Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

No this isn’t normal. I have three kids and if we have a plan they are coming along, i follow through on commitments because that’s being a good friend. She is not being a good friend to you and not valuing your time. I would quietly move on

Stop making plans with her. Tell her that your son is upset when he is looking forward to seeing his friends and is let down so you're not prepared to do it anymore. She is teaching her children that it's ok to let people down if they can't be bothered. You're teaching your child that it's not ok. That will stand him in good stead in the long run.

Absolutely but clearly she never learned that along the way. It is very disrespectful behaviour. I’d stop arranging to meet her and if she asks why I’d tell her.

She is raising selfish entitled children. Does she have no thought for you and your kids? I can't imagine letting a friend and friend's children down in that way.

So what's your plan to tackle it?

Speak to her about it or stop agreeing to play dates?

What about having the play dates at your home and making zero effort, so if they don't show, you don't lose out?

Or will that prevent you doing other fun stuff?

I would be silently looking forward to the days when she can't get her teens to do anything if they don't want to! She letting them rule their roost but she doesn't have to let them rule your roost!

It reads to me like her kids aren’t interested in playing with yours and so she tries to encourage them but they refuse and she doesn’t want the drama.

If she knows her kids don't want to meet up with op's son she shouldn't make the arrangement in the first place.

If her kids carry this last minute flaking into teens and adulthood, their own friends will get fed up with them. And it won't get them anywhere in the workplace.

I wouldn't arrange anything futher with her and be honest why if she asks.

I’d arrange one more thing with her, with no intention of going, and do the same to her last minute.

Then just move on.

I also think cancelling is unfortunately much easier now people can just send a WhatsApp! Was way more awkward and uncomfortable when you had to actually ring them and face the awkwardness!

"that's a real shame because DC has been looking forward to seeing them all day. He's going to be really disappointed"

Then next time she makes an arrangement, "I'd love to and so would DC, but we need it to happen this time because it's not fair on my DC if it's cancelled again"

I agree with PP I'd decline any more meet ups and be honest that your kids keep being disappointed with the cancellations. I'd maybe do the "we're going to x at 2pm if you want to join" whilst not mentioning it to your own kids.

And yes, she's going to create flakey adults.

'tbh I don't want to make an arrangement because you often cancel last minute and my DS gets really disappointed'

She can't argue with that...

Agree with this. You can be direct, but polite

Make it clear that last minute cancellations don't work for you

It’s her normal and that’s all you need to understand. I’d be straight with her and say that her unreliability has become a pattern and that’s not fair on both you and your child.

Incredibly disrespectful, I think I would have to say something to her about it.

Not only would I not make arrangements with her in future, but if she asks why not (and maybe even if she doesn’t ask) I would say sorry but I’d rather not because it’s really upsetting for DS when you cancel at short notice. (If I Was feeling brave and didn’t mind risking upsetting her I might say he doesn’t understand it because I’ve always told him if he’s committed to doing something he has to go through with it unless there’s a really good reason not to.)

It’s very rude BUT I can also get this.

you have ONE. Very easy to manage. Some days my kids drain me and some days they truly enjoy playing with just each other.

I have a friend whose kid is same age as mine and she is very happy to leave him the entire day with us! It’s awkward as he will pester her in front of all of us and she is only to happy to leave him and ‘come back in a few hours’.

We made plans yesterday to go to the park and have a picnic. My kids woke up, decided it’s too hot and would rather play at home. I too just want to put on the least clothing and relax at home, do water play or something. I really don’t want anyone else’s kids around. I’m glad we didn’t make plans with anyone as well.

I do feel bad for my mum friend as she is asking on our group chat if anyone wants to do something or have her child over and it’s all quiet.

I would never cancel 30min before but also know that sometimes managing two or more kids gets quite tricky.

Totally rude.

She seems to see these plans as a casual option though not firm plans. In future I would just leave it casual too “me and kids off to park at 10 if you want to meet up” rather than plan your day around her

My DC are grown up now but similar happened when they were small. After a couple of times of the friend cancelling just before the playdate, she admitted that her DS wasn't keen on playing with my DS. So after that we met up as adults only from time to time. It was difficult for her to admit this and I was grateful for her honesty.

Not normal or ok. Is she usually a permissive parent? It sounds like she's just trying to avoid the kids being unhappy, which isn't good for them or fair on you.

Came on to say exactly this! She’s not only pissing you off and disappointing your kids, but is also teaching them the wrong lessons and her DCs will be known as the flaky ones when they are older that people don’t want to make plans with. Obviously not right to force them if there is a valid reason but hers are not.

If you / up or DCs have plenty of other people can plan stuff with then yes, a slow fading. I think however it’s better to have that one conversation with you in a diplomatic way and say ‘We love hanging out and doing things with you but tbh my DC (and I) have ended up having our plans cancelled by you the last 3 times and it means we end up doing nothing whereas I could have made other plans and I have to deal with their disappointment’

Then she has one last chance

But not if her kids said not to 😋

TELL HER!

”friend, this is the last time I’m asking you for a meet up, it’s beyond rude to bail last minute and frankly idiotic to let kids dictate what you have arranged to do with someone else”

Control yourself and stop arranging anything

God how infuriating. Just gaily wasting your time isn't she?