Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

You have to manage her. 4 options I can see

1. explain why you aren’t accepting play dates - too disappointing.
2. don’t tell your child they are happening until they are on route as a nice surprise.
3. go somewhere that beats the PlayStations (trampoline park) even better if she has to pay in advance!
4. like option 2 but plan a park picnic and if she turns up bonus but you are your child still do something nice (but still don’t tell your child they might be there)

Me too -
always cancelling -
I concluded that she is lazy and when it came to moving her ass she just couldn’t be bothered
I stepped back
I don’t miss her

Such a bad example to the kids. We have a saying in our house ‘Gobbies never flake’ - how are they gonna learn resilience if they can’t even see a play date through?

Yeh that’s not on, sometimes you just have to get on and do things as you’ve made arrangements with others or because there is a need and as a parent you need to just tell them it’s the case.
its probably that the mum can’t be bothered but that’s not acceptable- shows she doesn’t value the time and feelings of others.
if this happened multiple times I wouldn’t bother making arrangements again.

I'd say it's her who cba and she hasn't even asked the kids tbh. Rude and I wouldn't be rushing to fix anything else up.

She's going to breed terrible flakey kids. Lots of times I don't feel like doing a prearranged thing right now. But you crack on and do it. And mostly have a nice time! It's important to push past that inertia and keep to plans, unless a leg has fallen off or something.

This is one of the times when it is more polite to be direct. When she asks for a play date say something like “Dude, you cancelled at the last minute last time. If we arrange, it really needs to happen because my son ends up disappointed otherwise.”

Out of nosiness, how do you react when she cancels at the last minute? If you say “Oh that’s fine, I totally understand” then she may think it’s not a big deal. It is quite all right to say “Oh God, really? Susan asked to do something with us this afternoon but I put her off because we had plans with you”.

I'd give her one more chance but explain when you're arranging it that your son has been disappointed when he has been looking forward to a playdate ams they get cancelled at the last minute so please could she try and make sure it goes ahead

Or if she is clear that she can't commit 'might be able to do tomorrow afternoon, I'll see how the kids feel' I'd either make definite plans with someone else, and tell her, because you don't want to risk a day with no plans going ahead (just say that's fine we can set up another date when you know for definite that you can make it) , or if its the park then take your son anyway, tell him its just him and if they turn up its a bonus

I had a friend who'd ask for play dates then ditch me when something better came along.

I hated disappointing my child but I liked her company kids got on so didn't wnat to lose freindship so only saw her at groups or as part of a larger group doing something - so was also always late so met her at locations - if she turned up great if not we still went and did the activity.

My first was very young at time - but not sure I'd have continued if they'd been older and upset even with my management - we moved away so I didn't have to make that choice.

I would dodge any future requests - you could try we'll be in park at x time if kids want to meet if you want route.

I'd be annoyed too. You've arranged your day around the playdate, you could have done something else if you'd known she'd cancel.

I'd probably try to discuss it with her. "We'd only like to make plans if you will definitely come, excepting emergencies."

I find this a lot with clubs and workshops. Lots of people not turning up to booked sessions because their child doesn’t fancy it on the day. Perhaps I’m awful but I don’t care if my child fancies it on the day or not, if I’ve booked something either because she initially said she wanted to do it or because I know it’s something she’ll enjoy, then we’re going even if she moans getting ready to go.

Good luck to her, she'll need it when they get to teenage years.

I’d stop making plans. It’s selfish for her to repeatedly cancel at the last minute.

Very rude and annoying. I hope your DC isn't feeling let down by their changes of plan too.
I would give up trying to arrange anything - if she asks again for a playdate spell it out to her why your saying no. She may get better?

Just stop agreeing to meet, it will only lead to disappointment, I have a friend who really wants to meet but when I give a day and time something always came up. I can't understand why but it's not worth trying to. I don't ever agree now, I just say yea! one day! actually she knows now it's water off a ducks back, I realy can't be bothered anymore

I’ve always found it quite strange to give youngsters so much choice from a very early age………like asking an 18 month old “what they’d like to wear today” ……and then moaning because they took so long to choose, made everyone late, missed the bus, can’t go to the park now.
I think OP is right to carry on with arrangements even when DS says otherwise……an arrangement is just that, why disappoint others unnecessarily on a whim. The friend sounds shallow and gives in to her kids too. Personally OP, I’d make my own plans IIWY and enjoy time with DS.

Well she’s teaching her kids a great lesson there…..

Next time she suggests something I’d call her and say “look we want to see you guys but only if you are actually committing!”

' Sorry friend the meet up doesnt work for me as its difficult to manage last minute cancelations, however we will be going to the park, swimming pool, cinema at x time. Your welcome to tag along'.

Sounds more like crap / lazy parenting on her part.
She's going to have a LOT of fun with her kids as they get older and get into teens because it will become a case of 'fuck off mum I'm not going to do xyz just 'cos you say so.' She'll roll over and give in for a quiet life. I know someone who has created a similar situation with their child.

YANBU it’s rude and not normal.

I would be telling her that you’re not going to make any other plans with her.

Its awful behaviour if she’s teaching her kids this.
However, it may not be her kids.
My friend is in a controlling relationship and would do exactly this because her DH would start an argument over it or guilt trip her into going out.
I also had a MH issue years ago, most days I would be fine but then something would trigger me and I wouldn’t be able to leave the home. I missed out on amazing things that I really wanted to do but ‘couldn’t help it’.

So I’d call her out over it but be gentle.

Totally not fair to you or your kids
I had a friend like this ,I stopped arranging anything

I’d stop making plans or accepting invites. If she questions it I’d say the last minute cancellations aren’t working for you and it’s disappointing your dc.
I’m in camp if you have made plans or a commitment you go and it’s rude to flake out last minute.
There’s definitely a trend with parents picking and choosing at last minute and no expectation child will go if they suddenly don’t fancy it.
I was of the get your shoes on we are going they are expecting us and you’ll have fun when you are there. Obviously if they don’t have fun together stop arranging things. It’s rude just to flake out at the last minute.

Yes, it's really rude.

If you're inclined to be very sympathetic, maybe she has some sort of social anxiety issue and whilst she wants to go when she arranges it, sometimes she just can't face it?

Stop agreeing - she is rude.

I used to have friends who were always badgering me to meet up but then were never available, turned up super late, and / or wanted me to do all the travelling every time. Some people just like to say "oh we must meet up" but really cannot be bothered with the reality. I have had to massively step back from these friends for a number of reasons but this was a big part of it. The fake "we miiiiiissss yoooooou. Must meet up. Love and hugs" but then never actually available or only available if it was made as easy as possible for them. Like you, I never suggested a meet up so 🤷‍♀️.