Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

My sister is like this with her kids. We went on holiday with them and every decision each day was whatever the kids wanted, including where to eat on a night! Me and my husband went off and did our own thing most of the time. Never again!

When the kids are paying for the meal they can choose the restaurant. 😂

If she requests another date, I'd tell her that you can't commit as she keeps bailing on you (just as you've explained here) and it's not fair on your DS who keeps being disappointed. If you don't tell her why you're dropping this relationship, she'll assume some other reason. This way, she may reconsider the impact of her actions.

It shows she has no regard or respect for your time at all. If she tries to arrange something again I would have to be honest and say to her that as much as you like her, you don’t want to make plans as she has a bad habit of cancelling last minute and that you find that frustrating and disappointing.
spell it out to her like she’s a child, as she either hasnt considered the impact it has on others, or she is aware but doesn’t care about others

Bet the nursery/school staff love this woman! No doubt she expects them just to arrange the timetable round what these kids want. And their employers are going to be really happy as they'll grow up thinking the world revolves around them.
When you commit to something, especially when there's a kid involved, you don't cancel unless an emergency comes up. You shouldn't wait around for a flaky friend who is always late/only comes when it suits her, and don't inflict it on your kid either. I wouldn't make arrangements again with her, and explain you're not having your kid disappointed.

Is it better to lie?

Alright, so you are different types of people. You can choose who to spend time with and she can choose how she parents her kids. Neither of you are wrong.

My daughter would rarely say no to a play date, but if there was something she really didn’t want to do, it did nobody any good to drag her there anyway. Similarly, If I’m too shattered to go somewhere, I don’t owe anyone my time. Her kids (are or she is) telling you they don’t want to spend time with you and your kids. She shouldn’t be cancelling last minute, that’s not on, but if she is otherwise reliable, there is something else going on. Maybe stop with the play dates and concentrate on your relationship with her.

If you like her, only make plans that involve other people so it doesn’t matter if she bales.

No you're not being unreasonable at all. She is. It's terribly disrespectful to cancel pre-arranged plans because you don't fancy it anymore, even worse to admit to the other person that's the reason for cancelling! She doesn't value the friendship, sadly, so I'd stop making plans with her and find some more reliable friends/playmates for your child.

She's teaching her children a terrible example. If you make plans you see them through, baring extreme extenuating circumstances (illness etc). I/we/they don't feel like it anymore is not acceptable. I doubt she gives her kids that much autonomy if it's something she's pre-booked and paid for up front (farm trip, cinema, theme park etc). Part of me wonders whether she's even asked the kids and whether it's actually her that doesn't fancy it. The playstation excuse definitely suggests that. She couldn't be bothered to leave the house, she didn't want to risk breaking the temporary harmony of them playing nicely together. Even then, she could have still said "the kids are settled here playing on the PlayStation, come on over here instead and join us". Honestly, forget about her. She's not a true friend.

Not normal at all, awful behaviour.

She obviously decides in the day that she can’t be bothered and blames the kids.

Yes, I raised my eyes at that as well!

She’s rude - you don’t bail out of plans unless there is an emergency.

My dh always used this excuse to get out of doing anything family related. Plain rude imo.

Some people bail on plans. You and I do not, Holiphant. I think it is best we hang out with people with a similar planning mentality. Like you, if I had made a plan to meet for a play date, only an actual emergency would have prevented me from going. Lots of other people are like us. Hang out with them. It's easy.

I have always shared plans with DC too. This isn't universal either. I know a few people who don't tell their kids until they are actually going somewhere. I have close family members who operate on this basis. I don't get it. But we are all different.

Time is short and I came to the conclusion I should spend it with people who are easy to arrange things with. This is what I need. Some people are much more spontaneous. I can do that too but I don't want my whole life to be last minute decisions. How I choose to spend the morning will be affected by my afternoon plans.

I had a friend like this, she would cancel anything and everything because her son didn't want to, she'd say he 'Wouldn't let her' (this was when he was 5 or 6, by the way!). They missed playdates, parties, appointments for both her and her son, things she'd promised to do with other people. The final straw for me was when she'd insisted on taking me to a hospital appointment (I don't drive and it was at a hospital 2 X buses and an hour away), I was fine getting the bus but she wouldn't have it. She rang me 10 mins before she was due to collect me to say her son was insisting on watching a particular episode of a TV programme over and over again, so she wouldn't be able to take me. It was fine, I was able to get a taxi (I couldn't get the bus at this point because I would have got there too late), but I couldn't be friends with her any more, it was just the latest in a long list of things.

I wonder if her kids are neurodiverse or anxious or don't like your kids tbh.

Some children refuse to do things at short notice because they were never keen - she might be covering it up pretending they are happy doing something

Cancelling a plan because the kids are happy on the playstation is beyond bizzarre.

I would just tell her straight - not sure why you wouldn't!

'jenny, my kid can't cope with last minute disappointment like this so totally understand if yours aren't keen but lets avoid plans involving the children for a while'

This. Some people take child centered parenting way too far in my opinion and can't see the difference between a child's needs and a child's want.

I am friendly with a mum like this. We met through DC's activity. We had an arrangement to meet before said activity for the children to play together. She would also send me a message on the morning saying "DC doesn't feel like it today, we're not coming at all". I've stopped suggesting it now, as my DC was quite sad every time I had to say "sorry your friend isn't coming after all".
If I've arranged to meet someone, or promised DC and activity , I would only not go if we were ill/ the car wouldn't start.

Its the good old gentle parenting at its best. But just laziness really. I often wonder what will happen when today's kids have to work for a living and can't just say no.

Don’t bother asking again, Just make sure that when you take your kids out somewhere you send her pictures of them having a great time. with lots of # ### making great memories, enjoying the summer, a fabulous day out, tired but happy, such fun with my kids today, brilliant time today, making the most of the holidays, time goes so fast with kids - you have to seize every opportunity. 😁

This very interesting Dsis is similar, her 14yo school refuses- I always thoight it was ND related but now I wonder....

Well that's lovely that she'd do a 3am pick up but I disagree that she's therefore "unselfish" - she is being selfish within the basic context of your relationship ie. play dates, meet ups etc. the things that your day to day relationship is actually about. It's extremely inconsiderate, literally, she simply isn't considering at all how her decisions affect you and your DS. That's not OK.

Show your son that it's not OK to do that by not accepting people doing it to you.

We had similar with a lot of friends and family over the past few years for various reasons, it has got to the point now where we just tell our kids we are going out, and then when we have confirmation from the other party that they have set off, then we tell the kids. Just saves their disappointment.

That is so annoying, just say, 'you can pick the next date, as it always changes at the last minute'

Apart from the rudeness and unkindness to op and her son it’s really bad parenting.

One of the things I’m most proud of my two is they are really good friends to their friends. Now late teens they both have a longstanding group of lovely loyal friends. You don’t help your kids achieve this by modelling treating your own friends like this

Not normal at all and a bad lesson to teach her kids, that it's ok to flake on arrangements made with friends for no good reason