Sick of my wife’s temper

I grew up with a mother like your wife.
She never improved and I was absolutely terrified of putting a foot wrong.
She would also openly tell horror stories of how I was dealt with as a baby when I cried/wouldn’t sleep and I remember it being like that from toddlerhood too.
My Dad was passive, emotionally avoidant, and always working.
Please don’t let your child endure what I did - you need to step up, help your child, and help your wife.

Exactly! I said that in a previous comment that she would benefit from some time in the work place. They both need to be around to facilitate this so one parent isn’t left working and doing all house/ kiddie care.

Pre child I was the chilled most content person, my husband and and I never had a cross word in the 13 yrs we had before a baby. Cut to a reflux milk allergic terrible sleeper (going on 3 years!)

I got such awful rage feelings being constantly woken up, it was awful and scary. I was exhausted and then parenting all day as nursery fees outstripped my wages so I went freelance and was parenting all day. My husband already did alot of night wakes but he ended up doing two nights on and one night off with our child as he saw how drained I was, and how upset I was that I'd feel so angry in the night around what was a much wanted precious child. He knows that I'm not a naturally angry person, in fact I had a very angry mother so vowed never to be that.

It sounds like your wife needs to support now, she's burnt out. It also takes a long time before the patience returns, I found that even after a few days sleep my son would wake up in the night on my night eith him and I'd just feel furious! Of course I'd not show it to him but it's awful to be flooded with that. So give her a break, be honest with each other, and recognise how scary sleep deprivation is. Sleep training is awful too as it fries the nerves listening to crying, it's why me and my husband could never face it so have a 3 hr old who still wakes us up.

This thread is awful. We have multiple threads for adults who were mentally and emotionally abused by their DM and here people are falling over themselves to excuse this behaviour. My DS never slept, was always cranky, screaming crying and demanding, to the point I thought about jumping off the balcony, he was worse for DH but I couldn’t shout, slam doors, scare him because he wasn’t doing it to annoy me.

Being sleep deprived can hugely affect someone's functioning.

If you're not prepared to swap roles with her, your only option is to support her.

Longer term, it would probably help if you both worked and parented rather than being so all or nothing.

She needs to start anger management classes. It is not acceptable for any reason to be make a young child feel threatened or scared.
She won’t change without help. Are her parents the shouty type? It can be learned behaviour, still doesn’t excuse ranting at a baby.

This could be hormonal, possibly perimenopause.
On the other hand parenting could now be too much for her and maybe going back to work to have a break from the child may help. I know childcare costs are not cheap but it could be worth it for her mental health.

How dare you be away. Haha
Are t people.pathetic
Shes needs help...a gp and some get your shit together meds should help.
Being angry and upset becuase the kids veing full on what happens as the ages and stages contuine for 18yrs!
I guess itz all your fault lol i am kidding

cooking dinners is no big deal . Sorry but it’s not . And when you are the one at home you have more time to plan and chose ingredients . Bringing a toddler out to the shop to chose something for dinner is a great time killer for me .

Should she not be taking the time to ask herself why she behaves like this and doing something about it. Should she not lay down at night and think to herself.. I’m being emotionally abusive towards my toddler and it needs to stop.
My mum was like this, has she got mental health issues.. probably. She still managed to terrify me throughout my childhood, and whatever her reasons that wasn’t ok.
I’ve already posted upthread but I now longer have any contact with her, none of her children do.
I also have very little time or respect for my dad for not leaving with us.
Id like to think most people understand that for a baby or toddler to sleep they need a calm, loving, peaceful environment.. slamming doors and screaming at a toddler is horrendous behaviour no matter the reason.
I get how sleep deprivation affects mums I really do, I had a baby that woke every 90 minutes with colic. I was on my own and there were times I’d put him in his cot crying and give myself 15 minutes.
Some mums aren’t good mums, some are neglectful and abusive, I wouldn’t feel comfortable at all leaving my child with this woman.

@Letthesunshine1234 She goes to the gym several times a week. Nice. Where is the baby? And this is the only free time we know about.
Disingenuous to say she is with the baby 24/7.

You need to start doing the night and helping her out. If she says no - you insist and get up anyway. She is struggling and really needs your support now. Being a SAHP should not mean you do all the dinners and night time waking with a child. She has the two hardest jobs in your home.

I've done both, except I had two under 5. Being a SAHM was the far easier of the two. I hated it so returned to work.

I agree. But we all know what his wife would say to that suggestion.

It will likely involve her changing her day to day life more than she has to make this work too.
Perhaps going back to work at least pt?

Nobody is saying that screaming at your child is acceptable FFS. What people are trying to say is that the answer isn’t to berate his wife or get her to anger management sessions - it’s to ease the burden on her so she’s not at breaking point. ‘Offering to help’ is NOT easing the burden and even referring to it as ‘helping her’ rather than doing tasks that he should already be doing because it’s his responsibility as well.
I would find it far easier to work my corporate 6 figure salary job whilst also being sleep deprived than I would looking after a toddler.

If she was like this before but it's got worse since the child have you considered she might have something like ADHD?
ADHD anger—often called ADHD rage—is a sudden, intense emotional outburst caused by trouble with brain self-control and emotional regulation. It brings rapid onset, high intensity over small triggers, and difficulty calming down etc.
Might be worth considering this as a possibility.

The child that slept well until recently? The child thats going through a blip and doesn't need to be screamed at by their primary care giver?

If he was offering help and being told no what are you expecting him to do force the issue? That would be abuse

He doesn’t do any.

He can’t be arsed to wake with his crying child, that’s not a man who’s about to file for full custody fgs.

Reading between the lines (and I could be wrong) she’s unlikely to have gone from good mental health to poor just in a few weeks/ months since stopping breast feeding. Likely a build up.

I agree it shouldn’t be reactionary career change/ quit straight away scenario but defo starting to look at plan B to enact if/when needed.

Those first 2-3 years form a human. Their experiences in those early years make them. This can be confirmed by any child development text book. If it’s high stress and shouty you won’t fully repair that damage if you leave it to roll another year or two.

Being absent working away a lot is not ideal for any parent with young children, the young children or the spouse left ‘holding the baby’. It’s really a job you choose if you don’t want/ have kids or pre or post young kids. It’s far from ideal for male or female parent with under 10s, even though many do. It’s a life choice even if it is a good earner.

If serious about being a family unit where both parents are invested in as people, kids are happy and marriage is strong, I do think you have to work as a team, what that looks like needs to be agreed by both parties.

They need to talk. He needs to find out what
her ideal looks like, share his and then somehow meet in the middle. It will likely involve him changing his day to day life more than he has to make this work.

I'd recommend her seeing her GP. And both attending some counselling. I don't know your wife, so I can't guess how much of it is pure sleep deprivation and heightened emotions, and how much is a lack of patience and a short fuse, which you say she has always had. But I do know, that if it isn't addressed, resentment will build between the two of you and it'll be over. The fact you've came here to ask for advice, suggests you care, and don't want that to happen. Write a list of things that are upsetting you and things you'd like to change, ask your wife to do the same, see a counsellor and let them help you both work through this list and find ways you can both support each other. I wish you both the very best, all anybody wants for their child is to maintain that stable, loving family unit.

Currently they are a 2 parent family - why would he doing the majority of night wakings when he works and his wife doesn’t??

That would be idiotic and not make sense.

If they separated and have full custody, then yes he’d have to do the majority of night wakes etc which is hard but at the end of the day it’s about what’s best for the child.

Would you not be advising your daughter to separate if you knew her DH was abusive towards their child?
I’m not sure what you find so funny about it tbh.

I never understand why men join a predominantly women’s forum to then just complain about a woman!

However, if you are worried about the safety of your child, you need to act. Anger management courses are not going to change anything quickly, and things are currently at crisis point. You recognise she is struggling, her anger is worse than usual, and she is shouting at your child. So you have to step in and take over. Take time off work, take over night times, have honest conversations that are compassionate and problem solving rather than blaming (I’m just getting sick to death of your temper is hardly going to help here).

If the situations were reversed, we would be telling the mum to leave. So if you don’t feel your child is safe with her, then you take your child and leave.

Being a SAHP is a choice.

Lets not pretend that it’s something that’s forced on you.

When one chooses to stay home, they are agreeing to do the majority of parenting and housework as that becomes their ‘job’.

Evenings and weekends should be shared, which in this case it seems it is.

Some posters will not be happy until OP is working FT and taking on the majority of the parenting, whilst the wife just sits at home doing the bare minimum.
Even then, they’ll probably still find reasons to excuse her abusive behaviour.

I actually think it would be better for OP to stay home and the wife go out to work in this situation.

So he couldn’t possibly wake in the night with his child or put his child to be but he’s going to get full custody 😂