Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

It sounded to me immediately that it's actually HER that doesn't fancy it for one reason or another, maybe just can't be bothered, so she makes up some child based excuse to stymie the whole thing without taking responsibility of it herself...but like you said she doesn't seem to realise how bad it looks when she say's she 'has asked the kids' and they have said they don't fancy it?! 🙄
Only go ahead in the future if she herself instigates the playdate but the first time she backs off then knock it on the head entirely as she isn't worth the trouble, it's a shame for the children but you and you child deserve more respect than she is willing to give. 🙁

I like the phrasing in this second paragraph. Gets the message across.

Good point

That's so rude. What a waste of your day. Dump her and find decent friends.

Next time she asks just say "I'm going to be honest and say that dc gets really disappointed when you cancel last minute so we can only do it if you are certain you are going to turn up" give her that one last chance knowing it upsets your dc and if she is still flaky just say no in future.

Yep! ☝️

Bad manners and is not teaching her kids good manners either. Meet up with others who will stick to plans barring illness of course

Oh my god that's insane!

I've got an only and I'll admit I'd be nervous about having 3 kids overnight, although I'd likely do it and embrace the chaos 🤣 But I can't imagine inviting kids over and not letting them play with stuff, especially if my kid was playing 🤯

Not normal at all, and I expect it isn't really the kids either.
Save your energy, OP.
I hope your little one isn't too disappointed when this keeps happening?
It's entirely up to you, but if it is upsetting for your kid, I'd be inclined to let her know it. She might not care but I think she deserves to hear that her actions are causing other people a problem.

Disgusting behaviour
She’s the adult. She should decide what the child does and no, they don’t get to bail oit and let people down.
Drop her like a hot, flaky brick!

My cousin is like this with her kids. Whatever they say goes. Eldest is 10 now and an utterly spoilt little brat. She (and her husband) can’t see it, so whilst others in the family have hinted at it, she’s oblivious.

She also gives them too much screen time, to the extent that he’s moaning he’s bored whenever he’s not on the screen or doing exactly as he pleases.

Youd think it would occur to people that it’s rude to be fickle but I don’t think it does. I agree with others to slow down the contact. If she asks for a play date I’d say something like this:

”Sorry to be awkward but it’s been really upsetting to son when you cancel last minute, so I think it’s best not to arrange anymore as it’s not really fair on him.”

Next time she does. Tell her what you've said here.
"Im only doing it if you promise not to cancell on me again because your DC are happy on the playstation. My son looks forward to it and he's let down all the time when you cancel. It's also wasting my time, because we are then stuck at home when we could have planned something else."
And really talk it through with her. Give her one more chance and if she does it again, make play dates with others who do turn up.

I had one like this.... I have three kids and she has one and he is a little 'indulged'... Would cancel at the last minute because her child got better offer or cut things short when we've paid to get into something because the child wants to go home... we don't do that anymore... I also found out that when my kids stayed over (only one at a time as she cannot 'cope' with more), they weren't allowed to actually play with anything but were allowed to watch her child play with toys and computer games..... Lots of people indulge this bullshit from their kids... Good luck with that!

I had a freind like this when my daughter was young she was very supportive when my daughter had a long term very serious illness taken us to hospital etc.
But latar on she would arrange play dates but cancel if daughter had a invite from a school freind it did put me off a bit as I ended up with a very upset disappointed child.
I kept some contact and the girls are still long distance freinds now they are adults but in a different situation I may have broken contact I try hard not to cancel plans but I still know a lot off people who think nothing off canceling

It’s simple, don’t fall out, no need to end the friendship etc but just have a stock answer of let’s not make plans until the day so we can see how we feel or make your own plan and be clear you are going whether or not she and her kids are there to attend. That would really irritate me tbh and I wouldn’t want to make plans with her, if you do, be clear in your mind she probably isn’t going to turn up or simply make plans with others.

Totally agree with this.

I don't think it's great parenting. Some may like the idea of children having autonomy, boundaries, not doing things they don't want to etc but I teach mine that if we have a commitment we stick to it. Maybe her kids don't want to hang out with yours anymore but if that's the case she needs to stop making plans.

Not normal at all.
But not normal for you to tolerate this.
So rude.
So disrespectful.
Yet you accept it.
Focus on your self respect and self esteem.
People with these wouldn't tolerate this at all.
Think about what you are modelling to your son.

Yep that's my eldest. I tried to take them to an art activity on Saturday. By about an hour in my 8 yr old was screaming, my 5 yr old has this recent very specific anxiety which I think is related to starting school soon but she really fixates on this random specific thing and she was in a state of enar terror over it. It's a club they normally love but it just wasn't possible that specific day

I have an 8 and 5 yr old, maybe it's me 🤔 although I rarely cancel last minute. But if my kids dig their heels and beg not to go it turns into a mega meltdown especially my eldest and it firstly doesn't just end ok. He's also a big kid, there's absolutely no way to pick him up and make him do something he refuses to do, he's about 4 inches shorter than I am. My 5 yr old I can pick up and put in the car but if she doesn't want to go.somewhere she ragdolls on the floor and it's like carrying a 3 stone limp noodle.

I work almost full time, I don't get a huge amount of time with them, sometimes I just don't want to make a day miserable for us all.

Have you tried sharing with her what you do and asking her to please try it because you don't like last minute cancellations.

Yes this is really annoying - I had a friend who did this though our children were only 2 years old. She would cancel because her son 'was not feeling a bus journey today', or they went to the park and he didnt want to leave, or he didnt sleep well, or they'd had a busy day the day before, or her son just 'wanted a chill day'. It was very annoying. Luckily she moved away do I didn't have to deal with it as the kids got older and my son got more aware. It isnt fair to cancel - it ruins your own plans and you are left with disappointed kids who don't really understand why.

Sometimes I have to bail because my autistic/PDA child would be unbearable too dysregulated. It’s rare that we cancel altogether as generally I only make plans that I’m confident he’ll cope with but on the odd off day everything is unfathomably difficult or anxiety-inducing. It can be super hard to strike the balance between not overwhelming his nervous system and pushing him a tiny bit because we know he’ll get past the anxiety once he’s doing the thing.

I guess what I’m saying is there could be more to ‘the kids don’t fancy it’. Although the PlayStation thing just makes her sound flaky so potentially I’m bringing overly generous.

Someone may have suggested this but could you frame it as concern. As in ‘I’ve noticed that you often cancel play dates last minute so I just wanted to check everythings okay with you all?’ Maybe there’s some social anxiety for her or the kids, maybe she’s got other stuff going on or perhaps she’s just a bit of a dick. By the sounds of it she’s not completely thoughtless. Perhaps she just hasn’t considered the impact on you and your plans.

If she sticks with her original reason then it gives you chance to say ‘I’m sure you’ll understand that it impacts on DS and he’s really disappointed and upset if he’s expecting to see friends and then the plans change at short notice. I end up having to support him with that. I’d really appreciate it if we only made plans if you’re pretty sure you’ll be able to make it, that way we can make other plans and not find ourselves at a loose end’

I hate letting people down, so have raised my DC to respect others. If I say Im going to be somewhere then I will be there. Even if I don’t fancy it at that point (usually feel better once I get to the destination).

I would tell your friend how you feel. So rude!