Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

I agree with not making play date plans with her in the future but, please, tell her why. She is rude and teaching her children to be rude.

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When she next arranges a meet up or play date I'd just say that sounds great but my kids get really upset when you keep cancelling at the last minute so unless you're happy to commit let's leave it.

Do you get on one to one? It sounds as of she feels the meetups are for her kids benefit and she is not that bothered.

Do the same to her a couple of times and see if she gets the message how selfish and inconsiderate it is.

Oh yes I agree in general. And if it's happening all the time absolutely not ok - if the children never want to go then it's on that mum to stop organising playdates her children don't want to go on! Just thought all the responses have been a bit draconian, that's all. If they really don't want to go, I think the answer would be to work out why rather than force them repeatedly!

She is a people pleaser, pleasing her kids first a foremost but she's not doing them any favours teaching them its OK to cancel things at the last minute without thinking of others. What about respect and her being in charge not them. This is NOT normal.

You are depriving your child of an important life lesson: if you say you're going to show up to something, you show up. Unless there is a good reason not to.

I had a friend exactly like the one OP describes. She was a single mum - not that most single mums are like this, of course they're not! But in her case i do think it was part of the dynamic - her son got a say in everything. Anyhow, she would call off a play date at the last minute for reasons exactly like OP's examples. She only considered her side of things with zero thought to how it affected my son (and me). She did this with others as well.

I finally told her honestly how hurtful this was to my son who all morning would be looking forward to his friend coming only to be told 30 min in advance that it was called off. It made me feel a little better but made no real difference. She didn't suddenly say, OMG how self-centred I've been! We eventually drifted apart.....

Wow some of the replies on here are crazy!! Of course it's rude and annoying, and if it annoys you and upsets your child then 100% stop arranging stuff with her. But I think it's perfectly OK to let children choose if they still want to go and if they REALLY don't want to go, cancel. They are small people after all and imagine being forced to do something you really don't want to!

Hi op look it this way if she really wanted to meet up she would make the kids go they have plenty of time for PlayStation so it’s her who doesn’t want to. next time she asks say what’s the point your kids are happier on there consoles and I hate having to tell ds the play date is cancelled again. Has he got other friends you can see. If not just take him out it’s her loss.

I know this is a mad concept but have you considered telling her how you feel?

That’s what I was thinking. It’ll be a shit show of her own making.

YANBU, OP. Your friend sounds very inconsiderate, and she's not doing her kids any favours by centering them so much.

My former best friend was similar. Everything had to revolve around her children's preferences. She and I (no kids) would make plans to catch up. I'd suggest a venue (like a cafe), and she'd reply with "I'll let you know on the day. Sometimes my kids are happy to go to a cafe, but other times they prefer the playground."

And of course, 9 times out of 10, her kids would want to go to the playground, and so we'd end up hanging around a hot (or cold) noisy, crowded playground watching her kids play! At least once I had to restrain myself from asking her: "Why are you allowing a 5 year old and a 2 year old to dictate where we go? Can't the adults get to make that decision?"

Her "Let the kids choose!" mentality also manifested in other odd ways. Once, when her eldest was a toddler, we went to a cafe, and the little boy stopped in the doorway. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go inside or not. And my friend was just cooing at him: "What do you want to do, darling? Do you want to go inside, or would you prefer to stay outside? You can decide." And I was like: "UM FRIEND...WE ARE BLOCKING THE DOORWAY HERE!" The situation just didn't register with her. A complete lack of awareness that not everything revolved around her child.

So if she is good in other ways then tell her to her face you dont think her changing plans last minute is on.

She's lazy and doesn't want to leave the house so uses them as a get out clause. It's very bad form.

And when she next requests, I'd be saying 'best not to make any arrangements you can't actually commit to, thanks'. Or the old favourite of 'that doesn't work for me'.

At some point, you really should tell her that you don't want to arrange anything with her because she cancels at the last minute too often. Had you not arranged with her, you'd have arranged with someone else, so her letting you down has an impact. Tell her!

I have times where I know my kids needs some down time and regret making plans, and would gladly take a way out if it was possible so I do recognise the sentiment here.

my kids are real home bodies but I have now learnt what we can manage and not to make to many plans in one week so they can recharge properly.

But there were many times before learning this that I have followed though on plans despite none of us really wanting to, often having a nice time but ending up with two over tired grumpy kids to deal with at the end of the day!! It is selfish to cancel last minute and ruin someone else plans and my kids now understand that too.

I've met enough people who already act like this. They choose to remain unemployed and living off their parents until a job that they want to do with the hours they want comes along.

A lot of adults think it's just fine to behave the way OPs friend is with their own friends. Everything is treated as an option and if they don't feel like honouring it or they get a better offer, they'll happily cancel last minute, a lot of them don't mind if you do it to them either (and TBH I don't care if they do, I'm not treating someone else as a priority when they only consider me to be an option). I'd guess they're the ones bringing up their DC this way.

Or maybe the mother a flacky fuck and not everything to do with being ND?

Honestly even it was kids being ND - and that's not even been hinted at by OP - I'm not sure that helps the OP - she can't control how the friend parents her kids or her canceling on her last minute.

Does it really need the OP to guess at why or just deal with the behavior that is impacting her and her child?

Of course there are reasons why canceling has to be done and yes with ND kids that can happen more often but OP seems to be complaining about a fairly consistent pattern - and only reasons given is kids don't want last minute-not they are having a bad day or are upset - just they've decide to play x box longer.

I don't blame her for being fed up what ever the underlying reason for it is.

That's very annoying. It's one thing if kids are having a really bad day and you think it won't go well, but not just because they'd rather be on the playstation!

Since she isn't rude normally, it sounds like she has some silly ideas about childhood autonomy.

Time to find a new friend. This one is crap.

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