Best friend has made an issue about my DH’s joke over dinner

I’d feel quite violated if a “joke” like that was aimed at me.
I wouldn’t want to see either of you again.
If she’s given an opportunity to apologise then of course he should, and then he should grow the fuck up. Vile pig.

I'm in the trades. I'm used to working with lads on building sites, at the wholesalers and in the pub afterwards and NO-ONE has ever said anything like this within earshot of me, infront of me and certainly not about me while I was there. Don't make excuses for him. I'm so glad attitudes like this are dying out. Your other half.... He's not that plumber wannabee MP from Makerfield who commented on Carol Vorderman is he?

Why did she message you? Because maybe she was hoping that as a female (I assume, but I suppose you could be a bloke) you also wouldn't appreciate intimate jokes about another woman's vagina and sex life. As she already probably felt humiliated and embarrassed I'm guessing she didn't feel up to confronting your husband directly, and hoped you might have a word and explain why what he said crossed a line.

What is today with dirty pervy other halves? 😩

OP, gently, why did you bother setting up this thread if you genuinely believe your friend is being unreasonable? Something about it must be sitting uncomfortably for you.

I think your reaction depends on how much you value the friendship, and whether or not you think the joke was crass is almost beside the point.

To me is is really simple: it seems like you and your husband share a sense of humour (this is great, it's nice to laugh with people you love), you thought your friend shared that sense of humour but you misjudged it, she didn't, and she's told you that. Your options are to laugh it off or apologise. You call her your best friend, so it seems that it's a relationship worth saving.

FWIW I would be deeply uncomfortable too, and for those who are calling us Protestant pearl clutchers (my paraphrase), I think you're missing the point. It's not about whether the joke was crass, but whether or not it was socially appropriate, and the life skill to know when and how to make those sorts of comments. OP and her husband got it wrong, and now they need to decide what to do about it.

Edited to add: There are currently four million people in social housing in the UK, and many more who grew up in it. It's not an excuse for vulgarity

I like a laugh as much as the next person but if my husband said something like this I would not find it funny and I’d be telling him so!

My DH is a tradesman, works with men all day and grew up in the 90’s on a very rough council estate but I can’t imagine him saying something like that to someone

Chubby Brown type of humour really isn’t it. Some people love it and think this type of thing is hilarious, some find it it very embarrassing and depending on how it’s delivered, humiliating to be on the receiving end of.

I once had a friends dh make a “joke” about how I might “suck dick” based on the way I ate something at a pic nic. Gross and a bit creepy. I didn’t laugh and he said I was being childish when I just stopped eating. Turns out his sense of humour worked one way, he didn’t it was “just a joke” when he was later sucking on an ice pole and I’d said he looks like he’s had a lot of practice at sucking poles. He chucked his ice pole in the bin and stormed off and his wife said I’d gone too far.

I would as well.

🤢

Well clearly it’s not just MN if you’ve upset your best friend over this and refuse to admit you’re wrong

What is it with these “just bants” men recently? It’s embarrassing

It’s not something I’d find that funny or something DH would say, but there are approx 8.4 billion of us on earth? Surely people having different humour to you and your friendship group isn’t wildly surprising?

A 'joke' isn't a joke if it's at someone else's expense. His back ground isn't a reason he was vulgar, so don't make excuses for him. The reason is his rude and crass personality.

Plenty of people with the same background and working in a trade are well brought up, self aware, have manners and don't constantly use the toilet humour of a 15 year old.

It may be how you both interact at home so best to keep your type of humour there. Also not a good 'joke' to make when people are eating anyway!

I think the comment is a bit much but it’s not your job to police your DHs language. She should have spoken up at the time and shut it down. If her own DH also laughed, is this typical of their humour and on this occasion she’s responded differently? Or would she never find a comment like this funny?

You’re not responsible for the comment but you’re responsible for sitting laughing at it and tolerating that comment from your DH.

i wouldn’t consider myself uptight or prudish in the slightest but would find that a disgusting comment for a friends DH to make at the dinner table

That’s gross. If any of my friends’ husbands thought it, they never would’ve said it with the wives there.. really disrespectful.

Gross. There are people on MN whose humour is just so different to that of me and my friends. I simply can’t image any friend making such a crude joke like this.

Rude, crass, inappropriate. It was entirely the wrong setting for that kind of joke.
Shame neither of you can see that.

I’ve unfortunately encountered a few men like your husband. They think being dragged up is an excuse for vulgarness and their upbringing rids them of any responsibility for social norms in adult life. It doesn’t.

To be honest with your lack of awareness for etiquette and empathy for your friend you’re coming across almost as rough as him. I can see why he married you.

Of course I am for real. I, like OP’s ‘friend’, would have felt humiliated and embarrassed by the comment. Why would I want to stay in a situation where someone had made me feel like that? I would have got my delicious and very hot curry to go and had a much better time at home.

There's a big difference between "going NC" with someone you see regularly and deciding not to socialise as a couple because a friend's husband is crass and inappropriate.

I don't know about you, but I spend my free time with people I like, not people who are unpleasant.

Grim. I don’t know anybody who would make that kind of comment. You laughed, she’s upset and probably at least partly that you didn’t bollock him. I’d feel humiliated if someone made that sort of comment to me. Sorry to be snobby, but it strikes me as extremely low class and yes, sexist, but I don’t know any man who would dream of making that kind of comment to a woman. I don’t think that’s being uptight, it’s just not being mannerless and uncouth.

I cannot abide such crass and puerile behaviour. Men like this literally turn my stomach. Is he always such a twat?

If my husband said this to me in private I would laugh and probably make a joke back. If he said this to a female friend of mine I would be mortified and wonder what was wrong with him

That doesn't mean it's ok for him to be thinking about and commenting on what your friends get up to sexually. It's nothing to do with 'being uptight' to think he's grim.

Ew

Eww your husband sounds like an idiot. What a horrible "joke"