AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

Slightly off-topic but is there a reason you persist in using the word "pretend" when you mean "claim"?

*edited to say that actually you aren't the only one on this thread. I find it an odd expression though, reminiscent of children's make-believe, but perhaps I'm just not 'down with the kids'.

I mention ONE example where dad worked from home, many can't, where they have a grand-mother doing child-care and can't afford not to work (but have no childcare to pay)

There are many jobs where you cannot do the same job with kids. You just can't, and what you can do wouldn't be fair on the kids if your partner wasn't around to pick up the slack.

It's great to be a principal teacher, but practically, how does it work when you have to leave work to pick up one of your sick kid, how does it work when you have to stay at home? Some schools are understanding but only to a point?

And maybe, some parent do NOT want to miss sports day etc. They could, but they don't want to?

If you want kids, you make a choice. You can't carry on as before.

I have no judgement either way, just saying in reality it's not possible to keep your career the way it was pre-kids. Not for everybody.

It's an individual choice and I agree people do works for them. But personally for me, true partnership is us both working and both earning and both contributing to the financial and physical upkeep of the house and home.

We both live here, we both chose to have children. It isn't about "proving anything". It's about us both showing up for our children when they are ill. Both being involved in their education by doing drop offs, parents evening. That we both value and take pride in where we live by making sure it's clean and tidy. It's about showing our children, we chose to have them and that both their mum and dad are prepared to make sacrifices for them and they are the most important things to us. Not that it's just one parent doing all the sacrificing and grunt work while the other carries on with their life and career as before.

That's my choice for our family. Yours is different which is of course fine. And I've seen MANY comments from SAHM parents towards working mums on here. Usually along the lines of why bother having kids if we dont want to spend time with them, how using a nursery is an institution etc etc.

It's not about what you have taught them. It's about what you're modelling to them. Of course you've taught them alls orts of things, you've had all the time in the world to! What you're modelling is something completely different and saying they see other people do other things and know they have choices doesn't come close to touching the real truth that we all know and is scientifically proven in study after study, children grow up to emulated the relationships they saw modelled at home as children most of the time. It's why children who witness their mother being disrespected grow up to marry a lazy husband who doesn't respect her, it's why sons who see their dad's treat their mothers like shit usually end up divorced or with a downtrodden wife, it's why divorce is more common in children of divorced parents and children who see healthy relationships modelled have healthy relationships and respect their own self worth. It's why it has been proven, in several studies that daughters who have working mothers achieve more highly because they have hard work, ambition and juggling work and children modelled to them and sons of working mothers are found time and again by several studies to have more equal relationships because they grew up with true equality where mum and dad both do everything modelled to them. These outcomes which are well researched and documented prove that knowing what the choices are doesn't stand up to what is actually modelled to children most of the time. SAHMs are more likely to have SAHM daughters. It's a simple fact that cannot be disputed and is proof of the subconscious power of modelling. So no, actually, I don't think your kids are as free to choose and as you think they are just because they know other women have careers.

The girls didn’t want to repilicate it at all. So yes they modelled inequality, but it certainly wasn’t seen as enviable

This is a really interesting point. For the first time, young men are more interested in getting married and having families than young women. And some people speculate it is because men looked at their mum taking care of their dad and said 'I want that!' . While women looked at the same dynamic and said that 'sod this!'

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve just gone back to work after mat leave spent with 3 and 1 year old kids (no nursery for the either), and I couldn’t wait to get back to work! A day at work is significantly easier than a day looking after two toddlers while simultaneously trying to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.

My colleagues have never thrown up on me, made me cry, screamed at me for attention etc. Work feels like a break tbh.

That said, I imagine being a SAHM is significantly less taxing when all the kids are in school.

I think also for many it’s not really much of a choice to start with.

as we know the majority are working class women, often in low paid roles, so if it’s work and pay all your earnings in child care or stay home and do it yourself and not have to do the crappy job, the choice is a no brainer.

the issue is I think they then don’t wish to go back to work, when the kids go to school,and it becomes less favourable for the family and more for the parent who initially stopped.

and then often resentment creeps in. Defensiveness, making normal quick jobs major deals, like pretending dealing with finances is a major activity, or building up holidays and wrap around care as something no one can outsource.

up thread someone went on about jobs with anti social hours, like no one could do these jobs unless childless or with a parent at home, utter nonsense of course, but it’s a form of defensiveness.

i also see it a lot on the inevitable divorce threads, women claiming their ed husband was only successful as they stayed home, again utter nonsense, but it’s a form of defensiveness and personal justification for life choices.

Why can’t team work be each person playing to their strengths? Rather than splitting everything to “prove” something?

I also don’t think most of the SAHMs on this thread have claimed it is a “noble profession” but that it is a choice we have made that suits our family.

most SAHMs don’t speak negatively about WOTHMs.

I generally think that people see other people's choices (e.g. to be a SAHM) as an implied criticism of their different choice (e.g. to stay at work. Or vice versa). So they feel defensive - and this is where the meanness can creep in.

My sister and I have DC the same age. We made different parenting choices. She would constantly pick away at what I chose to do, stressing that her way was better. And it was better- for her! Our choices were best for our family. Her choices were best for her family. She just couldn't see it that way. She definitely saw my choices as me saying 'your choices are WRONG' rather than the truth, which was 'your choices would not work FOR ME AND MY FAMILY because our situations are different'.

I am not saying mothers who work do anything less than I do. People seem to keep missing that.

I have never claimed I do anything WOTH parents do or that it’s hard to be a SAHP. That is something working parents keep pointing out to me, when I am aware.

I have chosen not to work and just do the “domestic labour” side of life and parenting, as is my choice.

You don’t really fhink this do you? Not really? You know single parents, dual career, all have successful careers without someone at home, right, all in the sort of jobs you list?

You work round each other, you have good child care, my husband and I made it work, when I travelled he was at home and vice Versa, we were able to do the majority of school drop offs and pick ups and when we couldn’t we had a fab child minder who did it for us, she then went to a private boarding school as a day pupil. So if we were late she could have breakfast or dinner there, wrap around care, even in state schools is now a thing.

no one needs a stay at home parent, as said, dual career, single parents, all able to do the sort of job requirements you list, with no issue.

You have misunderstood my post, you seem to think ALL I have taught my children is how to do housework! My children do not think that is ALL a woman can do.
my daughters are 4 and 6 and they believe they can do and be whatever they choose and won’t need a man to do anything for them. The same way my single mother taught me.
it is an option, but not their only option in life. They also have women in their lives who are single parents, married parents, divorced parents, women who are in relationships who work full time, part time and not at all.

life is about options and choices and that is what I’m teaching my daughters. Which is exactly the same lessons I would have taught my children if they’d been born male!

But the examples you mention still have two working parents which is my point. My dad was an oil and gas executive with extensive travel. My mum was a principal teacher. Neither had to give up their job so the other could advance in their career.

I really dont want my children brought up to know that they if want to have children and a relationship, that it's only possible if one person works. That somehow an equal partnership is one person sacrificing their career and earning potential while the other person just carries on as before.

It's not about hoovering and housework.

Many jobs require you to be at work and prioritise working hours. In many jobs, travel is expected, over-time is not even "overtime", it's just flexibility around work commitment (which work both ways)

You cannot and will not be considered for the position if you miss breakfast meetings because you had to do the nursery drop off, if you refuse to be around later in the day because you have to pick-up from the child-minder. It will not be a positive that you stay at home randomly because your kids are too sick to go to their nursery or child-minder, or just stay home when they are old enough for school.

You can't be at work and taking your kids to clubs, to parties. There's only so many favours you can ask from friends.

You can't have days off everytime the school is closed, for holidays, for election days, because there's a burst pipe

Some jobs you can juggle more or less easily, a teacher cannot just drop everything and run to their own kids leaving the class alone and someone to take over. My friend who works security in a London airport couldn't manage without her husband working from home and her mother living next door, her shifts can start way too early to leave young kids alone.

It's very easy to pretend you can have kids and work as normal, but it's simply not true. Or not in every field. Some jobs are fine and flexible, no evening, no weekend, no travel.

There wouldn't be any SAH dads if it was always so easy to juggle everything.

I don’t think I agree with you, it’s just not that simple.

I worked but some of my daughters close friends mothers didn’t, I recall a conversation I over hear them having when they were about 15 about working or not working, where they were saying they didn’t know why their mothers didn’t get jobs, why they would want to stay home and do the chores, and worse felt they could give career advice. The girls didn’t want to repilicate it at all. So yes they modelled inequality, but it certainly wasn’t seen as enviable. I have the stereo typical big career. They clearly thought that was something to emulate from what fhey were saying.

i myself was raised by a stay at home mum, or a house wife, i didn’t question it, but there was no chance I’d have wanted to emulate it, doing the cooking, cleaning shopping and quite frankly trying to get into everyone’s business, as she’d none of her own. Always acting like we could only live our lives as she was there doing the chores, and bossing everyone around, it was so far from the truth it was baffling. Her mother was the same.

for me past pre school or at worst primary, this is a house wife or house husband, and unless there is a reason they don’t work Ie medical, I really don’t think the majority of young women today want to emulate it, they want uni, careers, money if their own, independence. Sure of course some do, but it’s not what I’ve experienced in the main. Because they don’t remember the pre school years. And a lot of these women are living vicariously through their families. And the older the girls get the less they find it admirable.

boys However are a different kettle of fish, more of them quite fancy someone doing all the crap at home so they can focus on their careers. Although many want an equal.

But no, simply as we see our parents model it, doesn’t mean we think it’s good and we taught it to them . We are able to see how our parents live and decide if we think it’s what we wish or shun it.

yes, that's EXACTLY what the Poster said. 😂

You are embarrassing yourself now, you really are.

I can't say I really buy into this narrative that housework and running a home is some sort of noble profession, something that proves team work and something to model to our children.

I also don't buy the point that in 2026, that men are completely unable to advance in their career because they might need to do some hoovering or laundry at home or take some days off to look after a sick child. A child they presumably chose to have and have responsibility for.

Housework, admin and groceries are things that everyone needs to do whether you work or not. And most working mums fit these in perfectly well with their jobs fine without their house being a shit hole. And I can guarantee were any of these high flying career men with a stay at home behind them suddenly find themselves on their own, they too would also manage to run their own house without a catastrophic impact on their career.

To me TRUE teamwork is both parents sharing the load. Both doing housework, both sharing child care duties. Actually showing your children that they have TWO involved parents who put them first and show up for them. Not that this is just left to the mum. That if you live in a house, your also responsible for running it no matter what your job or sex status. That's what I want to model for my children.

Personally id ensure my kids are out of bed at a respectable hour, regardless of where they are going. And enforce bed time better if you find this hard (realistically its the kids on screens all night who need to sleep all morning).

But then im not lazy, so well done proving that some SAHMs are?

Ah I see. You misunderstood my post.

The adult sons don't do those things because they see them as womens work because their mum did everything at home and dad only worked. They treat their wives like skivvies as a result and one of them is divorced because she wouldn't tolerate it anymore.

You've taught your GIRLS how to do the housework. That's completely different because you are modelling to them that housework is womens work and women skivvy away after men while they get to go out and have a big life full of achievement.

You have no aha gotcha point here. You've proven my point. I do believe that children only learn equality if it is demonstrated to them by their parents and you teaching your daughters to do housework doesn't change that view in any way.

Let me get this straight — you don’t have a job, any of the time, because if you did your children might have to get up earlier than they’d like during school holidays?

I really have heard it all now.

I am in London, my sisters are in other part of this country and 2b on the continent.
No one does that.

Where do you live exactly?

Not normal where I live. Everyone here who doesn't have a job is just called unemployed whether they have kids or not.

Is it OK for me to laugh at your kids dragged out of bed early during their holidays so they can spend all day in a camp they don't want to go to?

some are as some people who work full time/part time are lazy too many of us have lazy workers in our teams

It's very disingenuous to pretend you do the same if you work full time or if you are a SAH parent. Or YOU do very little, because most of us can't be in 2 places at once.

When you catch up and deal with everything around work, you are just not with your kids. You can be as organised as you want, but you simply have less time with your kids than SAH parents.

It's fine, but let's not pretend it's physically possible to do "exactly what they do", unless you can't imagine that not everyone would spend their life watching day-time tv. Maybe you would, others don't