AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

I’m a SAHM to 2 primary aged kids and I enjoy the freedom it affords me.

I can also still hold a conversation with intellectuals and highly educated people in subjects other than my children or the housework because I’m not an idiot, I am also educated and intelligent.

Had it a lot with my first, I was only a sahm for the first couple of years. I was only 16 and quite timid so an easy target for people’s bullshit.

There’s a lot of people who only voice their big opinions to people they know will take it

I think the crucial thing that gets missed, is that working parents (who can't afford to outsource the domestic load) have to fit in all the jobs a SAHP does PLUS an additional 40 hours of paid labour as well. For many working parents it isn't either/or - it's both. When I was on maternity leave it was wonderful because I could do all of the domestic stuff and mental load in the daytime and collapse onto the sofa in the evening to recover. I know this is controversial but I actually found mat leave a dream, it was so much easier to manage life when I only had to focus on the children and home! Now, I have to squeeze all of that stuff into early mornings and evenings around my full time job - it doesn't just go away because I also have a paid job!

I said of school age children

Depends on a person, some are lazy, some are not. It is not like it is a special breed of their own people - like everywhere, there are lazy teachers and not lazy teachers, lazy doctors and not lazy doctors, the list goes on. You would be surprised, there are some lazy Olympic medallists - loads of interviews on YouTube with coaches, fascinating.
I have never been a sahm, but I have a glowing example of my SIL, who was a sahm, who brought up bilingual children (French) who can cook, sew, mend electric circuits (I kid you not), play the piano (no music teacher) and she ran the house better than any housekeeper. She was also tutoring dc, so obviously saved a load of money (she was using online and YouTube resources) - as a result her state school children turned out better educated than my private school dc. She was amazing and is amazing, but I am sure there are lazy ones too.

Historically, housewives looked after the house. As in cooking/ cleaning/ washing. Not childcare as before modern machines those tasks took all day.

From potty trained and walking (which was about 18 months) children were sent out to play with neighbours/ siblings and would be brought back for dinner. Babies (under 18 months) screamed in a playpen all day while mums had to do the chores.

This was common even in my grandparents day so living memory. So historically, children spending all day with other children (like a modern nursery) was typical.

In terms of if SAHP are lazy, if pre school aged/ SEN definately not, if secondary school aged probably but lots of people would if they could.

Ok ..
But you don't always know the persons situation.
I had 3 under 3 ,so I could get back to work asap .
Two got diagnosed with disabilities,and one was unbelievably violent.
I had to keep the others safe from him , despite him being expelled from one mainstream school and two special schools.
No help from family ,no help from husband as he's working away .
So I was on my own with 4 kids ,two out of school ,two in school ,one causing injuries to the others ..but still I was judged for not working.
They are adults now ..and I still can't leave him alone with the other one ,and he needs someone with him all the time ..neither of them have ever left the house alone ..ever ...
Just saying ..I'm a SAHM ..but no one would know that is my situation

Does anyone really care that much how a household is organised outside their own?

The perfect response!

I mean it’s almost like they’re a cross section of people

Are working mums lazy

Yes
No
Sometimes

are tall mums lazy

Yes
No
Sometimes

I was full time working parent when my kids was small. Do I think SAHP are lazy? I dont have a strong opinion either way as its none of my business how each family unit operate.

I do know that when I was younger a couple of SAHP worked harder than me, 1 has a severely disabled child who needed round the clock attention as well as looking after her older child. Another took on caring responsibilities for her elderly and extremely poorly parents.
Others had an easier time, fair play to them, but I dont think they were lazy.

I used to vastly overestimate what I could get done child free while DD was at a play date for an hour or similar which somehow made the day feel more hectic than not having child free time. I think this is a thing pambeeslyhalpert, especially when you take into account the 'what do I do first?' panic that consumes the initial ten minutes of child free productivity..

So you’re policing people’s thoughts 🤣 People can hold any opinion they want. Voicing the opinion is the issue.

Whaaaa??? As has been said @Fluffyscrubberdo , the title doesn't match your post. And no, SAHM's are not lazy The judgement comes from jealousy, because, yes being a SAHM is a better life for many women than having to go out to work as well..... Especially when the children are at school. It's an easier life than having to work as well, and I don't think anyone can deny that, but they are not 'lazy.'

.

I’ve been a SAHP for years. I’ve been judged a few times for not working but quite frankly I don’t care. It was a decision made between myself and my dh based on what works for our family, so other people’s opinions are irrelevant. I have full access to money, time to myself, and a career I can return to when I choose. Some days I am lazy, but most days I am not, and I always have plenty that needs doing. However, after 9 years at home I will be returning to work shortly, not because I have to, but because I want to. I have loved being at home with the dc and I am so grateful that my dh worked hard to ensure I could be at home with them, and likewise, he’s grateful that I was happy to be at home with the dc and keeping on top of everything he doesn’t have time for. Change is coming for our family, but I don’t regret a single day of being a SAHP.

I don’t think they’re lazy but I do roll my eyes when people post on here about being a sahm and wishing their husband did more or the fact they’re exhausted. I work 4.5 days a week in a full on demanding senior role, solo parent 75% of the time and run the house. Plus our child only goes to nursery 3 days a week with my parents having her one day. I just get on with it!

Which of your 2 very different AIBU questions does the vote relate to @Fluffyscrubberdo as it's not clear.

Anyway, imho SAHM to small baby/toddler/preschooler very much not. Primary/secondary kids who are out at school all day? Little bit yeah.

I disagree.

She is actually saying "I judge working parents and they wouldn't like to hear what I think of them, but I won't voice the detail of my judgment unless they openly judge me."

It is clear from her post that the negative judgment is already there, whether she chooses to express it or not.

Not necessarily. In the early years before school, having babies and toddlers to care for all day long is exhausting and often more exhausting than most women's full time jobs. Plus there is never any proper break from it. You have it all day long and you don't leave it behind at 5pm and come home to something completely different so you can decompress.

As a FT working mother you don't do both. You do your paid job instead of the daily routine childcare for your children. Someone else does that for you. The bits you do do both of are all the other things, like the grocery shopping, the cooking, the life admin, the laundry, the cleaning. Assuming you don't pay someone else to do any of that for you as well.

So sorry to hear this. I think you have hit the nail on the head though. Happy parents are probably the ideal and it matters less what makes them happy. If your set up allows you to be happy, I think your children will be.

AI posting at its worst, a goady title followed by a post making the opposite point and no further engagement. Bring back real human voices.

I’ve been both. I don’t think SAHM are lazy. But, for me, being a SAHM was a million times easier than being a working mum. Although we used no childcare when working. I worked 12 hour shifts nights and weekends while dh was at home. He worked “normal” hours. So working meant dh and I doing everything I did as a SAHP as well as both working full time. And no sleep due to nights and non sleeping babies, and zero time together for me and dh.

For a short time I worked full time while dh was a SAHP. That was great in terms of workload. But was due to his redundancy so we had no money and a lot of anxiety!

To be honest I really don’t give that much thought to other people’s lives. If being a SAHM works for someone’s family then great. It’s not up to me to judge other people’s life choices.

There is research the other way as well. You can try and make yourself out to be superior all you all you want . I can afford to be a sahm and I wouldn’t do it in a million years .

God, I dreamt of being able to be lazy when my kids were little. Once they went to school, I was a bit lazy in the day. Felt I was owed it after being on call 24/7 for years. 😊

You do keep your skills current though and remain much more employable if you keep working in some capacity.

I barely made any money after childcare in the early days working part time but it set me up for a promotion and full time when the kids were older.

Luckily I did as DH was made redundant during covid, there was not anything around so, took a career break to be a SAHD, then went back part time. By then I was out earning him anyway. I love that we have both been able to be the primary carer at different stages.

We would have been screwed financially if I hadn’t stayed employed. I don’t like the idea of being financially dependent on one person (realise for single parents that’s the only option).

But I guess there a lot of people out there that think divorce, job loss etc. will never happen to them.

I don’t think SAHM’s are lazy if they’re at home looking after one or more preschoolers and running a house. I don’t agree with the term SAHM if your kids are at school. That’s just unemployed.
I work school hours and term time only so am with dc whenever they’re not in school, same as a ‘SAHM’ parent to school age kids. But I’m not a SAHM I’m a parent who works but who also looks after the kids when they’re are home (along with my dh when he comes back from work). Household chores have always been 50:50 with my dh.