AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

I can only speak from experience I had a short time as SAHM, have worked PT but mainly very FT. Latter much harder for me. Didn’t have anyone at home to do all had to on top. Single parents who work FT often have it hardest of all imho.

True! The future is unknown. You have to do what feels right for you and your family.

My grandmother grew up without advantage, had 8 kids and was a SAHM until her youngest was 8. My grandfather's mental health collapsed, he took to a chair for the rest of his life and she took a full time job in the insurance industry. My mother, towards the end of the family, was born in 1945. It was considered very unusual to be a working mother at the time according to my grandmother. Jane Austen's experience wasn't everyone's. If I was her descendant, I might feel differently.

I don't think I have made myself powerless with my life choices and I think ignorance is in the eye of the beholder JugBouquet.

It isn't though. All research I've seen shows its the quality of care and attachment that is important for children and nothing do with whether a parent works or not. Research has shown that kids with working parents are equal to those with stay at home parents.

No, shes saying “if you judge me then I’ll judge you”, not “I’m allowed to judge you but don’t you dare judge me”.

I think it's not necessarily lazy (no more than working) and can be good for the family.
But I think it makes the woman ridiculously vulnerable to neglect her financial independence and her career, and to risk her DH moving in a different direction in life to the life she has carved out for herself. I have seen far too many divorces because a husband thinks he has "left his wife behind" whether that is intellectually, financially, etc. I also think husbands offering a stay at home life to their wives are not always well intentioned given it gives them the upper hand.
I never had the option but I'm glad for that.

I'm a SAHM
For nearly 30 years now .
I hate it
I feel judged a lot
I've never had a works Christmas party ,ever in my life
I don't have my own money,I get carers allowance,but it goes to the bills .
I feel guilty buying anything I need
I can't imagine that anyone would choose this for fun
I have two adults with disabilities
I had the children close together so I could get back to work
By the time the eldest was 6 months old we were on the merry go round of hospital appointments trying to find out what was wrong..
So I wasn't able to go back to work,when my maternity leave finished
In society,your identity is closely wrapped around what you do for work
When you don't have that identity,it knocks your confidence,
And that knocks confidence in other areas of life to.
Plus ...once you loose your financial independence,as I have ,your dependent on your husband playing nice with money
Because I'm married I can't claim benefits..not that I would, because I'm not looking for work...how could i work with this situation..
This is it it ..for the rest of my life .
So I imagine most people choose this for financial reasons, because nursery costs are to high ,if women are on a low income to start with ,I suppose they think it's not worth paying nursery fees ,that are more than their income from work

As long as the family is self sufficient and not claiming a multitude of benefits, I say lucky them for having the opportunity. Not lazy when kids are young, probably not lazy when they are at school, just able to do things they want to do such as gym and hobbies so it's a different world to those that need to work.

Please send a link to this research.

I was a SAHM and loved it, definitely the best thing for DS (ASD).

I am also lazy and I love that too.

My Mum was a SAHM and we lived rurally so it was hard for her to get out of the role when it didn’t really work for her.

Also we lived near where my Dad is from so she had a lack of support network.

She was obviously very unhappy and that combined with my Dad hating his job meant it wasn’t a great set up for anyone. I don’t think it was good for us to have her so unhappy.

I'm a full time working Mum and I'm lazy. As evidenced by the fact I'm on Mumsnet at 9.20am.

Some people are lazy, regardless of how their day spent.

I think each to their own, however what I do find infuriating (but also think it just makes them sound a bit thick) is when they say, as a stay at home parent of school age children, that they are so busy, it’s exhausting, it’s a full time job in itself etc.

It isn’t. They’re doing what every working parent does on top of working, potentially minus a couple of hours of afterschool club.

The research doesn't line up with your experience though

People keep arguing that being a SAHM is the "norm" and it really isn't. My parents grew up in the 50s and 60s and their mums stayed at home but it wasn't like how we view a stay at home mum now. Kids were booted out to play as soon as they could walk so the mums could get on with the housework, which was a physical task in itself. They certainly weren't carting kids off to rhyme time at the library or doing nurturing educational activities at home.

And if we really want to get into the nitty gritty actually having one parent stay at home is so far removed as to how we traditionally parent children. Raising children from when we lived in tribes was seen as a group activity with children having multiple caregivers. Even in cultures that live like that today, child rearing is shared. I'm not stupid, I know putting a child to nursery is not the same as this, but also being a stay at home parents isn't "natural" or "normal" either.

It's fine if you want to make it your choice. But kids don't have better outcomes for having a stay at home parent. Kids can feel love, security and stability whether their mums work or stay at home.

as someone who grew up with both parents working and who is very close to both parents I disagree completely. Also , dads are just as well able to look after babies and toddlers .

One of the mums from my school who lives on my road is a sahm and I often think she's lazy. Usually when I see her swanning around whilst I'm working from home. I know it's irrational and ultimately i think those bitter thoughts just come down to jealousy. Not at being a sahm as such, but at the idea of having what seems like so much free time.

Who are you hanging around with?! I’ve worked all my life as have most of my friends but my sisters and some friends are SAHMs and the only thing me and my working friends feel is awe at best and the occasional jealousy at the worst at how they do it!

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. No one ever called me lazy but I did get a reasonable amount of criticism.

Other women used to say “I couldn’t do it, I’d be so bored, I need the intellectual stimulation of work” Lovely.

Men used to criticise me for putting the financial burden all on my DH - as if he 1) hasnt made a joint decision for me to stay home and 2) didn’t benefit from only having to work.

Interestingly I got a lot of criticism (often from the same people!) went I went back to work, because I went back full time so you can’t win.

I do worry for friends who have been SAHM since their adult children were babies. They are financially vulnerable if their DH’s leave or become long term disabled/ill.

Same for SAHDs as long as everyone is genuinely in agreement with the situation (ie not men who refuse to work or do anything in the house and their partner doesn’t agree to that willingly)

You obviously never sat next to me at a dinner party. 😂They may not have a current career to talk about but unless they are a pretty dull person in general with no interests or intellectual curiosity, there is absolutely no reason they should have no 'identity' beyond being a SAHM and nothing to talk about apart from their children.

That's a bit like assuming a woman with a career will have absolutely nothing to talk about except her career. I'm sure for some women and plenty of men, that absolutely is the case, and they are just boring, one dimensional people. The same will be true of SAHMs. They perform the same day to day functions that most working mums have to pay someone else to do for them. That doesn't mean they are all one homogenous personality mass any more than all nurses or all teachers or all bankers are the same personality types. If you'd bother to ask the right questions when you meet SAHMs instead of making lazy assumptions, you'd know that.

And yes, they probably are more 'on top of school' than many working mums, but not always. That's just more of a personality thing and depends entirely how organised and motivated a person is.

But let's be honest, in an ideal world someone has to be 'on top of' school. If it's not you because your job doesn't allow you the bandwidth for it, then who is doing it for your children?

I think we should take the word “lazy” out of our collective vocabulary especially when talking about women’s choices.

Who tf cares if it works for the woman and she/ her partner are financing it?

Bringing up children is an important job and often very hard (esp when kids are v young)

Yes a SAHM to older kids will get plenty of nice rest but that’s not something to condemn necessarily. Or she might study or do an interesting hobby and why shouldn’t she?

EDIT - I’ve always been a WOHM so not self interested here

You’re going to get so much vitriol on this post 😅

I don’t think STAHP are lazy no. But do I think it’s much easier than working a full time job and then doing all the things that STAHP would do during the day. Throw in the fact you don’t have to deal with any financial responsibilities of carrying a family and also working mum guilt and juggling the almost daily events at school yeah I think it’s a very charmed life.

When I was on the primary school run and at parent meet ups ten years ago it seemed to be the mums who worked full time who got all the judgement. The mums who didn't get judged/did the judging were married or partnered, worked part time term time only and volunteered for everything at the school! You do you...

pretty sure the poster meant here that SAHMs are betting a significant portion of their long-term financial security on the continued success of their spouse's career and the expectation that financial support will continue.