1 night off a week. The fact it’s particularly bad at present means he needs to be doing both nights on the weekend. He works away and gets 5 nights of uninterrupted sleep. Hes facilitated 4/5 nights off for her in a 42 night stretch. It isn’t good enough

Mate, you are the problem. Grow a pair, step up, be a better husband and father, and recognise the enormous effort your wife has put in to raising your child so far.

You offer her help?

Sorry but that’s so lame. You don’t offer your wife help with doing things that are equally your responsibility. You just do them. You see things need doing and you do them.

Ive read all your replies and I see typical male response: a lot of defending/excusing, not enough listening to what your wife’s temper/frustration/anger is trying to communicate. You’re hearing the anger, but are you listening to it?

I hate to state the obvious, but I will because I’m not sure it will have occurred to you, but have you asked your wife if she’s ok? And actually listened to her response? Really asked, actively and compassionately and comforted her and come up with a way forward together?

Women. Need. Emotionally. Connected. Partners.

Try it, and change yourself. You might be surprised at what being a grown man, an active and committed safe space does for your wife, your marriage, your child, your family…your future.

Oh, ffs. This guy's message for advice has now descended into him being virtually Fred West. This place is so hostile to men at times.

It’s her temper he’s sick of, it’s right there in the title.

Does she know you’re “sick of” her?

But if you’re at home, you can stay in your PJs, do the bare minimum, use screen time etc.

OP needs to drive to and from work and then do his job for 8+ hours a day.

As a single parent, I know it was much easier to be sleep deprived on a weekend than a week day when I was expected to be on top form all day and constantly use my brain.

And he may not be a pilot or brain surgeon but he might be a bus driver or something - I wouldn’t want my bus driver to be sleep deprived.

Why are posters falling over themselves to make OP the bad guy here, when the wife is the one whose behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Let's face it - the wife doesn't want to go out to work. Full stop. OP - have you suggested it to her?

Well OP seems, your work comes first. It’s unavoidable you’re away, often. By your own admission your Wife isn’t coping and exhibiting the signs of break down but you’re prepared to do nothing it seems to properly reset and intervene but you do want her to control her anger at the situation rather than removing the stressors.

A weekend away together is not necessarily downtime for her, the gym seems to also be an escape. Sounds like she hates her life, isn’t willing or able to do anything to improve it just now and nor are you? Well aside from tinkering round the edges.

If a house was on fire, what use would ad hoc and occasional buckets of water be??

Good luck to you, your approach on this is rigid and skewed. Work is never more important than securing a safe environment for your son but you do you.

She’s not a single parent! She shouldn’t be living like she is. She may not see going to work as a choice. Her response when asked was no because I couldn’t work and do all this to. She has the means

It makes sense that if the child has started waking in the night, that she’s the one to tend to it because she doesn’t need to be on top form and can nap etc during the day

You can’t necessarily nap when looking after a toddler, many toddlers don’t nap in the day or only nap briefly in the buggy on the way somewhere. Yes there are some magical kids who nap for 2 hours after lunch but plenty who don’t. And a child who is still waking at night is probably not a great napper.

And “not being on top form” well the whole point of this thread is that she’s not on top form isn’t it? She’s tired and in her case, that makes her short tempered. Some people don’t get angry when tired but others do. So maybe she does need to be on top form, toddlers are a lot more infuriating than colleagues IME!

Yes if OP is a pilot or brain surgeon or HGV driver then his sleep is more important, but statistically, I bet he’s not.

But being a SAHP is a choice.

If she’s not enjoying staying home then she can go back to work.

I was a single parent.
I had no lie ins, didn’t get to go to the gym etc - but I was never abusive towards my child.

I’m not sure how anyone can be defending her behaviour or somehow blaming OP.

My sister is the working parent and her DH is the SAHD.
If she told me what OP has written here I would be horrified and not telling her that she needs to do more night wakes and mornings etc when she’s the one that works and her DH doesn’t.

Of course not however there were steps that led her there if she had had adequate support who knows .

She's brinign up your child which is a full time job, plus doing all the tidying and dinners at home. Can you do 2/3 nights a week of the night shift/wake ups to help her out, maybe Friday Saturday and Wednesday?

I always offer her help but she never takes it
I do try to pick things up at home when I can.

You're away a lot and when you are present you don't think any of it is actually your responsibility - you'll just step in to "help" and "pick things up". She is almost certainly drowning under the pressure of effectively being a single parent - I'd watch out if I were you OP - you sound just like my husband and I ended up in the Priory for 6 months and he discovered just what single parenting was like at that point.

You say she goes to the gym - who has the child - if he's being left in the gym creche then she's not actually off duty is she she's still on call.....

You need to take some time off work or arrange to be working from home for at least 2 weeks and you need to take over all of the bedtimes and sleep training and night wakes for her. I'd also spend some of the mega salary your big important job that takes you away and makes you work long hours presumably pays on getting her domestic help or a nanny so she gets real time off when someone else is completely in charge.

Regarding your comment on her return to work/ she replied she’d rather be a Sahm the go to.work AND still have to do all the parenting.

So I read that as “if I could get a break from my child by going to work I would. But it’s not a break. I’d come home and I’d still be doing dinner and bedtime and bathtime and night wakings. It would be worse.”

The truth is: some women don’t enjoy having small children. Toddlers are utterly infuriating and relentless.

But meanwhile if she went back to work could you afford a cleaner? Could you yourself work shorter hours and do more at home?

So what do you suggest?

That OP gives his wife an ultimatum and tells her to get a job or leave?

The wife gets lie ins, goes to the gym, OP offers to help but she doesn’t want it, doesn’t work - but apparently is being hard done by.

Whilst OP is working FT to allow the wife to SAH and yet apparently should also do more of the night wakings, even though this could affect his job performance and safety, whilst OP is at home all day.

I’m guessing OP being stressed and tired from work is not an excuse to be abusive to his wife and child but if he does more night wakings then by MN standard, he would be ok to shout and scream at his wife and toddler.

You don’t think he should have to step up in any scenario. I did both. I was a working parent then became a SAHM. The SAHM was way harder than working. I was busier working but I was less stressed, more motivated & patient. I wouldn’t dread my kids waking on a Saturday morning. I’d be up for bracing the day.

If you think the SAHP should still be doing most of the parenting outside the working hours of the other parent then we’re just not coming from the same perspective. I just fundamentally disagree that she should still be running around doing most of the parenting while the OP is not working.

Only 42 nights. Which she’s had 4/5 nights uninterrupted. My gosh if you could survive that without cracking then you’re super woman.