Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

Drop her. I was friends with a school mum who asked for a play date in the park with DS and her DD during the holidays once. She turned up over an hour late because, as they were leaving to come to the park, her DD announced she wanted to show her doll to another friend. So she took her child to this other house and didn't bother to let me know. This woman was unable to say the word No to her child. When she arrived I told her DS was hungry and wanted lunch (which was true) so we'd be leaving within the next 30mins. She became upset, said her DD had been looking forward to playing with DS all day and then proceeded to say dramatically "SO Sorry DD, [DS]'s mum doesn't want to stay for very long" Lol.

I can't deal with parents like this.

Good idea.

Your friend is a people pleaser, she is organising play dates even though her dc are clearly unenthusiastic. She drops everything for everyone at 3am etc, and then becomes unreliable when she can no longer manage.

Some parents of only children put other families under a great deal of pressure, maybe subtly or not so subtly to organise stuff. When actually the summer is about kicking back, and not being forced to adhere to strict timetables/plans. Freedom essentially.

She’s a crap parent and a rude person. Next time she suggests a meet up I’d say ‘what if your children don’t fancy it though?’ And see what she says. I wouldn’t bother with her myself, and would make an excuse every time she suggests a meet up.

This is a strong possibility. This is a friendship of 2 parts. The child part and the you and her part. I would drop the child part if you want to stay friends and just do adult things.
Sounds like her children are genuinely not interested in playing with your child, maybe because they have each other for company.
She needs to stop making playdates that they obviously don't want.

It's rude and disappointing. Stop arranging stuff with her and tell her why. I've recently done something similar. I work full time and in one friend group everyone else either works in schools so are off in the summer or they're on mat leave or part time. So I took annual leave to meet up with them to do an activity/day out with our kids - always something suitable for their kids' ages as mine are older - and twice they all ended up bailing because they decided to go camping or have a longer weekend away and make the most of the weather. And I'm there like "um, this is my one precious day off this week and I'm using my holiday to go to this thing because I wanted to see you all and now you've made it weird". Even when it's a pre booked ticketed thing! I ended up taking my nephews and mum along with me to one thing and went on our own to the other thing but this year I've just said "I'm muting the chat, message me separately about any evening meet ups, I'm not doing day time stuff as I can't trust any of you to actually turn up."

Yanbu to feel irritated when someone repeatedly makes plans and then cancels for not good reason 30 mins before you have arranged to meet .
Its irritating because it show a lack of respect for your time and shows no understanding that you may have turned down other opportunities or moved plans to accommodate the arrangement you made with them.
In the end you either have to accept the person is flaky or say im sorry i cant make arrangements to meet anymore because you are unreliable and it wastes my/our time which we value.

It’s lazy parenting. I can’t be arsed with people who allow their kids to do as they please, especially around devices! I’d maintain friendship with her if you value it, but I’d stop any plans that involve your child being disappointed due to this

Surley she'd have worked this out before now?

I have ND kids disgonsed very late - but we learnt to manage them.

Once DS came along I couldn't have coped with this behavior at all - as he struggled with plan changes hugely - someone deciding last minute not to turn up would leave me scrambling and likely having a fucking awful day trying to get him back on track .

We also raised our ND kids with expectation if they said they were doing something they held to that - think that's helped them when fears would have stopped them doing things otherwise.

It's all about reciprocity. You can't expect things from others that you're not willing to give yourself.

I would step back and treat the plans very loosely. So basically do the same as her. Meet up if nothing better to do, but otherwise bail. Don't change your plans etc for her, and if you change your mind, then don't meet her.
Appreciate easier said than done. And I find this the height of rudeness. Maybe you are meeting too often too - if the playdate was once a week instead of every other day for instance, it might be seen as a bigger deal.

No, it's not normal. If arrangements have been made, then the children go, it's that simple. Cancelling due to a legitimate reason, like illness or the cars broken down, I understand.

Your friend is teaching her children, that if they don't fancy doing something, regardless of what arrangements are in place, it's fine to pull out. Life doesn't work that way! We all have to do things we don't always feel like doing!

I don't feel like going to work some days, but I doubt my boss would be very understanding, if I said 'I just don't fancy it today'!!

I wouldn't be arranging playdates with your friend, because she's unreliable and that's making you son sad.

I know someone who does this. She is making her children very entitled and teaching them other people's feelings are not important.

Hate this. I have a friend who does it too - I'll tell my kids we're doing x but when we get there hers have declared they 'don't fancy it' and so plans are changed to accommodate what they want to do. Sometimes mine are OK with that if the alternative is fun, but sometimes they're really disappointed.

The one time I absolutely insisted we do what we'd planned, her kids spent the whole time whining and saying how rubbish it was which totally ruined it for everyone and had my kids feeling silly for liking it. Hmph.

This, you say, is a close friend?

She doesn't want to see you.

Completely agree! I would say that you do owe them your time because they’ve committed their time to you. There’s a natural reciprocity there.

When you stop arranging things with her, do it in a straightforward way and let her know why. Maybe that will encourage her to change her ways (I may be grasping a straws though). Her behaviour is very selfish, and she's abdicating adult responsibility to her children.

Morally, no. It could spare feelings though. Telling someone you or your kids don't fancy it any more is basically saying "sorry, I don't really want to hang out with you". She could have definitely come up with an excuse to spare feelings. It's not morally right, but in the circumstances I think it's preferable yes.

I wouldn't bother with her again. I truly hate people like this, who waste other people's time constantly. Life is too short for this bullshit, and these kind of bullshit people.

Similarly, If I’m too shattered to go somewhere, I don’t owe anyone my time.

If you've made an arrangement with someone, you absolutely do owe them that time, outside illness and emergencies.

It's really bad parenting, but also quite common, at that moment in time it's easier to leave them on the PlayStation than get them to go out.

Are there any obvious mutual friends, so if you were meeting her and also another mum and child, it could still go ahead and be fun, even if they flake out?

I think an honest, but polite, reply to her next suggestion is the right approach. If she says "beach on Friday?" you can say "can we invite X along as well, then if your two don't feel like it last minute DS and I can still go, takes the pressure off," or "can you check with your kids now if they want to go, it's not really working for us to find out last minute that they don't," or "can you check it with your kids first and let me know."

This is a rude behaviour from her and she's relying on politeness not to point this out and a lack of consequences. I think it's okay to recognise it tactfully. Even if all that changes is that she has to say to her kids "are you happy to go to the beach on Friday," and then get back to you, it's a little more leg work drawing attention to the fact her behaviour is unusual.

No the friend is definitely in the wrong. Saying no to plans is fine, repeatedly cancelling last minute because you don't fancy it anymore is rude and selfish.

She's a dickhead and raising future dickhead adults so I would be happy to let the kids' friendship dwindle.

"That's really disappointing, my DC have been looking forward to it and it's very late notice to let them down. This has happened a few times so it's probably best we don't rearrange until you're confident you won't change your mind last minute, I'm not willing to risk them being disappointed again".

Basically, make it clear that her children's feelings don't trump yours, even if it's a bit awkward.

I fshe makes an effort with you personally but always bales when it's a meet up with the children then perhaps the children don't get along as well as you think?

Stop arranging things and leave the ball in her court. If she contacts you and suggests you get together sans kids then that will be the answer. If she doesn't get in touch at all then just drop it quietly and disappear. She's not going to prioritise you so don't keep putting yourself out for her, only to be knocked back.